And of course . . . that was the risk. That’s what had happened to me at SafeZone. After I’d outed the director for sleeping with the very people he’d vowed to help, I’d been looked at as a jealous opportunist who’d been scorned before lashing out.
But Gavin wasn’t like Jamie Gallagher. He couldn’t be. After all the time we’d spent together in the past couple of months, there was no way Gavin could hide from me. I knew everything from the results of his last physical to the way he liked his coffee, and he was starting to know as much about me. He read me almost as well as Jasmine, and he seemed to genuinely give a damn about me. About my father. About anonymous kids wearing decades-old pads while getting slammed into the field.
He wasn’t like Jamie. He didn’t use people.
Case patted my knee. “You ready to eat? My ma thinks food is a cure for just about anything, so I’m gonna follow in her footsteps and stuff you full of Italian bread, cheese, and delicious meats.”
I forced a laugh. “Okay. Let’s eat.”
He hadn’t been lying about the food being delicious, but I didn’t really taste any of it. I picked at a chicken parm hero while wondering whether Gavin had holed up in a fucking hidden panic room just to stay away from me, and only half-assedly discussed the novel me and Case had been buddy reading.
After driving back, he gave me a big hug before letting me out of the car. He sped away just in time to miss the football that went careening at his back window.
I looked to the other side of the yard to see Gavin standing there sneering at the taillights. He didn’t give me a second look before turning and stalking towards the back of the house.
“Hey!”
Gavin didn’t pause. His long legs allowed him to disappear from view even as I jogged across the driveway and followed. He strode faster, walking through the line of trees to approach the deck and pool. I had to outright run in order to catch up, and even then, he only stopped because I grabbed his shoulder.
“Gavin, what the hell?”
He swung around, eyes blazing. I expected him to snarl at me, or to shout, but he just exhaled through his nose and, through gritted teeth, spat out, “What?”
“What is wrong with you?”
“No clue what you’re talking about.”
My jaw dropped. “No clue?” I jerked a thumb over my shoulder. “You threw a football at my friend’s car.”
“So?”
“So, what the fuck is your problem? You just go around throwing shit at people’s vehicles?”
“I was practicing,” he said flatly.
“Well, you better practice more because that throw sucked.”
Gavin’s eyes narrowed and flicked away, but he bit the inside of his cheek as if trying to hide a smile. He squinted over the deck and towards the beach with his arms crossed over his chest.
“What do you want, Noah?”
“I want to know what’s wrong with you.”
“I can’t leave this property until February, and I have anger problems.”
I threw up my hands. “Great. Now you’re just going to be a smartass.”
“I wasn’t going to be anything, but you brought your ass sprinting over here like the driveway was on fire.”
“Because you avoided me all morning and then tried to break Case’s rear windshield with your goddamn football.”
Gavin scoffed. “I’m not Simeon. I don’t have those super quarterback powers.”
“Fine. Whatever. But we need to talk.”
“There’s nothing to talk about. I know where you stand, and I’ll respect that. But you bringing mechanic boy over here is a low blow.”
“How is it a low blow?”
“Oh, come on, Noah. Be real.”
Gavin turned again, striding towards the pool. He ripped off his shirt and tossed it on the ground before kicking off his sneakers. He had nothing else on but tight shorts and his ankle monitor. I watched for a second before joining him by the diving board.
“We just had lunch, Gavin. That’s it.”
“You don’t have to explain yourself to me,” Gavin said, standing in his shorts and glaring down at the water. “It’s none of my business what you do.”
“Yeah, that’s true, but whatever you’re thinking is completely inaccurate. The only sparks between me and Case ignite when we start talking about food and books. We’re just friends.”
“Whatever.”
Gavin jumped into the pool, causing water to splash over the side and wet my sneakers. He stayed beneath the water for several seconds before breaking the surface. It was like a goddamn Sandals commercial with the sun reflecting off his golden hair as he combed his fingers through the wet strands.
I squatted by the side of the pool so we could glare at each other at a closer proximity.
“The next four months are going to be awful if this is the way you act,” I said. “Can’t things just go back to normal?”
“Normal?” he demanded incredulously. “What’s normal to you?”
“I don’t know!” I waved my hand. “Us talking? Eating together? Not being pissed off and ragey?”
A shadow crossed Gavin’s face, and his brows puckered. He swept a hand through his hair again. “I’m not pissed at you. I’m really not.”
“Then why have you avoided me all morning?”
“Because it’s easier that way,” he growled. “It’s easier if we’re not in each other’s faces all the time. If there are no cameras for me to watch you or for you to use to find me. For the next four months, I’ll text you whatever I need you to do and—”
“This is bullshit,” I blurted. “Total fucking bullshit.”
Gavin gripped the edge of the pool. “It’s not bullshit. It’s the way I’d originally planned for this to be, and it’s the way it needs to be.”
“No, it doesn’t need to be that way. You’re just punishing me because of the way I left on Friday night. And for being friends with Case.”
“I am not!” Gavin slammed the tile with his hand. “It’s just like you said the other day. I’m your boss. You’re my assistant. We’re not anything else. We don’t need to act like we are. If we didn’t spend so much time together, none of that would have happened. And you know it.”
I did know it. And he was saying exactly what I needed to hear to put all of this to bed. My feelings for him, my desire for him, and the part of me that really felt like we’d become friends and had cherished that closeness. But instead of relief that we were on the same page, it was undeniable that we weren’t at all. The only thing I knew, at that moment, was that the idea of us not speaking anymore, not confiding in each other again, crushed my heart.
“It doesn’t have to be this way.”
“It does.” Gavin opened his mouth, closed it, and then swallowed hard. “Noah, until I can want you without it legally being classified as sexual harassment, I just need to stay the fuck away from you.”
“But if we stuck to our bou—”
“Forget boundaries!” His voice rose, booming through the empty property and echoing. “It’s not just about me touching you. I like you, goddamnit. I don’t just want to fuck you. I want you in my bed, with me at breakfast and dinner, watching football with me even if you don’t know the difference between a kicker and a punt—”
I kissed him.
And he jerked away so abruptly that I lost my balance and fell into the water.