They stayed for a bit, Dary sitting on my bed, Abbi in the computer chair. They talked about school and about Megan—about the songs played at her funeral. They talked about the charges that Keith’s parents could be facing and how he was handling it all. Dary did most of the talking.
I went through the motions, nodding and answering when I needed to, but I wasn’t there, not really. My head was a hundred miles away. It was close to dinner when they got up to leave and Dary hugged me goodbye.
Abbi hugged me just as carefully as Dary did. “I know you need some time, some space,” she said, pressing her forehead against the side of my head. Her voice was low enough so only I heard her. “I know this has been hard for you, but it’s also been hard for us. Don’t forget that. You need us right now.” Her voice cracked, and over her shoulder, I saw Dary bow her head. “We need you right now.”
*
I heard the knob turning and I looked over. A shadow was on the other side of the balcony doors. Putting the inhaler aside, my heart skipped a beat. The door opened, and Sebastian came in, closing the door behind him.
Sebastian was dressed for bed, wearing flannel bottoms and a white tank top. He looked good. He always looked good, but I almost didn’t want to acknowledge that. Like I shouldn’t be able to do that anymore.
Like I’d lost that right.
“I didn’t text you,” he said, walking over to the bed and sitting down. “I figured you wouldn’t answer it.”
“Then why did you come over?”
His lips kicked up at the corners. “You know why.”
I raised a brow. Before I could respond, he started moving. Turning sideways, he scooted up the bed and shifted onto his back. We were shoulder to shoulder. Hip to hip. The acute sense of awareness that always accompanied this kind of closeness was there. A shivery wave that rippled over my skin. It didn’t... It didn’t feel right. That aware feeling. Like I shouldn’t feel those things after what had happened. It wasn’t right.
“What are you doing?” I asked.
“Getting comfortable,” he replied, grinning at me. “I plan on being here awhile.”
My mouth dropped open. “Not sure if you realize this or not, but I tire out really easily right now. Supposed to be resting—”
“Do you remember when you were eleven and had mono?” he asked suddenly.
I frowned. Of course I remembered. The fever had been the worst part for me. I’d felt like my head was going to explode. I was pretty sure I’d caught it from Dary.
“Our parents wanted us to stay away from each other. Dad was afraid I’d catch it and I’d miss Little League practice.” He laughed quietly. “Anyway, you were upset because you were lonely and being all kinds of whiny about it—”
“I wasn’t being whiny,” I argued. “I was stuck in my bedroom by myself for days, and if I wasn’t sleeping, I was bored.”
“You were sick and you didn’t want to be alone.” He paused, waiting for me to look at him. “You wanted me.”
My brows lifted as heat hit my face. Was he on drugs? “I didn’t want you, per se. I just wanted someone—”
“You’ve always wanted me.” He cut me off, his gaze meeting mine. “Not just anyone, but me.”
Lips parting, I could only stare at him for several seconds. The night of the party came back. Us by the pool. Me thinking he was going to kiss me. Us arguing that night. And I thought about the Monday before that night, at the lake. I’d kissed him, but I hadn’t allowed myself to think about any of that, because it didn’t seem fair.
“So, you not wanting me here has nothing to do with you being tired. I know why you don’t. Or at least I think I understand part of it, and we’ll talk about the you-wanting-me part later,” he replied, loosely folding his arms across his chest. “But for right now, I want to know how things went with Abbi and Dary.”
We were going to talk about the me-wanting-him part later? That was a later I was going to make sure I wasn’t around to see.
“I’m not leaving.” He nudged my knee with his. “Get talking.”
After a few moments, I shifted my gaze to the TV. Deep down, I knew I could make him leave. If I told him I really didn’t want him here, he would go. He wouldn’t be happy about it, but he’d leave. But as I stared at the TV, I knew I didn’t want him to leave. I didn’t want to be alone. I wanted my friends.
I wanted him.
“It was good seeing them,” I admitted, voice hoarse. “How did you find out they were here? Were you watching the house?”
“Maybe.” He chuckled again. “No, they told me today at school that they were coming over and forcing their way in if necessary. They’ve really missed you, Lena. This past week has been really hard on them.”
“I know.”
He was quiet for only a moment. “Megan was their friend, too.”
Guilt was a snake twisting up my insides. “I know that, too.”
“I know you do, but something is going on in your head.”
Running my hand over the comforter, feeling like there was so much I wanted to say but didn’t know how to. “There’s a lot of stuff in my head right now.”
“Understandable,” he murmured. “There’s a lot going on in my head right now. It’s weird. Like I’ll wake up thinking about something Cody had said to me. Or some dumbass ignorant thing I said to him.”
I closed my eyes, feeling my throat burn.
“In class today, someone said something hilarious, and my first thought was I couldn’t wait to tell Phillip. That he’d get a kick out of the joke. Then I remembered I couldn’t tell him,” Sebastian said. “I walked into the lunchroom yesterday looking for you.”
I didn’t know what to say.
“I miss them, Lena.” His shoulder pressed lightly into mine. “I miss you.”
Opening my eyes, I let myself lean into him. “I’m here, though.”
“Are you really?”
I blinked. “Yeah.”
Sebastian was quiet for a long moment. “It’s good to talk about them, you know? At least that’s what the grief counselors have been saying.”
Talking about Megan and the guys hurt like a gunshot blast to the chest, so I couldn’t imagine how it felt good.
When I didn’t answer, he asked the same question Abbi had: “Do you remember the accident?”
I gave the same answer I’d given the girls. “Only bits and pieces.”
He nodded slowly. “Do you... Do you know why you left with them without coming to me?”
A sixth sense told me he wanted to talk to me about something...about something I’d been super avoiding. I wasn’t sure how to answer that question. The reasoning now seemed so stupid. So incredibly dumb. But I was tired of saying “I don’t know” and exhausted with telling half truths and lies. “You were with Skylar and I...I just didn’t want to bother you.” When I peeked over at him, he was looking at me like he had no idea what I was talking about. “I didn’t see you after she showed up. I didn’t want to come looking for you. I figured you guys wanted...private time or something.”
An emotion I couldn’t quite decipher flickered on his face, and he turned his head. A muscle along his jaw flexed. “Hell,” he muttered, thrusting his fingers through his hair. His fingers scrunched. “I don’t know why you think Skylar and I needed private time, but I would’ve appreciated the interruption. I thought you were just having fun.”