It's Not Like It's a Secret

“No—yes. Well, kind of.”


We focus our attention back on the finish line and cheer as Melinda Tsai crosses, then Sruthi Agrawala. When I turn around to see what Caleb, Thom, and Ginny are doing, they’re gone. Janet sees me looking and muses, “I’ve never seen any of them at a meet before. . . . And the only person they cheered for was you.” She narrows her eyes at me. “I think he likes you.”

“No.”

“Why else would he come? Is he a cross-country fan?” I can’t answer that one.

“Aww, that’s so cute! He totally came to see you!” I scowl at her. I have a feeling she’s right but I shake my head no. “Totally! Hey, Melinda! Sruthi! You guys! Come here!” Four red-faced girls trot over and Janet gives them her opinion and her evidence.

Melinda immediately starts singing, “Sana has a boy-friend! Sana has a boy-friend!”

“Seriously, Melinda. What are we, second-graders?” Janet says.

“Thank you, Janet,” I say. “God, Melinda. Grow up.” Then I turn to Janet so we can share an amirite? moment, but Janet has started reciting that old Justin Bieber song, “Boyfriend.”

If I was your boyfriend I’d never let you go

I can take you places you ain’t never been befo’. . . .

Man, did I misjudge her. “Omigod.” I stalk off with as much dignity as I can muster, but Janet comes with me, spouting more Justin. In fact, she seems determined to prove to the world that she’s memorized the entire song, and by the time we reach the team tent, where the varsity runners are lounging, she’s reached the part about how I should just spend a week with Justin and he’d be calling me his girlfriend.

The varsity runners look up. “What up, Biebs?” says Jag.

“Sana has a boyfriend,” Melinda announces to the tent, looking extremely pleased with herself.

Jamie looks at me.

“NO! No boyfriend!” I splutter.

But it’s lost in a chorus of “Caleb Miller came to watch her run! He was totally cheering for her! He left right after she finished!”

“Do you like him?” Arjun bats his eyes at me.

“No, not at all! Never!”

Jamie is watching me closely and my cheeks start to tingle. Melinda yelps, “Oh, Sana, you’re blushing! Look at you! You do like him!”

I’m surrounded by the team ooh-ing and ahh-ing at me and all I can do is cover my face and say, “No, no, no!”

“Why are you blushing then?” asks Janet pointedly.

“Yeah, why are you blushing?”

“I don’t know! Jeez, leave me alone!”

“Why are you blushing?”

“Why are you blushing?”

“Why are you blushing?”

I’m about to give up when I see Jamie, still watching me. I can’t let her think I’m interested in Caleb. “I like someone else,” I blurt, looking right at Jamie. And she turns her head away, but not before her cheeks flush and a smile spreads across her face, not a big, laughing, public smile, but a small, shy, private one just for me.

And now Arjun is preening and telling me he’s sorry to have to break my heart but he really only likes me as a friend, and everyone else is clamoring to know who I really like, and I don’t even care because Jamie Ramirez smiled and blushed when I (kind of) said I liked her.

When I get home, Dad’s car is in the driveway. He’s home for a quick bite and a shower before he goes back to work. Apparently there’s some big presentation with a venture capital firm tomorrow, and the robots still have a glitch or two that need cleaning up.

“They could give us fifty million dollars,” Dad says between slurps of his udon noodles.

“Usō!” says Mom incredulously. I can hardly believe him, either.

Mom’s busy making onigiri, one of my favorite snacks, for Dad to take back with him tonight. She presses some salmon into a handful of salted rice and starts pressing the rice into a ball around the salmon. As it comes together, she turns it once, then presses again. Turn, press. Turn, press.

“Honma,” replies Dad, nodding, so I know he’s not kidding. Fifty million dollars hanging on one meeting. I guess that would make it worth going back to work after dinner.

“What time do you think you’ll come home?” I ask.

“Very late—probably past midnight.”

“See how hard Dad works?” Mom says, looking at me as if somehow I’ve been slacking off my whole life, and my laziness has caused the robots to glitch. “You should work just as hard.”

“I do work hard,” I grumble as I head back to my room to do my homework. I hate it when she does this—it’s like she’s speaking in code. Does she think she’s being encouraging? Is she making excuses for Dad not ever being home? Or does she really just think I’m lazy? As I pass through the living room, Dad’s cell pings from the pocket of his jacket, which is slung over a chair by the front door. “Hey, Dad,” I say, reaching into his jacket for the phone. I glance at it as I walk back to the kitchen. Then I stop.

The phone number from my lacquer box is flashing at the top of the screen.

Quickly, I type in Dad’s passcode.

Jiro-chan! 金曜日 7時ね。



Jiro is my dad’s name. “Chan” is something you add onto someone’s name when you’re close to them. No one calls Dad “Jiro-chan” except Mom, and my grandmother, who lives in Japan and doesn’t own a cell phone. I’m not very literate in Japanese, but I know what “7:00 on Friday” looks like. And I don’t need to be able to read to know what the emojis mean.

“Oi, Sana. Nan’ya?”

“Oh, um. Nothing, never mind.” I put the phone back in Dad’s jacket and go to my room. Please don’t let this be what it looks like. I could ignore it four years ago, but now I don’t know if I can.

I try to put it out of my head and focus on trig.

Solve sin(x) + 2 = 3 for 0° < x < 360°

Who is sending those texts?

Solve 2cos^2(x)—sqrt[3]cos(x) = 0 on 0° < x < 360°

Is this why we moved out here?

Solve tan2(x) + 3 = 0 for 0° < x < 360°

What am I supposed to do?

My head is spinning. I can’t do any of these. I give up.





15


THERE IS A SEMI-AWKWARD MOMENT WITH Caleb in trig this morning. I thank him for coming to the meet, and he says, “Oh, my cousin is on the cross-country team at Cupertino High, so that’s why I was there.”

And I’m blushing again, furious at myself for being so foolish (though also a little relieved that he wasn’t there for me). “Oh! I wondered. I mean I thought you hated school sports and school spirit and stuff.”

“I do.”

Caleb doesn’t say anything else, but Elaine, Hanh, and Reggie attack me at lunch and Hanh says, “You were totally blushing when you were talking to Caleb during trig! Janet says he came to your meet yesterday to cheer for you—is that true? Do you like him?”

“God! No! Why do people keep asking me? It’s so annoying!”

“Okay, okay! Jeez-us Christ! Don’t get so offended!” Hanh raises her hands up protectively.

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