“I married Andrew.”
Arching my eyebrow, I say, “Yes, you did, but that’s not what I asked.”
Honey shrugs, but I know she’s thinking of someone in particular that ain’t Andrew.
“I admit I’m curious about Hayes,” I say, allowing her to weasel out of admitting who she likes. “By curious, I mean freakishly attracted to him. I want to keep my job, so I plan to behave. Not all risks are worth it.”
A few minutes pass while I watch the kids play and Honey stares at her uneaten fries.
“I’m not a bad mother,” Honey says, but her words sound like a question.
“No, you’re not.”
“It’s Andrew’s rules about disciplining them.”
“I understand.”
“But you don’t like him.”
“Have I ever pretended otherwise?”
Honey narrows her eyes. I catch a hint of her temper hiding beneath her broken-down-woman mojo. “No. You’d still be at the house if you could pretend.”
“I like the hotel better.”
“If you can see the good in Hayes then you should know Andrew’s not a monster either.”
Focusing on my sister, I stare into her eyes and again see our mother looking back at me.
“You want me to lie and say he’s a good husband and father. Not going to happen. I think he’s a thin-skinned wuss who takes his fucking issues out on you. You know that’s what I think. So you either expect me to lie, or you're looking for a way out with him and think I’ll give it to you. Which is it?”
Honey’s been so beaten down these last years that she doesn’t even look hurt by my words. She only stares at me and considers what I said.
“I can’t leave him.”
“Why not?”
“I don’t have the money to take care of four kids.”
“He’ll pay child support.”
“I can’t raise them on my own.”
“How much does he do now? I mean really? You say he is in charge of their discipline, but they’re wild when he’s home too.”
“They’re not bad kids.”
I’m irritated by her weakness. Honey’s path is as doomed as our mother’s. “No, they’re wild,” I say. “They need you to be the grownup, not their maid and cook.”
“It’s not easy to walk away and be alone.”
“I raised the twins by myself. Toby didn’t want them. His family did help financially, but I never got greedy. They babysat occasionally, but I was the one in the trenches every day with two kids who ganged up on me. The twins aren’t saints, and I’m not super mom. They’re sneaky and plot against me when they want something. It’s my job to be smarter than them. Outwitting children isn’t difficult, but it takes commitment and energy. If you’re spending all your time trying not to piss off Andrew, you don’t have much energy left for the kids. That’s how Andrew likes it.”
“He wants me to do more, not less.”
Sighing, I wonder if she’s really so blind or simply wants me to tell her what she already knows. “That’s what he says, but he knows if you were stronger and more confident you’d kick his ass to the curb. You’re still young enough to start over. He’ll keep you down until you feel life’s passed you by. That’s what men like Andrew do. He’s not the kind of guy who beats you down in an obvious way. He does it slowly, every day until you begin doing it for him. You tell yourself you can’t do better. You say you can’t be on your own. You believe his lies because you’ve heard them for too long.”
Honey wraps her arms around her body, and I know I should come at her with more finesse. She’s been bossed around for a long time, and I’m bossing her around now. I can’t edit myself. Not when an asshole like Andrew is involved. I know how losers like him destroy people in my family. We’re asshole magnets. The only way to survive is to call an asshole an asshole and face life alone rather than as someone’s bitch.
“You think about it,” I say when she remains quiet. “If you need help, I’m here. If you need money, I have some saved up. If you make any cash from babysitting, I’d suggest you hide it from Andrew and keep it for the day when you’re sick of his shit. A guy like him will empty out your bank accounts as soon as he knows you might walk. He’ll want you desperate. That’s what I think anyway. Take it as you will.”
Honey nods and I leave her to think. At the play area, I find the twins whispering. They see me and smile. If I do nothing else for them in life, I’ll raise them prepared to face life alone rather than settling for losers. With them having each other, maybe they’ll be better suited for that choice than Honey and her kids.
SIX - HAYES
I storm into the office. Too many fucking stupid people in the world and they’re all conspiring to drive me to an early grave. I have enemies surrounding me, and my allies are fucking morons.