“I’ve been trying to fit it in since we got on your bike at the club.”
“Grace.”
“I don’t want to put you on the spot, but I want to know.” She squeezed my arm.
“I ever get involved in your drama?”
“No.”
“Okay, so?”
“You’ve never had an old lady before, and you jumping in and saving the day at the party was all sorts of amazing and wonderful, but I’m just concerned about how it’s been for you because—”
“Because?”
“Because I think you really like her—like, really, really like her. And I really, really like Jill. I’d like my baby’s mommy to have a happy, fulfilling, and satisfying pregnancy. And I love you. So, I have a vested interest in the two of you working out.”
“Jesus.”
“You know better than to play it cool with me. Let’s hear it.”
We stopped in an aisle lined with Baby Einstein CDs. What the hell was that?
“Earth to Boner.”
I met her gaze. “I like her.”
“I know that.”
“But this relationship thing is just until the baby’s born.”
“What?”
“It’ll keep Catch away from her now that the line’s been drawn.”
“Right.”
I slapped at a ladybug mobile, and it spun awkwardly.
“You’re full of crap,” Grace said. “The way you came at Catch, I figured it went deeper than the everyday concern or attraction.”
“Just doing the right thing.”
“Oh, shut up!”
“Are we done here?”
“Mr. Denial? Hello?”
I twisted a heel into the floor. “I’m dealing with it.”
Her eyebrows jumped. “Dealing with it? What does that mean?”
“I mean, I feel shit for her.”
She led me down another aisle filled with night lights and glow in the dark crap. “Good shit?”
“Yes. Very good, good shit. But she just got out of a relationship with that asswipe, and she told me a while back that she wasn’t looking to be anyone’s old lady. We’re hanging out, and it’s…good between us.”
“Oh, good.”
I rubbed the back of my neck. “I know she likes me. She hasn’t been shy about that, but I keep thinking, maybe it isn’t about me, maybe—”
“It’s about Dig?”
“Yeah. It’s just a voice in the back of my head. But, yeah, maybe it’s her vicarious hero worship of my dead best friend who saved her life when she was a teenager.”
“Have you asked her?”
“No, I haven’t asked her.”
“You’ve got to find out. If you really like her and want to pursue the relationship for real, you need to be straight-up with each other. Are you being straight-up with her?”
“Yeah, sure.”
She twisted her lips. “You need to be, so there aren’t any crazy, stupid misunderstandings and all sorts of petty bullshit.”
“You’re so damn smart.”
Grace pinched my side.
“Ow, woman!”
“What did you tell me a few months ago when my first surrogate miscarried, and I was flailing? You remember? You said, ‘Deal with your shit before it deals with you.’ You also told me to let Miller in, to let him really be there in my heart and not let go. How are you and Jill going to work if you’re only letting her part of the way in, and you’re not sure if she’s all in either?”
“You think I don’t know this?”
“Boner, if you have feelings for the girl, you should pursue it and live those feelings. Enjoy them. My sister only had a few years with her husband and her son, but she enjoyed that time, appreciated that kind of happiness. You deserve that kind of happiness too. You so deserve it, honey.” She stopped walking and pressed her lips together, sucking in a short breath through her nose, her eyes watering. “You’ve been alone for way too long, and I don’t know why that is.”
I shrugged. “I’ve never been normal. So what?”
She leaned into me. “You’re very, very special to me. I know there’s plenty you haven’t shared with me. Maybe you can’t because it’s just too painful. I respect that. Whatever it is though, please don’t let it get in the way of you and Jill, if you really want to be with her.”
I stared at my boots and took in a breath.
“Boner?”
“I’ve never had this before, babe,” I whispered. “This sort of good through and through.”
“And you’re not sure what to do with it? Is that it?”
“No, I know what to do with it, and before you ask, I’m not afraid of it either. I want to soak myself in it, in her. I just don’t want it to get taken away, like everything and everybody else.”
“I know. But we don’t have control over that, do we?”
I might.
Her hazel eyes searched mine. “You’ve got to let that go. Otherwise, there’s no room for anything else. That’s what I had to do. You do it, too. Let it go, and soak in it.” She hugged me, planting a kiss on my cheek. “I’m so happy for you. Please, please, Boner, be happy, too. This isn’t a burden. It’s a new kind of freedom.”
Freedom? Not for me.