“Oh God,” I said, rocking gently. “Sorry, sorry. I’m so sorry.”
“What are you?” he said, stepping back. I couldn’t look up at him. I stared at the cracks in the sidewalk and slowly shook my head.
“I don’t know,” I said. “I don’t know.”
“Well, whatever you are, never come near me again,” he said as he threw my diary on the ground between us and walked away.
20
Virginia was late.
I sat at the bar in the Sartoris Diner and read Absalom, Absalom! for class, trying to figure out which character disgusted me the most. The waitress refilled my Diet Coke and I checked my texts for the dozenth time since Virginia had contacted me an hour before, saying she was going to be near Lambertville and that she wanted to see me.
Where are you? I typed.
Pulling in now, she responded. Sorry, GPS isn’t much use in the boonies.
I turned and saw her banged-up Bronco pulling up. The door chimed as she came in. I ran over and wrapped my arms around her before it had time to close.
“Easy, girl!” she said, laughing and halfheartedly trying to push me away. “Jesus, how starved for company are you?”
“It’s not that,” I said, retreating a step and bouncing on my toes. “I just missed you!”
“Same, kid,” she said, giving me a crooked smile as we settled in at the bar. “We’ve all been worried sick about you.”
“How is everybody?” I asked. The waitress came by. I ordered a waffle and Virginia ordered a plate of hash browns.
“Same old bullshit,” Virginia said, rolling her eyes as she took a sip of water, “or so I hear. I’ve been in Knoxville almost as long as you’ve been here.”
“Why?”
“Tinder hookup at first,” she said. I looked away and she laughed. “Still a prude! Anyway, it turned out he was one of the, like, five guys on the planet who’s willing to date trans women without being a creep about it.” My heart raced suddenly and I glanced at the waitress and cook to see if they’d heard her. The cook was scraping gunk off the grill and the waitress was cutting up lemons. “What’s up?” Virginia said, giving me a small wave.
“Nothing,” I said, turning my attention to my waffle even though my appetite had disappeared.
“I’ve known your neurotic ass long enough to know when something’s up,” she said.
“It’s just,” I began, then halted and took a deep breath. I felt like the worst friend ever, but she had insisted. “It’s just that I’m trying to be stealth.”
“Ah,” Virginia said. She squirted hot sauce on her hash browns and shrugged, though her expression was hard to read. “I get it. I won’t use the T word again.”
“Okay,” I said, forcing myself to smile. “Thanks.”
“Don’t mention it,” she said. “So anyway, he was cool but things didn’t work out.”
“Why not?” I said, straightening my back and facing her again.
“He said he could deal with me being … the way I am, but that he wanted a family one day and, since I couldn’t provide that, it felt like we were going nowhere.”
“Ouch,” I said, my stomach churning as I imagined a grown-up Grant saying the same thing to me.
“Whatever,” Virginia said. “It is what it is. How are things with your guy?”
“Good,” I said, rubbing my arm. “We kind of had our first fight, but we got over it, and things have been great ever since.”
“Aww,” she said.
I looked up at her and took a deep breath. “Do you think I should tell him?”
“Hell no!” she said, arching an eyebrow and leaning away from me. “Why would you do that?”
“I don’t know,” I said, scrunching my nose and sighing. “I feel like maybe he should know who I am…”
“You don’t owe it to him if that’s what you’re thinking,” she said. “You’re a girl, you’ve always been a girl, you won the genetic lottery when it comes to passing, and he’ll never ever have to know unless he sees your birth certificate for some reason.”
“Or wants to get married or start a family,” I said, jabbing my straw at the ice clattering in my now-empty cup. “But that’s not why.”
“First of all, you’re only eighteen,” Virginia said, her cheek full of fried potatoes. She poked her fork at me for emphasis. “You’re supposed to be having real fun for the first time in your life, not dreaming of settling down with Mr. Right.”
“Whatever!” I said, flipping my hair and sticking my tongue out at her. “I like him a lot … I think I might love him.” I chose to ignore Virginia rolling her eyes. “And it obviously isn’t everything, but being … being the way I am has been a huge part of my life. It’s easy to act like my past never happened, but it feels like I’ve put up this wall around my heart.”