“And you think Luke’s the one who’s not really friends with you,” said Serene.
“Yes!” said Elliot, and Serene continued to look at him. “May . . . be.”
He was reminded, suddenly, of how Luke turned up all the time: at lunch tables where Elliot was, at the play Elliot had insisted on joining. Serene would have wanted Luke to look out for Elliot when she wasn’t there, but it was ridiculous to imagine she would have cared if Luke ate lunch with Dale. Elliot thought about following someone around for years while they made clear they wanted nothing to do with you.
That could not be what was going on. Luke had no reason to do that. This was something Elliot would do, Elliot would suffer. Never Luke.
“Yes,” Elliot said again.
Elliot was right about this. He had to be.
If he was not, then he had not just been cruel to Luke last night. He had been cruel to Luke for years.
“No,” said Serene. “This is stupid. Why do men always overthink—no, I beg your pardon, Elliot, I did not mean that.”
The Serene of years ago would not have cut herself off and begged his pardon for what she had not quite said. Elliot would really like to meet Golden one day, though he flattered himself he’d had a hand in changing her as well.
She took a deep breath. “I confess I do not know why you thought any of this, or understand why you have been acting in this fashion.”
Elliot looked out at the still, terrible battlefield, at the bodies and the flies. He wanted to say, because I’m terrible, but Serene knew him, knew about Dale, and had still come after him. She wouldn’t agree with him.
Maybe it wasn’t true.
“What Luke said about the human world . . .,” Elliot began carefully. “It was true. Did you—know that?”
Serene was quiet for a moment. “I hadn’t thought it out like Luke must have,” she said. “But I did suspect something was wrong. You never talked about your home.”
“My mother left when I was a baby,” said Elliot.
Serene sniffed. “Lahrame. Only dishonorable women abandon men and children who they should be responsible for. But I know it happens, too often, and I am so sorry.”
Elliot parsed out the elvish word she had used, colloquial and unfamiliar to him. He thought it meant something like “deadbeat.”
“It’s actually more common for men to abandon than women in my world,” he said. “I guess that’s because society trains your men, and our women, to feel they are ultimately responsible for the children. But of course both genders . . . I’m sorry. I’m getting sidetracked. Home wasn’t good. I don’t make friends easily. Not just because of home, but because of me. I might have got some things wrong and done some things wrong. Last night, for instance. Among many other times.”
Elliot shrugged and turned away from the battlefield. He had to go back to the camp sooner or later. There was a treaty and its final details to be worked out.
Serene’s quiet voice held him still.
“I have often wondered. . . .” Serene began, and then corrected herself. “I have often worried that . . . being a woman, I can be oblivious to other people’s feelings, and I am less able to talk about and deal with emotional situations. I have sometimes thought that if I were a man, or—or perhaps a human woman, I would have been able to treat you with more tact and sensitivity when we were younger. Or that I might have observed the trouble between you and Luke sooner, and known how to mend it. If I were different, perhaps everything would have been better between us three.”
“I can only speak for myself,” said Elliot, and took her arm as she held it out, in courtly fashion. “But I have always felt that it was a privilege to be your friend, and I have never wanted you to change in any way at all.”
“How strange,” said Serene, and he was caught off guard by her rare smile. “I always thought exactly the same thing about you.”
Elliot knew he did not deserve it, but he could accept this grace from Serene. It was Luke who Elliot would have to apologize to, knowing that an apology would never mean anything: it was Luke who was never going to forgive him.
“I’m never going to forgive him,” Luke snapped at Serene.
Elliot had waited until the treaty was completed and they were marching home to approach Luke, hoping that Luke might have cooled down a little.
Apparently not.
In retrospect, while Luke might be pleased he was going home, he was probably not as delighted as Elliot by the treaty, which had agreed trade and rendezvous points for human and harpy sentries. Celaeno had deliberately put a feather from her wings into Elliot’s hair afterward, which Elliot was certain was a mark of affection. Of course, Celaeno was still under the massively mistaken impression that Elliot was dating Luke.
Actually Luke was probably mad at Elliot about that too.
And he might have noticed the fact that Elliot had been forced to dodge Dale all day.
Waiting had obviously been a terrible idea.
“Hi, Serene,” Elliot said, announcing his presence, and sneaked a guilty glance at Luke. “Er, hi, Luke.”
Luke did not respond, and he did not look at Elliot. He would usually do that, no matter how mad he was.
This was hopeless. Elliot should just be tactful for once, comply with Luke’s clear wishes, and go. Only Serene had seemed certain they were actually friends, that it went both ways, and if they were, then Elliot owed him an apology before he left.
There was no way to do it right, so he was just going to do it.
“Okay,” Elliot said, and took a deep breath. “I’m really sorry. I went too far and it was spiteful and wrong and I’m very, very sorry. You were right about stuff back in the human world and I wanted to hurt you, but it was a low blow and I’m ashamed of myself. I honestly feel terrible, Luke. I can’t apologize enough.”
“Oh—no. It’s all right,” said Luke.
Elliot stared, and Serene snorted.
Luke went on, his brow furrowed. He was having difficulty getting the words out, but he was looking at Elliot again. “Look, he’s not—he’s not my boyfriend or anything. And I’m sorry, too. I shouldn’t have said any of that. It was dishonorable and you didn’t deserve it. I’d just seen the harpies on the battlefield, and I was—I was upset. I think the human world sounds stupid anyway. You should stay here with me and Serene.”
He had done something wrong, and said he was sorry and meant it, and been forgiven. It was as simple as that, and Elliot could not believe it.
You should stay here with me and Serene, Luke had said, as if what Elliot wanted was what Luke wanted as well.
Elliot could not help but think of how often he had struck out wildly to defend himself, when just saying what he felt would have worked.
Except it would not have worked, not on his father, or his mother, or on Jase or Adara. It only worked when someone cared how you felt.
He did not know how to act, if Luke cared what he felt.