She nearly choked as a harsh laugh burned her throat and she swallowed it back. If anyone was the freak, it was her. She viewed the obvious love between these husbands and wives with skepticism because deep down it hurt her to know that these women had something she would give anything for.
And, well, she had to be honest with herself because it was the only thing left to her when everything else in her life was a lie. The truth of the matter was that she was bitterly envious of Ramie, Ari and Gracie. Her envy sliced deeper than any shame or any wound ever bestowed upon her by her captors ever had. The cut wasn’t smooth or shallow. It was ripped open, scarring her and bleeding all the way to her soul.
Was it a sin to covet what most other young girls who grew into women wished for? All she’d ever fantasized about was the outside world being nothing like the relationships of the people within the cult. She dreamed of a normal life with a man, a husband who loved her, who would give her children and who didn’t care about her powers nor was threatened by them. But she’d never known if the rest of the world was any different. Now that she knew the truth, it only made her yearning that much more pronounced. What if it was too late for her? She was too marked, the scars too deep and pronounced by her time with the cult to ever have anyone look at her with anything but pity or disgust. Or downright disbelief.
After what seemed an eternity, the women and even Isaac along with some of his men finally stopped glancing over at her in concern, and they began to make plans and discuss necessary precautions.
Jenna buried her face in her knees, rocking back and forth, making herself the smallest ball she could manage and as unnoticeable as she could so no attention was drawn to her. She simply couldn’t bear the pity or even anger in their eyes, their expressions. She knew that they’d been dragged into a problem that wasn’t theirs to solve, much less become involved in.
She needed to get away as fast as possible. She needed to run so that these people who represented everything good in the world weren’t tainted by her and never had to suffer because they interfered on her behalf.
As much as she wanted to believe that Isaac cared for her and as much as she wanted to be to him what the other women were to their husbands, she knew it wasn’t a realistic dream. She’d get him killed. Maybe even the husbands of the other women and then, God, how could she face any of them? How could she face herself or ever look in the mirror again knowing she was the reason for so much pain and death? She had to let go of her ridiculous dreams and embrace what was real. And what was real was the fact that she and anyone close to her would never be safe. No man could be expected to live his life having to look over his shoulder constantly and dodge death at every turn. And it would kill her to see Isaac walk away after having experienced, even for a little while, what life would be like with a man like him. It hurt her deeply to leave him now, but it would completely break her if he left after he’d been hers for even a short period of time.
It had to be this way. Not just for her own self-preservation but also for Isaac’s safety and the safety of everyone in this room. She closed her eyes and took a moment to harden her resolve, knowing in her heart that this was her only option. She had no other choice.
The second she lifted her head just enough to peek at the others from underneath her eyelashes she froze. She was a complete idiot, because if Gracie truly did have the ability to read minds, Jenna’s plan was likely already in shreds.
The more her gaze followed the women in the group, the more bitter envy swelled deep in her gut. She didn’t hate them or bear them ill will, but she was so jealous of what they had and all that she didn’t.
Jenna dropped her head back to her knees in case anyone caught her staring, and especially if Gracie had a mental pathway into her mind. She huddled as far from the others as possible, trying to make herself invisible, all the while slowly scanning the room with eyes that were hidden from the people standing several feet away. She took in every detail, trying desperately to find some way of escaping. A hysterical laugh nearly spilled from her lips before she slammed them shut and sucked in deep, steadying breaths through her nose, willing herself to be calm.
How exactly did she think she’d ever manage to escape these men? Anger at herself surged hotly through her body. She’d already escaped the impossible and if she’d done it once, then she could do it again. She just had to believe in herself. But first she had to find a way out and secondly, she had to make her move when everyone’s attention was drawn away from her and focused on charting their course of action.
She softly blew out her breath over her knees in a nearly silent gesture of frustration. Who was she kidding? Only a few seconds ago she’d been all about being honest with herself and here she was contemplating that her odds of slipping away unnoticed were actually good. But she couldn’t decide which was worse. Being dishonest with herself or being a pessimist. Neither was going to help her out in her current situation.
Refusing to give in to defeat, no matter how inevitable it seemed, she resolved to stop sulking, wallowing in self-pity and acting like a pathetic, useless twit. There was always a way. She just had to find it.
Being extremely careful not to be obvious, she resumed the search she’d so quickly abandoned only moments after beginning. She’d learned infinite patience while imprisoned in the cult, knowing that if she ever grew impatient and tried to escape before she had a flawless plan in place, she’d never get another chance. Luck certainly never hurt, though, and she’d take all the luck available to her.
Remaining completely silent, not even the puffy exchange of air from her lungs able to be heard, she lifted her head so gradually it would be undetectable and peeked from beneath her arms to survey the room, looking for a way out that wasn’t barred by one or more of the DSS men. Ugh, the size that these men were, it would only take one to create an insurmountable obstacle to her.
Her breath caught when her gaze finally lighted on what looked to be an opening to a cellar in the floor. It was small, scarcely big enough for the large, muscled men to ever fit through. It would certainly be a tight squeeze for any one of them. But her slim figure could easily slip through the opening. The cellar door didn’t look as if it had been used in years. Since she knew this to be one of the DSS strongholds and the most secure of their safe houses, the cellar door was likely an escape route in case the house came under siege.
It wasn’t far from where she sat against the wall and if she could slowly, but most of all quietly, move the few feet between her and the cellar opening, she could quickly slip downward before she would even be detected.