“It is true! You’d rather be married to her for another ten years than give her anything more. You’re choosing your own battles and your own demons over me. You did it all those years ago, and you’re doing it now, and it’s never going to change.”
Damn it all the tears brimmed, glimmering in my eyes and making it hard to see his expression. “I fell in love with a man who is never really going to love me back. Not the way I love him,” my voice broke, and I angrily wiped away the tear that trailed down my cheek. “Because I would do anything for you. I would give up everything for you, if only I knew that you’d be there for me in the end. But you know what? It’s always been a mirage with you. Every time I think I see a future, I get a little closer and it disappears.”
“Taryn--”
“No, Landon. This is really it. I have to move on from all of this. And if you care about me, even an ounce, you’ll let me do that.”
And then I pushed past him, another tear trailing down my cheek. I stumbled on the threshold to the patio door, but caught my footing and rushed across his house, out the front door, and down to my car. Sobs threatened to wrench free as I shoved the key into the ignition and peeled out of his driveway.
In the rearview mirror, Landon stood on his front porch, motionless as he watched me leave. Through the tears, his expression looked empty. Blank. As if he would accept my leaving him, rather than run after me.
Rather than win me back.
I realized then, as my car carried me further way, that I’d still expected him to do something. I thought somehow he’d grab my arm as I rushed by him, that he’d run out into the front drive barefoot and push the car door shut, take my keys from my shaking hands, and tell me he loved me. Tell me he’d do anything to make sure we could have a future together, a future unencumbered by his past, by his ex, by his demons.
I hated myself for believing in him at every turn, even though he only ever gave me reasons to distrust him.
But that had to end. Today.
No more looking in the rear view mirror, hoping to see a man that didn’t exist.
Chapter 4
At home, I stomped into the house, my emotions overwhelming me. Matt was in the kitchen, his arms buried in soapy dishwater.
“The princess returns,” he said, not bothering to turn around. His voice is cutting, and I want to scream at him, take out all my frustration.
“Right, because I’m the one with a royal stick up their ass.”
He scowled over his shoulder at me. “What’s that supposed to mean? I’m not the one who blurted out my sibling’s secret to a room full of strangers.”
“It shouldn’t be a secret Matt. That’s the whole point. You should’ve told me when you were diagnosed.”
“Why?” He asked, wiping his hands on a towel and turning to face me. “So you and dad could stress out for months, wondering if I’d get better?”
“No, Matt,” I said, spitting his name like it was an insult. “So we could be there for you. Like you’ve always been there for me.”
“You don’t get it. My way of being there for you is to spare you from the pain of not knowing. You think I asked for this? For any of this?”
“Of course not.”
“Then why do you keep punishing me for it?”
“It’s the lies! I’m so sick of everyone fucking lying to me!” I yanked out a chair from the dining room table, dropping down to sit on it and burying my hands in my hair. Today had been too much. Entirely too much. I looked up at him. “What if you’d kept it a secret and it was terminal?”
“It’s not.”
My heart skipped a beat. “Do you know that for sure?”
“I’m going to be okay,” he said, his voice and his expression softening. “They caught it early. I had a small surgery to remove the tumor, and chemo to eradicate any surviving cells. It’s effective.”
I didn’t realize I was crying until a hiccup came out of my mouth. His face fell and he stepped closer. “Jesus, did you think I was actually--“
“I didn’t know what to think, okay?” I snapped. “You weren’t talking to me about it.”
“It’s not like with Mom,” he said softly. “A lot of people get cancer and are fine. It’s a scary word, but it’s different than what she had.”
“How was I supposed to know?”
He sank into a chair opposite from me. “I kept it from you so you wouldn’t know anything. I never meant for you to hear part of the story and imagine the worst.”
“Yeah, well, I did.” I chewed on my lip. “I mean Landon said you had a good prognosis, but my imagination has been going crazy.”
“I’m sorry,” he said softly. “I really am.”
“It reminded me of— “
“I know,” he said, his voice firm. “I Know exactly how you reacted, because that’s how I did too. That’s what I was trying to avoid. You didn’t deserve to go through this again, so if I could spare you that, I wanted to.”
“Yet you told Landon.” I said, my voice accusatory.
“Landon’s a hard bastard who could handle a little bad news. I wasn’t worried about him.”