And then I was coming, my pussy clenching around him as spasms of ecstasy ricocheted through my body.
“Fuck, Olivia,” he groaned, and then he was coming too, and I could feel him filling me with his seed, and it made my orgasm that much more intense and shattered me from the inside out.
He fell onto my body as continued to pump his cum into me, grabbing my hair and twisting it in his hands as he thrust into me, harder and harder, until he was done.
I ran my hands down his back and closed my eyes tight.
We laid there for a moment, not saying anything, letting our breathing slow and our heart rates return to normal.
I shivered, not from cold but from the thought of what we’d just did, but Colt must have thought I was cold, because he lifted up the comforter on his bed and motioned me to get underneath.
I slid under the blanket and he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me close. I laid my head on his chest, and his fingers tangled in my hair.
“You okay?” he asked again.
“Yes.”
He pulled back and looked at me, tipping my chin up so that I was forced to look him right in the eye. “You sure? I know that was intense.”
“I like intense,” I said, keeping my eyes on his. He must have seen something there, reflected in my eyes. It might have been the closeness I was feeling toward him or the fact that even though it made absolutely no sense, I felt safer with him than I’d ever felt with anyone.
“Olivia…” He looked away and trailed off, but I knew what he had been about to say – that I shouldn’t start getting attached to him, that what had just happened between us didn’t mean anything. “Listen, I know you want –”
“Please,” I said and turned over in bed, shoving my hands under the pillow and squeezing my eyes shut. “Please, I don’t… you don’t have to say it.”
I was disappointed. For a second it occurred to me that maybe what I was feeling was just residual disappointment leftover from what had happened with Declan, that maybe I’d just transferred how I was feeling about him onto Colt.
But my heart knew it wasn’t like that.
The Declan disappointment was the kind of dull disappointment you experienced when you’d lost something that wasn’t really yours to begin with, the kind of disappointment that faded quickly because it wasn’t based on anything real.
This new disappointment, it was real. It cut. It burned. It rubbed me raw from the inside out. The whole time I’d been with Declan, all I could think about was Colt. How much I missed him. How much I wanted him.
And now that we’d had sex again, I wanted him even more.
It made no sense. I hadn’t known him that long.
He had secrets and damaged spots inside of him just like I did. And yet for some reason, I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was falling in love with him.
And it felt real.
Colt threw the covers back and began getting out of bed. “Don’t do this, Olivia.”
“Don’t do what?”
“Don’t put your shit with Declan onto me.”
“That’s what you think I’m doing?”
“Yes, Olivia, that’s exactly what I think you’re doing. You’re acting like I hurt you, when really the person you’re upset about is Declan.”
I sat up in bed and gathered the sheets around me angrily. My first instinct was to run away, to leave this room, this apartment, to find somewhere to cut myself and then return to the shelter and never look back.
But something was pushing me not to do that, was pushing me to actually try to feel my emotions, to try and express them instead of running away.
“Did you ever stop and think that maybe this isn’t about Declan?” I demanded. “That maybe I went to see Declan and all I could think about was you? That maybe what we did just now, what we did earlier, actually meant something to me?”
Colt was getting dressed, and he zipped his jeans and then grabbed his shirt off the floor. “You’re too smart for that.”
“Too smart for what?”
“To let this mean something to you.” He started to pull his shirt on, but I stood up and grabbed his arm.
“Why?” I said. “Why, Colt? Why would you say something like that?”
“Forget it.” He went to wrench out of my grasp, but I held onto him.
“Colt.”
He turned, his dark eyes locking on mine.
“Why?” I pressed. “Why would I be too smart to let this mean something to me?”
“Olivia, don’t do this.”
“Don’t do what?”
“Don’t push me like this. I warned you. I told you I wasn’t the guy for you.” Hot tears pricked my eyes and for a moment, I wondered if maybe he was right, if maybe I’d been stupid enough to do the exact same thing with Colt that I’d done with Declan, if I’d pinned all my hopes on him instead of protecting myself.
It felt different, but was that just because I’d slept with him?
It didn’t matter, I told myself.
Cold had made it clear how he felt.
And one thing I was smart enough to realize was when someone didn’t want me.
I turned away and began gathering my clothes.
Colt sighed. “Olivia.”