The flexibility of the brain also means that, in response to all this deep and intense stuff that results from being committed to someone, it adapts to expect it. Our partners become integrated into our long-term plans, goals and ambitions, our predictions and schemas, our general way of thinking about the world. They are, in every sense, a big part of our life.
And then it ends. Maybe one partner wasn’t being faithful; maybe there’s just not enough compatibility; perhaps one partner’s behavior drove the other away. (Studies have shown that people with more anxious tendencies tend to exaggerate and amplify relationship conflicts, possibly to breaking point.22)
Consider everything the brain invests in sustaining a relationship, all the changes it undergoes, all the value it places on being in one, all the long-term plans it makes, all the familiar routines it grows to expect. If you remove all this in one fell swoop, the brain is going to be seriously negatively affected by it.
All the positive sensations it has grown to expect suddenly cease. Our plans for the future and expectations of the world are suddenly no longer valid, which is incredibly distressing for an organ that, as we’ve seen repeatedly, doesn’t deal with uncertainty and ambiguity well at all. (Chapter 8 goes into all of this in more detail.) And there is copious practical uncertainty to deal with if it was a long-term relationship. Where will you live? Will you lose your friends? What about the financial concerns?
The social element is also quite damaging, considering how much we value our social acceptance and standing. Having to explain to all your friends and family that you “failed” at a relationship is bad enough, but consider the break-up itself; someone who knows you better than anyone, at the most intimate level, has deemed you unacceptable. This is a real kick in the social identity. This is where it hurts.
That’s a literal comment by the way; studies have shown that a relationship break-up activates the same brain regions that process physical pain.23 There have been numerous examples throughout this book of the brain processing social concerns in the same way as genuine physical concerns (for example, social fears being just as unnerving as actual physical danger), and this is no different. They say “love hurts,” and, yes, yes it does. Acetaminophen is even sometimes effective for “heartache.”
Add to this that you have countless memories of that person that were formerly happy but that are now linked with something very negative. This undermines a big part of your sense of self. And, on top of that, the earlier observation that being in love is like a drug comes back to haunt you; you’re used to experiencing something constantly rewarding, and suddenly it’s taken away. In Chapter 8, we’ll see how addiction and withdrawal can be very disruptive and damaging to the brain, and a not dissimilar process is happening here when we experience a sudden break-up with a long-term partner.24
This isn’t to say the brain doesn’t have the ability to deal with a break-up. It can put everything back together eventually, even if it’s a slow process. Some experiments showed that specifically focusing on the positive outcomes of a break-up can cause more rapid recovery and growth,25 as alluded to earlier in the brain’s bias for preferring to remember “good” things. And, just sometimes, science and clichés match up, and things really do get better with time.26
But overall, the brain dedicates so much to establishing and sustaining a relationship that it suffers, as do we, when it all comes crashing down. “Breaking up is hard to do” is an understatement.
People power
(How the brain reacts to being part of a group)
What exactly is a “friend”? It’s a question that makes you seem a rather tragic individual if asked aloud. A friend is essentially someone with whom you share a personal bond (that isn’t familial or romantic). However, it’s more complicated because people have many different categories of friends; work friends, school friends, old friends, acquaintances, friends you don’t really like but have known too long to get rid of, and so on. The Internet also now allows “online” friends, as people can form meaningful relationships with like-minded strangers across the planet.
It’s lucky we have powerful brains, capable of handling all these different relationships. Actually, according to some scientists, this isn’t just a convenient coincidence; we may have big powerful brains because we formed complicated social relationships.
This is the social brain hypothesis, which argues that complex human brains are a result of human friendliness.27 Many species form large groups, but this doesn’t equal intelligence. Sheep form flocks, but their existence seems to be largely dedicated to eating grass and general fleeing. You don’t need smarts for that.
Hunting in packs requires more intelligence as it involves coordinated behaviors, so pack hunters such as wolves tend to be smarter than docile-but-numerous prey. Early human communities were substantially more complex again. Some humans hunt, while others stay and look after the young and sick, protect the homestead, forage for food, make tools and so on. This cooperation and division of labor provides a safer environment all round, so the species survives and thrives.
This arrangement requires humans to care about others who are not biologically linked to them. It goes beyond simple “protect our genes” instincts. Thus, we form friendships, meaning we care about the well-being of others even though our only biological connection is that we’re the same species (and “man’s best friend” shows even this isn’t essential).
Coordinating all the social relationships required for community life demands a great deal of information processing. If pack hunters are playing tic-tac-toe, human communities are engaged in ongoing chess tournaments. Consequently, powerful brains are needed.
Human evolution is difficult to study directly, unless you have several hundred thousand years to spare and lots of patience, so it’s hard to determine the accuracy of the social-brain hypothesis. A 2013 Oxford University study claimed to have demonstrated it via sophisticated computer models that showed social relationships do in fact require more processing (and therefore brain) power.28 Interesting, but not conclusive; how do you model friendship on a computer? Humans have a strong tendency to form groups and relationships, and concern for others. Even now, a complete lack of concern or compassion is considered abnormal (psychopathy).