“Crap. I’m guessing it didn’t go well,” she murmurs. “Are you okay? Wait, let’s not do this over the phone. I’ll come get you. We’ll go to the park and talk.”
I can’t help the grin that spreads on my face. So many hours of our youth spent there, sitting on the swings or doing lazy circles on the merry-go-round, talking about everything under the sun, from how badly we bombed the math quiz to how much I desperately wanted to be a different person, anyone other than myself. Haven’t been back there in years. “Sounds good.” I suddenly feel more perked up. Wasn’t planning on seeing her today, so this is a nice surprise.
“I’ll be there in fifteen.”
We hang up. I groan as I rise from the chair, stretch the tight muscles of my lower back. I have to get back in a gym, back to a regular workout routine—I’m getting too fucking lazy if standing on my feet all day is making me this sore. Lame. After working at the bar the last several days, I have an all-new respect for Xander, who does this daily, no complaints. And he has a wife and a kid, too.
Maybe I’ll be in his shoes soon.
The thought of Lauren’s belly swollen with my child, her hands resting on the curve, feeling a little foot kick against my palm… I have to fight off the protective, yet also sexual, reaction that sweeps over me. Putting the cart before the horse, I tell myself. I gotta take this in steps. Can’t rush it.
I change out of my faded T-shirt into a long-sleeved dark gray shirt and grab a bottle of screw-top pink wine from Dad’s small wine cooler, for old time’s sake. Lauren pulls into the driveway a few minutes later. I stroll down the front steps toward her, and I can’t help the small thrill of cockiness I feel when I realize her gaze is fixed hard on me. Guess my laziness the last couple of weeks with not working out regularly hasn’t yet impacted the way I look. I try not to smirk.
I slide into the passenger seat of her sedan. Before she can say a word, I reach over and brush a soft kiss on her plump lips. She sighs against my mouth, and I feel her warm and relax toward me. This is how I want her, not wound tight or overthinking everything. Just feeling. It’s so fucking tempting to plunge deeper, but I pull back and exercise the few scraps of control I manage to retain around her.
“You brought wine,” she says in a breathless voice, and I chuckle.
“We have to stick to our tradition.” Also per our tradition, I didn’t bring any cups. We just swig right out of the bottle, like classy folks do.
She pulls out of the driveway and we drive the mile or so to the park, which is on the neighborhood’s elementary school grounds. It’s dark outside; I hear the soft sounds of nature as I close the door and we make our way toward the playground.
Her hand slips into mine, soft and small, and I squeeze. Despite this shit with my dad, Lauren is my anchor. I need this woman so badly it scares me. She only sees the tip of the iceberg when it comes to my feelings for her. Somehow, it’s safer, less scary to reveal only my sexual desire for her.
I tell myself it’s because I don’t want to pressure her, but I also know that deep down, that small and scared kid who still lives in a tiny corner of my chest is afraid of being hurt beyond repair. Making Lauren come on my mouth, on my cock, on my fingers is far, far easier than ripping my chest open and handing her my heart.
Sometimes I can still hear my mom’s fearful voice after she busted me trying to ride a skateboard in elementary school: “One day you’re going to take a risk, and I won’t be there to save you when you fall.”
My lungs clench at the memory. Too late, Mom. I fell for Lauren a long time ago. I just haven’t hit ground yet. If I’m lucky, I never will.
We cross the border of the parking lot and step across spring grass. The park is empty, and the moon is full and hanging low, casting a pale white glow everywhere.
“Where do kids go nowadays when they want to escape their houses?” I muse out loud.
She laughs. “Things aren’t what they were when you and I were growing up. Hanging at a playground isn’t cool.”
“It wasn’t cool when we were growing up either,” I point out.
“That’s fair. We were usually alone here. And I’m okay with that, because we were uncool together.”
Me and Lauren against the world. Fuck, I missed her so much. I stop our forward progress and pull her against me for a quick moment, wrapping my free arm around her, just to remind myself I’m really here with her, that she’s real and alive and I can touch her.