Because she had no choice where he was concerned, she wrapped her arms around his neck and lost herself to his kiss. Many minutes later, he broke the kiss and turned his attention to her neck, setting off a shiver that traveled all the way through her. “Take me back to your room, Ella. I need you. I need to show you how much I love you.”
Though she was still confused and not at all convinced that taking him back was in her best interest, she joined her hand with his and walked with him to where they’d left their shoes. Without another word passing between them, they picked up their shoes and carried them as they walked barefoot through the winding path that led to her room.
She proceeded up the stairs ahead of him, acutely aware of his eyes on her as she went. Outside her room, she used the keycard she’d tucked into her dress to open the door.
“Tell me what you’re thinking,” he said as the door clicked shut behind them. “What you’re feeling.”
“I feel powerless.”
“Ella, honey, you have all the power here.”
“No, I don’t. You have the power to ruin me.”
“I don’t want to ruin you. I just want to love you. That’s all I want.”
“I’m scared of how much I love you. It hurts me when you can’t be what I need.”
His eyes filled and he closed them, his jaw tightening as he wrestled with his emotions. When he opened his eyes, he showed her his heart. “I’m going to be everything you need, and then some. I’ll never let you down again, Ella. I promise you with everything that I am, you can trust me.”
God, she wanted so badly to believe him. She’d never wanted anything more than she wanted to take his assurances to the bank and invest them in her future. As he kissed her neck and unzipped her dress, Ella closed her eyes and tried to give in to the desire he always stirred in her.
But in the back of her mind was the scene from Thursday night, when he’d made love to her and then walked away from her because he’d let his demons come between them. What would she do if that happened again?
She told herself to let go of the past, to start fresh from this minute forward and hope for the best. Except . . . She couldn’t do that. She couldn’t pretend like the other night hadn’t happened, as much as she wanted to.
“Stop, Gavin. Stop.”
“What’s wrong?”
“I can’t do this. I can’t just pick up where we left off like nothing happened. You hurt me. Deeply.”
“Ella—”
She turned away from his outstretched hand. “And you embarrassed me in front of my family and your parents and friends. Everyone knew you were supposed to be with me. What am I even doing here without you? Dylan is a wonderful guy, but he’s not my friend. He’s yours.”
“I wish there was something I could say that would convince you how sincerely sorry I am.”
“I believe you. I know you’re sorry. I know you wish it didn’t happen. But it did happen, and I can’t act like it didn’t.”
“So I’ve ruined everything? Is that what you’re saying?”
“I don’t know. I need some time to process it. I’m not sure how I feel about it, and until I figure that out, I can’t do this.”
“What can’t you do?”
“This! I can’t have sex with you and be with you this way. I’m confused and conflicted.”
He sat on the bed, leaning on his knees, his head down and his eyes hidden from her. “Conflicted how?”
“My better judgment is telling me to get out while I still can, that this relationship isn’t healthy for me. But my heart . . . My heart cries out for you, it beats for you, it loves you and only you.” She swiped furiously at the tears that cascaded down her face.
After running his fingers through his hair repeatedly, he finally looked up at her. “I’m rooting for your heart to prevail.”
Though the tears continued to come, she laughed.
Gavin stood and came over to her. “What do you want to do?”
“I—I was going to go home tomorrow.”
Placing his hands on her shoulders, he said, “Please don’t. Stay here with me this week. Let’s have this time together to see if we can put this back together.”
Ella thought about it for a minute before she nodded. “Okay.”
“I’ll see about getting my own room.”