Her body felt strangely heavy. Perhaps it was the weight of disappointment. She thought it was more likely that it was inevitability, because she knew, deep down, that he was right. She’d always thought so.
He ran his hand through his hair. “I told you from the beginning that I wasn’t staying in Jewell Cove. That I’m not sure what the future holds. Shit, Charlie. I’ve tried a serious relationship and I’m terrible at it. The idea of marriage…”
“Who said anything about marriage?” she interrupted, turning in her chair so she was facing him, and crossed her left knee over her right. “Aren’t you getting a little ahead of yourself?”
“Am I?” He stared at her. “Come on, Charlie. You’re not a fling sort of person. You’re a lifer. You want the whole enchilada. The husband and the kids and the little house in the ‘burbs. You’re a liar if you say otherwise.”
“I never asked any of that from you.”
He paced through the tiny kitchen. “I know that. That’s what I’m saying. We knew this about each other but we pretended not to notice. I told myself it would be okay. That you knew what you were getting into. That it was only a few dates and a handful of kisses and it was no big deal. Until…”
Silence fell over the kitchen.
“Until?” she finally prompted.
He let out a breath. “Until tonight. Tonight was a big deal. It wasn’t just a kiss good night. It was…”
Again he paused and she met his gaze evenly. She knew what he wasn’t saying. There’d been a connection between them that had been far more potent than either of them had expected.
“It was too much for you,” she said quietly. “You’re right, you know. I do want those things. I always have. And I told myself I didn’t and I conveniently forgot I did when we were together because I like being with you. I like kissing you and I loved making love with you. You’re absolutely right, Dave. I want the whole enchilada.”
She deserved better. “I spent my whole childhood feeling like I was in the way. I took what attention I could get. Dressed in what I was supposed to, showed up at events when it was requested, got good marks. Tried to please them, anything to get a smidgen of genuine affection. To mean as much to them as their precious jobs and precious itineraries. And you know what? It never worked. And you know what that made me? Afraid. Timid. Unable to stand up for myself. Do you know what happened when I took this job? I had already signed the contract and rental agreement before I told my parents. I didn’t even tell them until I was already here in Jewell Cove. Even when I was rebelling, I was afraid to confront them. Afraid to disappoint them.”
“Jesus, Charlie.”
“Yeah. And I was afraid to disappoint you too, so I told myself I’d just go along with whatever you wanted. Not interested in a relationship or a family? That was okay. We’d just have fun. But you are so right. I’m not built that way. I want a man who loves me, and a family of my own and children who can be whatever the hell they want when they grow up as long as they’re happy. I want them to feel love and acceptance and I want smiles and laughter. I want it all, Dave. And tonight, for about five minutes, I caught a glimpse of what it could be like if you gave us half a chance.”
“I told you…”
“I know. I didn’t listen. I heard what I wanted to and ignored the rest.”
She was slightly out of breath, amazed that she’d said all that, wondering how she’d kept it inside all these years.
Dave was staring at her in shock.
“What the hell are you so scared of?” she asked. “Or is it that you don’t have the capacity to care at all? Is that it?”
“Maybe I don’t. Maybe I’m just a selfish prick who only thinks about himself. Maybe I’ve got a huge ego and the world revolves around me. That’s what you’re saying, isn’t it? Or is it that I’m a coward? Which option is most appealing to you?” His words were hard, brittle. The heat in his eyes had cooled, dulled. “We both pretended for a while but I’d just hurt you in the end, Charlie.”
Once again silence fell over the room. There was something he wasn’t saying. Something more than his marriage. He’d been pretty forthcoming about that, so she guessed whatever it was had to be important. Hurtful.
“Shit,” he said, quieter now. “It wasn’t supposed to be this way. I thought I could handle it. Tonight was amazing. You need to understand that. But this has to stop now, before someone gets hurt. Before I hurt you.”
She blinked a couple of times. She would not babble, or cry, or be an emotional wreck. She would also be honest, because wrong or right, she’d started to believe they had a chance. “Don’t you get it? You already hurt me.”
“Don’t say that.”
“What, and lie?” She went to him, put her hand flat on his chest. “You’re a good man, you know. Somehow, somewhere, I think someone made you feel like you weren’t. And I think that’s not because you let someone down but because someone let you down. Until you figure that out, you’re never going to be happy.”