“It’s fine.” I don’t really know what else to say.
“That said, you should have told me I hurt your feelings,” Lauren presses. One slender hand reaches out toward me, then stops, her fingers flexing. Then inches forward until she’s touching my hand. She curls her warm fingers around mine, steps closer. “Instead of just running away, you should have said something. That’s what friends do, because they know they need to be honest. And you and I have a lot of things lately that we’ve left unsaid. I know some of that is totally my fault.” There’s sadness and sorrow mingled in her tone.
She’s right about that I should have stayed and told her the truth about how I feel. I know she is, and can even admit as much. But all I can do at the moment is nod to acknowledge her point.
“Is that why you came over?” I finally ask. “To apologize? Consider the apology received, then.” I know this much about Lauren—guilt will eat her alive until she feels a situation is resolved. The sooner she leaves me alone, the sooner I can pick up the pieces and move on.
“Cole.” She’s inches from me now, and I can smell the rich scents of cooking coming off her. She peers up into my eyes, and I can see a multitude of thoughts flashing there, rapid-fire. “You’re going to make me do this the hard way, aren’t you?” She gives an awkward laugh and shakes her head. “Okay then.”
“No, Lauren, I can’t do this with you anymore. Seriously. Just go home, or to work, or wherever else you need to be right now.” I drop her hand and close my eyes to take a moment to myself. I cannot deal with one more incident with her. It might crush me.
“I just— Please, give me a few minutes to explain everything, and I promise I’ll leave. Well, after I clean up the kitchen, that is.” She sighs. “Back in college, Christina had a massive fight with her boyfriend, Max,” she starts in a hesitant voice. I open my eyes and see her looking down at her own feet. Her fingers are pressed against her belly, and she’s breathing shallowly. “He came to me that night, crying, upset over their estrangement and imminent breakup. He and I got drunk as we talked, and then…” She stops.
“You don’t need to say anything else,” I tell her, shaking my head. “You don’t owe me any explanation about your past.”
“I know I don’t, but…I want you to know, because I hid it from you all these years. I was ashamed, and I never told you that’s why Christina and I stopped talking. I tried to cover it up and pretend it never happened. Then she saw me with you at my place, and it brought all of that right back to the surface.” Lauren rubs the back of her neck and shifts from leg to leg. “I was afraid you’d think badly of me if you knew what I did.”
“I’m not judging you.” The words are honest, true. I’m not judging her for that. We all make mistakes we’re not proud of.
“I know you’re not. That’s why you’re a far better friend to me than I’ve ever been to you. Because—” Her voice cracks again, and she sniffles, still staring at the ground. “Cole, things have changed between us. I didn’t expect it to happen, and I was scared, because I was afraid I was going to lose the man I care about most in my life.”
I struggle to keep my voice even and not let my quiet pain bleed out into my words. “Thank you for coming over. For trying to do something nice for me. But we can’t be friends right now. At least, not for a while.”
“I don’t think we can, either,” she says, and I blink at the top of her head in shock.
Okay, not what I was expecting to hear her say.
Lauren sucks in a loud breath, then looks up at me. Her eyes are wide, tear-rimmed, and her lip is caught between her teeth. “Cole, I…I love you. I’m in love with you. That’s why I don’t want to be friends—or just friends, at any rate. I want to take a chance with you, be with you, hold your hand and dive out of that airplane with you. Not friends-with-benefits, but more. You know, dating. Out in the open. And,” she swallows, “and it kills me that it took me so long to tell you, and now I’ve probably lost the opportunity with you, but I had to tell you how I feel—”
I cut her off by slanting my mouth over hers, kissing the rest of the words from her. The blood is roaring in my ears, my pulse pounding hard enough to make the blood vessels burst. I tug her flush against me, heedless of anything else but touching her. She opens to my kiss immediately, her tongue sweeping along mine. Wraps her arms around me and strokes my neck.
And for the first time in years, I feel the peace I’ve been craving. A real sense of home in her arms.