Jessie nodded, her eyes locking onto his. It took a lot of willpower, but Kai squelched the rising desire he had to feel those lips again, to touch her face again. A wistful noise escaped her, and he wondered if Jessie was having just as difficult a time. If it weren’t for how much the thought twisted his stomach with disgust, he would ignore the fact that they shared a last name, lay the mattress back onto the floor, and take her one more time.
With a visible effort, he stood and extended a hand to her. Jessie accepted it and let him pull her up to standing. They ended up being closer than he’d intended, their bodies brushing together. Kai didn’t pull away though, and continued to stand with his chest against hers, his flatness a sharp contrast to her fullness. As he clutched her hand tight, he suspected that for the first time all day, they were the same temperature. He knew he felt hot all over as he stared down at her. Wondering how to shut off the desire he still felt for her, even now, when it was mixed with guilt, revulsion, and self-loathing, his lips parted in anticipation. They couldn’t do this; it was wrong on so many levels, but as his body started reacting to her nearness, he knew that at least on one level, he could do this.
He lowered his forehead to hers, and she gasped, her mouth opening as well. His other hand wrapped around her hip, pulling her closer to him. Kai couldn’t believe he was seriously contemplating this, after everything he’d learned, after all the times his stomach had churned while thinking about it. Even though he knew it was disgusting, his body was willing to overlook that fact because goddamn…he wanted her.
Jessie raised her chin, bringing their lips dangerously close, and he thought she might be willing to overlook it too. His hand on her hip lowered to cup her backside; their free hands, still joined, tightened. Kai sucked in a quick breath, not sure what to do, not sure which part of his body to listen to. Jessie ran her hand up his chest to his neck, and made a noise that was both lustful and conflicted.
Kai was torn. She was so beautiful, so wonderful, and felt so incredible in his arms. Without realizing what he was doing it, he shifted his lips, just a fraction, until they minutely brushed hers. Closing his eyes, he exhaled a deep breath. The brief contact flooded him with remnants of last night—her taste, her passion. He wanted to taste her again; he wanted to push her away. While his body and mind shifted him in opposite directions, his head began to pound. This was so wrong, but it felt so right.
At the brief kiss, Jessie’s breaths quickened, and she shifted in his arms. Her hips firmly pressed against his, and he could feel the blood rushing down as his body hardened. If that piece of him took over, it would almost make things easier…until after. Then they would be faced with the awful fact that they had known the truth, and done it anyway. At least with the first time they could claim ignorance. If they allowed it to happen a second time…well, they wouldn’t have any excuse left to defend themselves.
Jessie’s hips bumped against him in a restless pattern as she squirmed in his arms, just as torn as he was. Kai wondered if she was aware of how much the swiveling was turning him on; she would be aware in a moment, if she didn’t stop. Just as her lips were coming back to his for more, Kai found a well of resolve inside him, and released her hand so he could grab onto her hips and still them. “Stop, Jessie,” he whispered, immensely proud of himself for being able to utter those words.
They worked like a blast of cold water on Jessie. She immediately pulled away from him, breaking their intimate contact. “Oh, God,” she muttered, running her fingers through her curls. “I can’t, we can’t…this is so wrong, Kai.”
Her breaths grew sporadic; she looked on the verge of losing it. Kai stepped forward and put a hand on her arm. “I know. It’s okay, I know.”
Giving him an apologetic smile, she withdrew from his touch. With a similar smile of his own, Kai gave her space. “We’re going to have to be more careful.” He let out a weary exhale. Much more careful. “I’m sorry, Jessie, you just, you don’t feel like family. The idea grosses me out, but not… I still want…I still want you.”
Looking at the floor, Kai felt horrible and guilty for admitting that. Jessie sighed as she moved even farther away from him. “I know…I want you too.” Glad that at least they were in the same awful boat, Kai peeked up at her. She shrugged when they made eye contact. “But even if we don’t feel like it, we are family, and this can’t happen.”
He nodded. “I know.”
“So what do we do?” she asked with a shake of her head.
Kai clenched his fingers into fists as he resisted the urge to walk over and tuck a stray lock of hair behind her ear. “We try not to get too close to each other. At least, until this feeling…passes.” It had to pass. Jessie nodded, and the chocolate depths of her eyes glassed over. Kai hated seeing her turmoil; it was so similar to his own. All he wanted was to get closer to her. Wanting to ease her pain, and his own, he cracked a small smile. “But, can I get your help with the furniture first?”