“That’s so wrong. So, so wrong. And humiliating.”
“You could say that. And it got worse when I finally started to date girls. I tried to hide it from her, but she had a nose for things like that. She’d sniff out when I was doing certain things. And sometimes, if she was in one of her moods, she’d follow me around the apartment, telling me all the perverted stuff I was doing to those ‘sluts,’ as she called them.”
“That’s sick.”
“Of course, I wasn’t actually doing the things she accused me of. I was kissing girls, holding hands, maybe a copping a feel here and there. But she put other ideas in my head,” he growled.
Nicole gulped, hardly able to keep the shock and horror from her face. She hadn’t expected this outpouring from him, hadn’t even imagined that he was hiding this kind of history beneath his polished, brash exterior. “I’m so sorry,” she said. “What your mother did to you was wrong.”
“Thanks for saying that,” he said in a clipped voice. Then he downed the rest of his beer. His eyes were watery, but he seemed calmer now, less of a live wire.
“Is that why you…do what you do? With women?”
He pushed the empty beer glass away from himself. “I’m sure it’s not a coincidence. But it is what it is. I stopped trying to fight my peculiar urges a long time ago.”
Nicole didn’t know what she thought or felt about Red’s confession. She was sympathetic to what he’d gone through, but part of her was also wondering what kind of husband Red could make, given his traumatic upbringing.
“I did live with a woman before, and it was pretty awful,” he said. “I was a cold, dismissive person to her. And I suppose you saw a glimpse of that when you came back with me to the house. I didn’t think I’d do that with you,” he said, shaking his head in confusion. “I thought things would be different.”
“Maybe I’m not who you need me to be,” Nicole said.
“No,” he said, leaning forward and reaching across the table to put his hand on hers. “You’re exactly who I need you to be. I just didn’t have the courage to tell you what I’ve been living with. I’m ashamed of my needs—ashamed of the way I treat you. After we were together at my house that night, I became disgusted with myself. I sat in the study and all I heard was her voice, telling me how perverted and vile and sick I am.”
Nicole put both of her hands on his and massaged him comfortingly. He really was just a wounded boy at heart, and he was allowing her to see it. He was making himself completely vulnerable to her---she imagined it must be terrifying to someone who’d gone through that kind of betrayal from the most important woman in his life.
“You’re not sick or vile or perverted,” she said softly.
He looked up at her. “Tell me the truth. I disgust you.”
She laughed and shook her head. “I like what we do together, Red. I just want you to love me afterwards. And during, I want to know that you love me underneath it all.”
“Of course I love you, more than anything in this world,” he told her.
“How do I know that you won’t send me away again?” she asked.
“Never,” he said, turning his gaze fully to her and holding it. “I made the biggest mistake of my life when I treated you badly.”
“I don’t want you getting angry and smashing things, throwing things,” she said. “I can’t be around that. It makes me nervous.”
He agreed. “I won’t ever make you feel unsafe again.” Red started stroking her wrist softly and it felt so good, so incredible to feel his touch again after so long. “Give me another chance, Nicole, and I promise I won’t let you down.”
She looked at him and slowly smiled. “If I agree, will you let me drive your car?”
Red laughed. “If you give me another chance, I’ll let you run my company if you want.”
“Just the car,” Nicole said. “That would make me happy. That, and spending the night with you tonight.”
“I think we can arrange that,” he told her.
***
That night was magical. They went back to Red’s house in Connecticut, and he let her drive all the way home. The car handled like a dream, although she had to get used to the gas pedal being so responsive. A mere ounce of pressure from her foot and the car would jump forward. Red seemed to enjoy watching her struggle to control the beast, as he referred to it.
It made the drive fun and different. Red acted as though a huge weight had been lifted from his shoulders. He was joking with her and being relaxed and lighthearted.
When they got home, he carried her across the threshold of the entrance to the main hall, both of them giggling like school kids. And then it was straight up to the master bedroom, where she laid on the bed as he stared deeply into her eyes.