“Are you doing okay, Kenz? Is it too hard to be here, you know, because it reminds you of Cory?” Holly’s question was met with glares from Becca and Todd. I tried not to let her question get to me; I knew she meant well. Holly just lacked the part of her brain that evaluated the effect her words might have. She was never purposefully inconsiderate, perhaps just too curious and just maybe lacking a little tact.
I think my friends were expecting me to have some sort of nervous breakdown as soon as I stepped foot onto the asphalt. Expected a new wave of devastation to roll through me. As if just existing in the aftermath wasn’t devastation enough.
“Holly,” I said, trying to mask a little of my irritation, fully aware I wasn’t doing a great job. “Every single piece of my life was intertwined with Cory’s. I can’t enter a room at my house that doesn’t have a piece of him in it. My bed, my living room, even the freaking tree house in my backyard are filled with Cory. He’s everywhere. So, no, being here isn’t too hard. Life is too hard right now; this is just par for the course.”
“She’s just worried about you,” Todd said, defending his girlfriend. “We all are, Kenzie. Is there anything we can do to make this easier for you?”
I forced a smile. “No. I’m sorry, Holly.” And I was. I didn’t want to snap at anyone, I just wanted to progress, to move forward. “Let’s just get on with it. This is life without Cory, and I can’t hide from it forever.” I looked down at my fingers gripping the strap of my bag, knuckles turning white. “He wouldn’t want that anyway.”
“You’re right,” Becca chimed in, the smile evident in her voice.
It hit me just then that I wasn’t the only one without Cory. Everyone was dealing with his loss. I immediately felt shame for being so selfish all morning. “Are you guys all doing all right?”
“It was weird the first couple of days,” Todd said, putting his arm around Holly’s shoulders. “Everyone was in shock and talking about it a lot. The counselors made sure everyone knew if they needed to talk to them, their doors were open. It was just, I don’t know, sad. But slowly it’s all gone back to normal.” He paused and as a group we all started migrating toward the building. “But I think when everyone sees you again, it might be a little crazy.”
“Crazy?” I asked, confused.
“Well, I think you might be somewhat of a spectacle,” Becca said, holding open the door for all of us. I gave her a questioning look, still not sure what they were talking about. “It’s always been you and Cory. No one has really seen you since he died, so seeing you might make people act weird.”
“Nothing too crazy,” Holly jumped in, “just people staring, maybe asking you questions. We just want you to be prepared.”
“Okay, well, I appreciate it. But I just want everything to level out.”
“Just let us know how we can help.” This came from Todd, Cory’s best friend. I looked at him then, really looked at him, and I could see the residual sadness. He looked tired, his hair a little longer than he usually wore it, shaggier, and he was missing something, some lightness that he usually carried around with him. I wasn’t the only one who’d lost a friend. They were suffering right along with me. And yet, they were all there offering to help me in any way they could.
I didn’t deserve them.
“Thank you, guys, I appreciate all your concern.” I turned and headed up the small staircase that would lead me to the senior hallway where all our lockers were located. “Just make sure you save me a seat at the lunch table and I’ll be fine,” I said, adding a laugh. It was a forced one, sounding totally fake, but it was the best I could do at that moment.
As was usually our routine, Todd kissed Holly good-bye, and he left with Becca. They had first period together, while Holly and I had our first class together on the other side of the school. As they said their good-byes, I absentmindedly turned the dial on my locker and pulled it open.
I was face-to-face with my favorite picture of Cory and me. It was taken at a prom after-party from the previous spring. One of Cory’s friends from the swim team had invited nearly the entire school to his house, claiming his parents were out of town, so everyone would be chaperone-free. We all brought tents and made campfires and had the best time.
I don’t remember who took that photo of us, but I remember it being posted on Facebook and making me smile immediately.
Cory and I were sitting on a log next to each other, both of us with a red plastic cup in our hands, both of us in sweatpants and t-shirts, and we were laughing hysterically. It was a moment caught in time in which we were both completely carefree, young, and happy. I also remembered why I liked it so much the first time I saw it; Cory wasn’t touching me.
He didn’t have his arm around me, we weren’t holding hands, he wasn’t pulling me to his side and kissing my temple, like he so often had.
We were just sitting next to each other, laughing. And we looked like the best of friends.
I grabbed the book I knew I’d need for my calculus class and slammed the door to my locker shut, the loud bang echoing down the emptying hallway.
“Everything all right?” Holly asked, giving me another concerned look.