Alicia showed up at Wendell’s office door just as the sun was setting. At first Wendell’s heart filled with possibility. They hadn’t gotten to talk after school and he could hardly wait to share the news about the success of the first Raise the Bar meeting. Maybe the program wouldn’t cause her additional panic attacks after all. But as soon as Wendell ushered her into his office his enthusiasm died.
Her eyes were red and her makeup was all but worn off.
She shut the door behind her and searched his face. “Hold me, Wendell. Please.”
Wendell’s heart pounded in his chest. He didn’t say a word, just drew her close. Was this the breakup he’d been expecting? He closed his eyes briefly and ran his hand along the back of her head. “I’m here.”
For a while neither of them said anything. Then Alicia drew back and studied him. “You were brilliant. At the meeting today.”
Where was this going? He chose his words carefully. “You only stayed ten minutes.”
“That’s all it took.” Fresh tears filled her eyes. “Every word you said . . . the students loved it. They loved you.” She smiled, and despite her tears the joy on her face seemed genuine. “It’s going to be a huge success, Wendell.” Her smile dimmed. “Until someone stops you, it’ll make a tremendous impact.”
“But . . . you didn’t stay.”
“I couldn’t.” Her eyes looked closed off. More of the fear from earlier today. She took a step back, distancing herself. “My heart started racing. I couldn’t catch my breath.” She hesitated. “I thought . . . I was going to die. For real this time.”
“Alicia . . .” He hated this. If only he could help her. “You won’t die. Please . . .”
“No.” She shook her head, her voice as broken as it was tender. “I’m not like you, Wendell. I told you, I’m not strong. And I need my job. As wonderful as this will be for the kids, it’s against the law. You know it is.”
Be gentle, he told himself. He drew a slow breath. “That’s your fear speaking, Alicia. Listen to yourself.” He kept his voice soft, his tone kind. “God will get us through this. Whatever happens. It’s not wrong to hold a voluntary club. I’ve been very careful in my research. Don’t you believe that?”
“Wendell, you’re not a lawyer.” Alicia wiped at her tears and shook her head, her eyes locked on the floor between them. “I need to think about things. About us. I need time.”
Time. There it was. Her way of stepping back. Ending things with him. The actual breakup was just a matter of days now. Wendell drew a slow breath. “Alicia, look at me.”
She lifted her eyes and there it was. Already she was pulling away from him.
Wendell brushed her hair back from her face. “You don’t have to be afraid. We can get through this together.” He hesitated. “Remember? You feel safe with me.”
“I did.” This time her expression told him she had all but made up her mind. “I don’t want to lose you . . . or the kids. But my doctor told me to avoid triggers.” She paced a few steps and then turned to him again. “Do you know how much it hurts me that you’re a trigger?” Tears spilled onto her cheeks.
“I’m not a trigger, Alicia.” Wendell held his hand out to her. “I love you.”
Her breathing was fast again, the way it was when he first watched her have a panic attack.
“No, baby.” Wendell reached for her hands. “Don’t do this. God’s here. He’s with us.”
“I can’t.” She took another step back, clearly working to maintain control. She closed her eyes, and a series of slow, full breaths followed. A coping mechanism, she’d told him before. Her tone was calm when she continued. “If I can’t . . . stand by you . . . it’s wrong for me to stay.” She paused. “I’m broken, Wendell. You need someone whole.”
Be gentle, he told himself.
There were a hundred things Wendell could tell her, ways he could remind her about why she had fallen in love with him in the first place, and how beautiful their summer together had been. But in the end he said nothing. This had to be her decision.
He took a step back. “I’m sorry, Alicia. Whatever you decide . . . I respect that.”
She reached for his hand and squeezed it. Like it about killed her to let him go. But when she left his office she went without looking back. Wendell moved to the window and watched her walk to her car and drive off.
Suddenly the years melted away and he could see the way Alicia had looked when Wendell first knew something was wrong. Back when they were merely co-workers. Wendell would catch a glimpse of fear in her eyes, even in her happiest moments as a teacher.
He knew now that her fear had a name. A man who had stalked her and terrorized her, loved her and dated her off and on for the past few years. A man she hadn’t quite escaped until recently.
A man named Jack Renton.
Wendell returned to his desk and opened the top drawer. Just inside was a list of phone numbers for law enforcement. People he could call at a moment’s notice if Alicia needed his help. If Jack ever showed up at Hamilton High. The phone number of a buddy who worked for the FBI, and the number for the police chief of the precinct that included Hamilton. Also the number to the courthouse where she could file a restraining order against Jack if ever it came to that.
For today Jack was out of her life. But the man was never far away. Even now.
Wendell pulled a photo from his desk drawer, the one that sat next to the list of phone numbers. It was a picture of Alicia and Wendell the first time they went to dinner. Taken the evening the line between friendship and attraction dissolved like sugar in her iced tea.
The waiter had taken the photo. “Celebrating an anniversary?” he had asked.
Wendell and Alicia had laughed and Wendell spoke first. “More like a first date.”
Surprise had filled the waiter’s eyes. “Could’ve fooled me.” He had winked at Wendell. “You two look like you’ve been together for years. Like you were made for each other.”
Made for each other. Wendell looked at the photograph for a long while. She was pulling away. How can I help her, God?
Another memory came. One from longer back, a year at least. The first time Wendell had figured out what was sucking the life out of Alicia Harris. Wendell had been working late when Alicia hurried back into the school from the parking lot.
She had knocked on his office door, her face stricken.
Immediately, Wendell went to her. “Alicia, what’s wrong?” He searched her eyes. “Is someone hurt?”
“No.” The word sounded like her mouth was dry, and Wendell could see her heartbeat at the base of her throat. She seemed breathless as she continued. “It’s just . . . my tire’s flat. And my cell phone’s dead. Could I . . . could I call for a tow truck from your office?”
Wendell knew one thing immediately.
The panic in her voice meant something else was bothering her. Something more grave than just a flat tire.
“You can use my phone.” Wendell took off his jacket and rolled up his sleeves. “I’ll take a look at your tire.”
“No!” Her answer came too quickly. “I . . . I’ll call for help. I don’t want to bother you.”
Wendell uttered a confused laugh. “Alicia, I know how to change a tire. Do you have a spare?”
“I’m not . . . sure.”
Wendell looked intently at the woman. Alicia had always been happy, full of light. But she had changed. Lately she was as distant as she was beautiful. And on that particular day, Alicia was clearly terrified. She looked over her shoulder and then out Wendell’s window and back at him.
Finally she agreed to have Wendell look at her tire. He followed her out to her car and stooped down to examine the problem. That’s when he got his first hint at the secret life Alicia Harris had been living.