It Ends With Us

“Lily,” she says. “There’s something I need to tell you.”

I don’t like this. I was coming over here to talk to her. I’m not prepared to receive a talk.

“What is it?” I ask hesitantly.

She grips her glass of tea with both hands. “I’m seeing someone.”

My mouth drops open.

“Really?” I ask, shaking my head. “That’s . . .” I’m about to say good, but then I grow instantly worried that she’s just put herself in a similar situation she was in with my father. She can see the worry on my face, so she grabs my hands in both of hers.

“He’s good, Lily. He’s so good. I promise.”

Relief washes over me in an instant, because I can see she’s telling the truth. I can see the happiness in her eyes. “Wow,” I say, not expecting this at all. “I’m happy for you. When can I meet him?”

“Tonight, if you want,” she says. “I can invite him over to eat with us.”

I shake my head. “No,” I whisper. “Now’s not a good time.”

Her hands squeeze around mine as soon as she realizes I’m here to tell her something important. I start with the better part of the news first.

I stand up and remove my jacket. At first, she doesn’t think anything of it. She just assumes I’m making myself comfortable. But then I take one of her hands and I press it against my stomach. “You’re gonna be a grandma.”

Her eyes widen and for several seconds, she’s stunned speechless. But then tears begin to form. She jumps up and pulls me into a hug. “Lily!” she says. “Oh my God!” She pulls back, smiling. “That was so fast. Were you trying? You haven’t even been married for very long.”

I shake my head. “No. It was a shock. Believe me.”

She laughs and after another hug, we both sit down again. I try to keep up my smile, but it’s not the smile of an elated expectant mother. She sees that almost immediately. She slides a hand over her mouth. “Sweetie,” she whispers. “What’s the matter?”

Until this moment, I’ve fought to remain strong. I’ve fought to not feel too sorry for myself when I’m around other people. But sitting here with my mother, I crave weakness. I just want to be able to give up for a little while. I want her to take over and hug me and tell me it’ll all be okay. And for the next fifteen minutes while I cry in her arms, that’s exactly what happens. I just stop fighting for myself because I need someone else to do it for me.

I spare her most of the details of our relationship, but I do tell her the most important things. That he’s hurt me on more than one occasion, and I don’t know what to do. That I’m scared to have this baby alone. That I’m scared I might make the wrong decision. That I’m scared I’m being too weak and that I should have had him arrested. That I’m scared I’m being too sensitive and I don’t know if I’m overreacting. Basically, I tell her everything I haven’t even been brave enough to fully admit to myself.

She retrieves some napkins out of the kitchen and comes back to the table. After our eyes are finally dry, she begins to crumple the napkin up between her hands, rolling it over in circles as she stares down at it.

“Do you want to take him back?” she asks.

I don’t say yes. But I also don’t say no.

This is the first moment since this has happened that I’m being completely honest. I’m honest to her and to myself. Maybe because she’s the only one I know who has been through this. She’s the only one I know who would understand the massive amounts of confusion I’ve been experiencing.

I shake my head, but I also shrug. “Most of me feels like I’ll never be able to trust him again. But a huge part of me grieves what I had with him. We were so good together, Mom. The times I spent with him were some of the best moments of my life. And occasionally I feel like maybe I don’t want to give that up.”

I wipe the napkin beneath my eye, soaking up more tears. “Sometimes . . . when I’m really missing him . . . I tell myself that maybe it wasn’t that bad. Maybe I could put up with him when he’s at his worst just so I can have him when he’s at his best.”

She puts her hand on top of mine and rubs her thumb back and forth. “I know exactly what you mean, Lily. But the last thing you want to do is lose sight of your limit. Please don’t allow that to happen.”

I have no idea what she means by that. She sees the confusion in my expression, so she squeezes my arm and explains in more detail.