“Oh,” he said. “You were serious.” He tore a strip of bacon in half and popped it in his mouth. “Sorry, it’s just I can’t imagine you sitting in with a bunch of holy rollers.”
“My friend Anna invited me. Why can’t you see me there?” I asked, though of course I knew why. I still believed in God, and for a long time my faith had been the only thing keeping me afloat. But I could never forget the day Mom had come home from seeing our pastor, red in her eyes from weeping and rage. I asked her what was wrong and heard a stream of curses, so strange in her normally sweet little voice, as she told me he’d had some suggestions: that I should be sent to a camp to fix me, that I should spend more time with a male role model, that I should maybe take some time away from the congregation until I found a way to fit in. We never went to church after that, though I did continue to pray.
“The text’s pretty hostile to people like you,” Dad finally replied, chewing slowly.
“But they don’t have to know everything about me, do they?”
“Just be careful,” he said. “This ain’t Atlanta, and it ain’t the suburbs. People around here seem nice, but you gotta be careful with who you trust.”
“I know,” I said flatly, feeling the scar above my ear. My phone buzzed and Anna’s name appeared above a message: we r outside
“My ride’s here. I gotta go.”
“Really, though,” Dad said. I turned as I was heading out the door and saw both bloodshot eyes open, a look of concern in his face. “Really. Please be careful.”
I took a deep breath and nodded, feeling a sudden, shaking wave of anxiety. “I know, Dad,” I said. “I will. Bye.”
I hurried downstairs, where the same van Anna had driven a few days ago stood parked outside the breezeway. I took a minute to actually read the bumper stickers this time, out of morbid curiosity: JESUS WAS A CONSERVATIVE, one read, and RIGHTS COME FROM GOD NOT GOVERNMENT; ILLEGAL ALIENS! EXACTLY WHICH PART DID YOU NOT UNDERSTAND? and I CAN’T HELP THAT I’M HOMOPHOBIC … I WAS BORN THAT WAY! I stood in place and swallowed, my mouth suddenly dry. The side door slid open and Anna leaned out, smiling.
“Whatcha waitin’ for?” she said. “Hop on in.” A small copy of Anna with freckles and missing teeth leaned into view and waved excitedly.
I forced a smile as I climbed in the backseat, between a pair of short blond boys in matching white short-sleeve dress shirts. Their legs were both spread so far that their knees met in the middle and neither seemed interested in moving, leaving me to clamber awkwardly over them and squeeze myself in the space left over. Something touched my butt during the maneuver. I made myself assume it was an accident.
A rail-thin woman with blond hair sprayed into an updo that defied physics turned and beamed at me from the passenger seat.
“Anna, hon,” she said without breaking her perfect smile, “you’re being rude. Introduce me to your friend.”
“Oh!” Anna said, practically jumping out of her seat. I wondered again why she was acting so strangely. “Uh, Mom, this is my friend Amanda. Amanda, that’s my mom—”
“Call me Lorraine,” she bubbled, her smile still statue-perfect.
“And that’s my dad.”
A brick of a man grunted and gave me a brief, grudging glance in the rearview mirror.
“This is my sister Judith,” Anna said. Her sister turned and flashed me that same adorable smile and chirped, “I’m in fifth grade!” I stifled a laugh and agreed that that was very impressive. Lorraine’s smile faltered a little as she snapped to get Judith’s attention.
“Sit down and cross your legs!” Lorraine said. Judith immediately did as she was told. There was a moment of awkward silence before Anna continued. I wondered if they could see their sons’ postures in the backseat.
“And, uh, these are my brothers Simon and Matthew,” Anna continued. One was a little taller than the other, and the shorter one had braces and slightly darker hair, but otherwise they could have been twins. The shorter one grunted like his dad when Anna said their names but kept his gaze locked on the window. The other just played with his phone and acted like he hadn’t heard.
“Hi,” I said, making myself smile pleasantly at the one who had at least bothered to grunt. He turned and made brief eye contact before dropping his eyes to my chest.
“Nice dress,” he said. I started to thank him, but then he followed with, “It makes you look like a grandma.”
“Don’t be a jerk to my friend, Simon!” Anna said, turning to glare at her brother.
“Watch that tone, young lady!” Lorraine said. Anna’s cheeks burned red. She gave me an apologetic look and turned back around. Simon sniffed once and turned back to his phone.
“You girls have a nice time last night?” their dad said. Anna inhaled sharply and her shoulders tightened up. I looked from her back to the rearview mirror and found her dad staring pointedly at me between glances to the road.
“Yeah,” I said. “We had a lot of fun.”