“Thank God Eva rang this morning,” Matthew said. “Not that I blame you for leaving, after what I said.”
What I said. The cautious man beside me didn’t seem capable of raising a hand in anger to anyone, let alone killing the aunt he loved. But what he told me would have to be addressed somehow if our marriage was going to survive.
Matthew clutched my knee, reassuring himself that I was really there. “I have a proposition. Since you’ve already got your bag packed, why don’t we get away for a bit? We can stay at the apartment downtown. See a show, take Blanche and Billy out for dinner—whatever you want.”
“What about work?”
“I’ve already canceled my meetings. I’m yours through the weekend.”
His hand brushed my cheek, and my apprehension melted. When was the last time Matthew and I had fun together? The last time I felt young?
Matthew reached out, carefully, and patted me on the stomach. It was that touch, more than anything he said, that made me believe in him. In us. From the day I’d found out I was pregnant, I’d thought of the baby as a burden. Now, for the first time, I allowed myself to picture the child who would be born in four months. Would it be a daughter for Matthew to spoil? A son he’d one day send off to Yale? The thought of Matthew holding a baby—our baby—filled me with a sudden, sharp ache, and I surprised us both by bursting into happy tears.
I told Matthew I looked ridiculous, stepping out around town with a belly that bulged against my dress. He laughed and said I was more beautiful than ever, and strangely enough, I believed him. Though I felt pudgy and clumsy, I giggled my way across the dance floor at the Pharaoh’s Club with Matthew holding me firmly in his arms. We drank gin fizzes with Blanche and waved to Billy in the band. All around us, it seemed, people were talking fast and walking even faster, living at a pace I’d long since left behind. I tried to put on an air of nonchalant elegance by smoking a cigarette through a holder, and when I gave up, coughing, Matthew kissed me, breathing in the smoke from my mouth to his.
“Don’t try to be Theda Bara,” he said with a grin. “I like you as you are.”
We stumbled back to the apartment, giddy with alcohol and laughter, kissing in the elevator and pulling off each other’s clothes in the hall. My skin warmed as Matthew’s hands ran over my slip, but I started feeling self-conscious when his fingers wandered underneath, along my swollen stomach. Ever since the baby, he’d been careful how he touched me, as if I were a fragile piece of china, and I wished we could get back to how it used to be, without that barrier between us.
I kissed Matthew’s neck, then pressed my teeth against his skin and grabbed the hair at the back of his head. He gave me a mischievous look.
“Feeling naughty?” he asked.
“Very.”
With a tantalizing smile, Matthew threw one arm around my back and the other under my knees. He lifted me up and began carrying me to the bedroom, but I shook my head and whispered, “The sofa.”
Our next kisses were harder, rougher. His hands pushed and pulled as I egged him on with suggestive whispers. Matthew’s unpredictability had often left me scared and confused, but that night, I finally understood I’d always been attracted to the danger beneath his calm surface. It was what had intrigued me about him from the very beginning. The terrible things we’d said to each other weren’t forgotten, but they no longer mattered. I was swept up in the sensation of Matthew’s hands and mouth on my skin, and I didn’t want it to stop.
Curled up afterward in bed, Matthew began apologizing again, and I told him not to worry.
“Your dreams are just that. Dreams. I know you wouldn’t hurt Cecily.” Gently, I ran my lips along the rise of his collarbone. “Or me.”
Relief loosened the muscles in his shoulders and neck. “It’s so hard to explain what it’s like, to wake up and not know what’s real.” His hand rounded the curves of my shoulder, my waist, my hip. “It’s more frightening than the dreams, sometimes. But when I see you, I know I’m safe. It makes me love you even more.”
“I don’t want to lose this feeling,” I said. “You and me, together.”
“Me neither.”
Matthew flashed one of his dazzling smiles. The kind that would have tempted me to kiss him if I hadn’t been so intent on what I wanted to say.
“Do you promise we’ll always come first with each other? I’ll do my best to get along better with your mother, but if she keeps bossing me around, I want to know you’ll take my side.”
Matthew nodded. “I will.”
“Lakecrest’s part of the problem, too. You know it is. It’s your home, but it’s never felt like mine.”
“Well, how about we bring the place into the twentieth century? Buy some new furniture, fix up our room however you like. Would that help?”
“It might.”
“Marjorie will have some ideas. She has quite an eye.”
Of course, I thought. Something else she’s good at. Matthew must have sensed my irritation, because he propped himself up on one arm and looked at me intently.
“About my sister,” he said. “Don’t judge her too harshly. We used to be inseparable, and it’s been hard for her since I married. If only she’d find a nice fellow to settle down with . . .”
I remembered what Marjorie had told me in the Labyrinth: Sometimes it felt like I could read Matts’s mind. The wistful way she’d said it.
Matthew wrapped his arm around my shoulders and squeezed.
“You remember our wedding vows? For better or for worse? Well, we’ve gotten through the worse. When I think how terrified I was to tell you the truth about my dreams, all that skulking around to the clinic—God, it’s wonderful to be past it all. To know we can be completely honest with each other.”
He ruffled my hair with his fingers and pulled me close for a deep, lingering kiss. With a sudden twist in my chest, I realized I loved him—really loved him, with a deep, unshakeable certainty. Whatever Matthew had done, whatever his weaknesses, I wanted to live with him, raise children with him, grow old by his side. And I could lose it all, forever, if I gave him what he wanted. Total honesty would mean telling him the one thing guaranteed to shatter his trust, that I was no better than all the other girls who set out to catch Matthew Lemont. It didn’t matter that my feelings for him had changed; he would never forgive the betrayal. I buried my face in Matthew’s chest, afraid he’d see the regret etched across my face.
“Don’t go to sleep just yet,” he said, nudging me gently in the ribs. “There’s something I need to tell you.”
I turned to face him, forcing what I hoped was a convincing smile.
“Redecorate all you want. See if it helps. After the baby’s here, if you’re still miserable at Lakecrest, we’ll move. Buy our own house.”
“Really? What about your mother?”
“It’s not her decision. From now on, you come first.”
I didn’t have to fake a smile this time. “I’m the luckiest woman in the world.”
And I meant it.