She shuddered with distaste when she said “them,” and chill bumps erupted over her skin. He drew her in closer and rubbed his palms up and down in an effort to warm her.
“Mostly they’re like random, brief snatches of time, gone before I can grab on to them and hold on long enough to make sense of them. I know I was at least a few years old when I went to live with them and I’ve been with them for almost twenty years, but they’re all a blur, you know? In the beginning I would mark the passing of each day until I realized that no one was coming for me and that time meant nothing. I stopped counting because it didn’t seem to matter anymore. I didn’t matter,” she said painfully.
Isaac cupped her chin, forcing her gaze upward, wanting her to see the sincerity in his expression and words.
“You matter, Jenna. Don’t ever think differently. You matter.”
She swallowed back a sob and then buried her face in his neck, grasping his shoulders with both hands. Then she finally pulled back and looked pleadingly up at him.
“I want to kiss you, Isaac, but I don’t know how. I want it to be all the things you said it could be. I want to pretend just for a moment. Will you help me?”
He wiped the twin trails of tears from her cheeks with his thumb. “It would be my pleasure, angel.”
ELEVEN
JENNA’S teeth were chattering as she questioned for the sixth time coming into Isaac’s bedroom. She knew it was wrong. Forbidden. That she’d be branded a harlot and worse. But she wanted this even if she wasn’t sure what this was.
All her life she’d viewed kissing as nothing. No example of caring or regard because no one ever kissed anyone. The men treated the women in the group coldly, callously. Like they were possessions, there for the men’s pleasure and nothing more. It had never occurred to her that a man would kiss a woman for reasons of affection, caring or even love.
Why had Isaac kissed her? He’d kissed her twice. Not on the lips, but she could still feel the warm imprint of his lips in the places he had kissed, and she never wanted to lose that sensation.
Did she have the courage to be so forthright and bold? So brazen as to kiss him? He didn’t seem to mind the idea at all, but then he’d been nice to her and maybe that’s all it was.
Shyly she moved her lips closer to his until she could feel his soft, even breaths against her chin. She wanted to kiss his lips but lacked the courage to be that bold, so she moved just to the side and feathered a soft brush of her lips right at the corner of his mouth.
He let out a soft groan and his arms tightened around her, holding her still and firmly captured against his body. Then he lowered his mouth and took her lips just as she’d wanted to do to him. He was so gentle, it brought tears to her eyes.
He took his time, the warm, gentle pressure of his lips against hers eliciting sensations in the rest of her body that she didn’t understand. Then he softly laved his tongue over the seam of her mouth, making her gasp in response. His tongue probed inward, licking the tip of hers before withdrawing, and he kissed his way out of her mouth again, finishing by sealing her mouth completely with his, leaving her entire body flushed and aching with awareness.
As he drew away, his gaze was focused on her, piercing, studying her response.
“What kind of kiss was that?” she whispered, dazed and shaken by the experience.
“One that says I care a great deal about you and one that says you’re a very special woman.”
“You do? I am?” she asked in bewilderment.
Isaac sighed. “I don’t know who made you feel like you were unworthy, like you were nothing, because you don’t trust me enough to share that with me yet, but Jenna, it’s bullshit. It’s complete bullshit. You’re a fucking miracle, honey, and I don’t mean because of your gift.”
“I do trust you, Isaac,” she said, staring earnestly into his eyes. “I’m sorry if I made you feel as if I don’t. I’m just worried. I don’t want you or any of your men to be hurt or killed because of me. I couldn’t live with myself if anything happened to you—any of you.”
Isaac cupped her cheek tenderly, luring her further into his embrace.
“Jenna, I want you to listen to me. Really listen to me, okay? Nothing is going to happen to me or any of my men. Our job is to protect you. It is not your job to protect us. Do you understand?”
“You have no idea how ruthless they are,” she said tearfully. “Or what their plans are.”
“No, I don’t,” he said calmly. “Because you won’t confide in me. If you want to protect me and the others, the best thing you can do is to trust me and tell me everything. We can’t prepare for the worst if we don’t know what the worst is.”
She ducked her head, guilt overwhelming her. He was right. What was her shame compared to their lives? She was being selfish, choosing her pride over their safety.
“I’m so sorry,” she choked out. “I know you’re right. You need to know everything. You’ve been nothing but kind when I’ve been nothing but ashamed, and my pride could get all of you killed.”
Isaac squeezed her in a gesture of comfort. “No one blames you, baby. But I won’t lie. It’s driving me crazy not knowing what those bastards have done to you. I want to kill every last one of them so you’ll feel safe, so you can stop running and constantly looking over your shoulder. And honey, you can trust me to take care of you. If you let me in I’ll make sure nothing ever hurts or frightens you again.”
“I do trust you,” she said softly, reaching up to palm his stubbly jaw.
Never before had she met a man like Isaac. So formidable, a warrior, and yet so gentle and patient with her that she wanted to weep.
“Then will you tell me everything?” he asked, stroking a hand through her hair. “And I mean everything. I want to know everything about you, Jenna. What makes you happy, what makes you sad, what makes you smile, and especially what hurts you and frightens you.”
She didn’t realize she was shaking or that her alarm was evident until Isaac sat up and pulled her across his lap, cradling her in his arms. He rubbed his hand up and down her back and pressed his lips to the top of her head.
“You’re trembling, honey, and panic is all over your face. You’re safe with me. Nothing can touch you while you’re in my arms. I need you to relax and take some deep breaths, try to calm down. We don’t have to talk about this right now. I’ll wait as long as necessary until you’re ready to tell me, okay? I will never pressure you.”
She was silent for a long moment, grappling with painful and humiliating memories. Isaac didn’t break the silence. He continued to hold her, rocking her in a soothing motion, hand rubbing lightly up and down her spine as he waited patiently, almost as if he sensed the intense battle waging inside her.
“I belong to a cult,” she said boldly, her gaze immediately shooting to Isaac for any sign of judgment or condemnation. But he didn’t react, nor did he stop the gentle caresses up and down her back.