My already racing pulse sped up more. How would I tell Daniel anything? How would I tell him that I’d flirted with Tyler for weeks, how I’d dressed slutty for him last night, then danced with him like a stripper, kissed him, and let him lead me upstairs. The rest of what happened last night rolled through my body in waves that threatened to drown me.
“Hey, baby,” Daniel said when he reached the top of the stairs, looking as though he hadn’t slept much either. He walked toward me, and my mother let go of my hand, but not before giving it one more squeeze. She gave me a reassuring look, then headed back to where Daniel had just come from.
“Hey,” I said, my voice dull, watching my mother’s retreat, wondering how in the hell I was going to handle a conversation with my fiancé right now.
Daniel hugged me, and again, I stayed stiff. “You’re still mad at me?” he asked when he pulled back.
I shrugged and walked into my bedroom again, retreating to the furthest corner of the bed, against the wall, pulling as many pillows and blankets around myself as I could. Daniel followed behind me, shut the door, then leaned up against it.
“I feel shitty about our fight,” he said, and I almost laughed, thinking how ridiculous and small our argument was compared to the one I imagined we were about to have, once I told him that his suspicions about my best friend hadn’t been unwarranted.
“It doesn’t matter,” I said, spinning my engagement ring over and over again with my left thumb. It felt heavy and wrong on my finger. I didn’t deserve it. I didn’t deserve Daniel. “But it did make me think,” I continued. “A lot, actually.”
“About what?” Daniel asked, the weight of him sitting on the edge of the bed sinking the mattress down.
I huddled closer to the wall. “About us. About getting engaged.”
“Amber—,” he said, but I interrupted him.
“Wait,” I said. “Let me finish.” I didn’t want to cry more. “I care about you, Daniel, but I just don’t think I’m ready to get married. You should be with someone who is.”
“Are you being serious right now?” he asked, his brows stitched together, creating a small v in his otherwise smooth forehead.
“Yes,” I said, feeling my heart sink down inside my chest. I couldn’t tell him what had happened. It would hurt him too much. My silence would save him the devastation of knowing what I’d done, how I’d blocked him out of my mind, rationalized my behavior, and betrayed his trust. I was a broken person now—a pile of damaged goods. He needed to be with someone better than me. I was sure he would find someone else. “I’m sorry, Daniel,” I said, pulling the ring off of my finger. “But it’s over. We’re over.”
I held my hand out, palm up, offering him the ring. He dropped his gaze to it, then raised it back to me. “No,” he said. “I’m not going to let you do this, Amber. It was one stupid fight. We’ll work it out. We’ll find a way to spend more time together. I took two days off to come up here, and I want to spend them with you. We just need to talk—”
“Don’t you get it?” I said, raising my voice, even as a few tears slipped down my cheeks. I held on to the ring. “I don’t want to talk. I don’t want to try and make this work. You moved too fast. You pushed me into getting engaged when I wasn’t ready. All you were thinking about was your own time line . . . your stupid master plan to get married before you started making a bunch of money. You weren’t thinking about me and what I want. You didn’t even ask. And you know what, Daniel? I don’t want that life. I don’t want kids. I don’t want a life with you.”
He stared at me, his brown eyes clouded with confusion and hurt. “Is this about Tyler?” he asked, slowly. “Was I right? Is something happening with you two?”
“No!” I said, maybe a little too sharply, because Daniel just shook his head.
“I knew it,” he fumed. “I fucking knew it.” He stood up and glared at me. “Did you sleep with him last night? Is that why you’re doing this now? I pissed you off so you decided to fuck him. Jesus, Amber! What the hell is wrong with you?”
My throat flooded with so many tears, I couldn’t speak. I just stared at him through glassy eyes, wishing I had it in me to tell him what had happened. Wishing I could say that he was wrong. I heard my mother’s voice inside my head, He raped you, honey, and I thought about showing Daniel my bruises as proof that while I may have been guilty of leading Tyler on, he was guilty of something far worse. All the things I’d heard at orientation my freshman year at college started to run through my head: Be careful if you’re drinking at a party. Don’t go into a room with a guy alone. If someone tries to force you to do something you don’t want to do, fight back with everything you have. Gouge him in the eyes with your thumbs. Knee him in the balls. Hurt him before he can hurt you.
I’d done none of those things, because I’d been with someone I trusted. Someone I never thought might hurt me. And here I was, hurting Daniel, trying to save him from a more excruciating kind of pain.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered, and once again, I held out my hand, offering him the ring.
“Yeah,” he said. “I bet you are. I hope you’re happy with that asshole.” Daniel snatched the ring from my palm and shoved it into his front pocket. “I never should have given that to you. You’re a fucking cheater.”
The disgust in his voice sliced through me. But he was right. I had cheated on him the past few weeks, a hundred times over in my head. I’d pictured how it would feel to kiss Tyler, to let him touch me the way I knew he’d always wanted. I’d thought about what it would be like to sleep with him—visualizing our bodies together, imagining how gentle he’d be as his fingers tenderly trailed across my skin. I’d wondered if he was the one I should actually be with, the one who already knew and loved me, even after everything we’d both gone through. And now, after last night, I couldn’t be with either of them, with anyone. I couldn’t imagine feeling safe with anyone else, ever again.
“Do me a favor,” Daniel said. “Pretend we never met.”
I nodded, knowing there was nothing I could say to make up for what I’d just done. He spun around and charged out of my room, leaving the door open. I sat in the silence staring at the wall, feeling the ghost of the ring on my skin, as though it was still on my finger. I felt like I should break down, but my eyes stayed dry. I wondered if I’d finally reached the limit of my tears—if there was only so much one person could cry in one day.
My parents appeared in my doorway, and then walked through it. “What happened?” my mom asked. “Daniel just ran past us and didn’t say a word.”
“Did you tell him? Is he going after Tyler?” my dad asked, looking as though if that were true, he might just follow my fiancé. Ex-fiancé, I reminded myself, and then I shook my head.
“I didn’t tell him. I broke it off. I gave him back the ring.”