Nice things, such as receiving praise, also produce a neurological reaction via the release of oxytocin, which makes us experience pleasure, but in a less potent and more fleeting manner. The chemistry of oxytocin means it’s removed from the bloodstream in about five minutes; cortisol, by contrast, can linger for over an hour, maybe even two, so its effects are far more persistent.36 The fleeting nature of pleasure signals may seem a bit of a harsh move by nature, but when things cause us intense pleasure for long periods they tend to be quite incapacitating, as we’ll see later.
However, it’s easy but misleading to attribute everything that goes on in the brain to the actions of specific chemicals, and this is something that more “mainstream” neuroscience reports do often. Let’s look at some other possible explanations for this emphasis of criticism.
Novelty may also play a role. Despite what online comment sections might suggest, most people (with some cultural variations, admittedly) interact with others in a respectful manner due to social norms and etiquette; shouting abuse at someone in the street is not something that respectable people do, unless it’s directed at parking enforcement officers, who are apparently exempt from this rule. Consideration and low-level praise are the norm, like saying thank you to the cashier for handing you your change even though it’s your money and they’ve no right to keep it. When something becomes the norm, our novelty-preferring brains start to filter it out more often via the process of habituation.37 Something happens all the time, so why waste precious mental resources focusing on it when it’s safe to ignore?
Mild praise is the standard, so criticism is going to have more impact purely because it’s atypical. The single disproving face in a laughing audience is going to stand out more because it’s so different. Our visual and attention systems have developed to focus on novelty, difference and “threat,” all of which are technically embodied by the grumpy-looking person. Similarly, if we’re used to hearing “well done” and “good job” as meaningless platitudes, then someone saying, “You were crap!” is going to be all the more jarring because it doesn’t happen as often. And we will dwell on an unpleasant experience all the more to figure out why it happened, so we can avoid it next time.
Chapter 2 discussed the fact that the workings of the brain tend to make us all somewhat egotistical, with a tendency to interpret events and remember things in such a way as to give us a better self-image. If this is our default state, praise is just telling us what we already “know,” whereas direct criticism is harder to misinterpret and a shock to the system.
If you put yourself “out there” in some form, via a performance, created material or just an opinion you think is worthy of sharing, you are essentially saying, “I think you will like this”; you’re visibly seeking people’s approval. Unless you’re alarmingly confident then there’s always an element of doubt and awareness of the possibility that you are wrong. In this instance you are sensitive to the risk of rejection, primed to look for any signs of disapproval or criticism, especially if it’s regarding something that you take great pride in or that required a lot of time and effort. When you’re primed to look for something you’re worried about, you’re more likely to find it. Just as a hypochondriac is always able to find himself showing worrying symptoms for rare diseases. This process is called confirmation bias—we seize on what we’re looking for and ignore anything that doesn’t match up to it.38
Our brains can really make judgements based only on what we know, and what we know is based on our own conclusions and experiences, so we tend to judge people’s actions based on what we do. So if we’re polite and complimentary just because social norms say we should be, then surely everyone else does the same? As a result, every item of praise you receive can be somewhat dubious as to whether it’s genuine or not. But if someone criticizes you, not only were you bad, you were so bad that someone was willing to go against social norms to point it out. And thus, once again, criticism carries more weight than praise.
The brain’s elaborate system for identifying and responding to potential threats may well have enabled humankind to survive the long periods in the wilderness and become the sophisticated, civilized species we are today, but it’s not without drawbacks. Our complex intellects allow us not only to identify threats but to anticipate and imagine them too. There are many ways to threaten or frighten a human, which leads to the brain responding neurologically, psychologically or sociologically.
This process can, depressingly, cause vulnerabilities that other humans are able to take advantage of, resulting in actual threats, in a sense. You may be familiar with “negging,” a tactic used by pick-up artists where they approach women and say something that sounds like a compliment but is actually meant to criticize and insult. If a man approached a woman and said the title of this section, that would be negging. Or he might say something like, “I like your hair—most women with your face wouldn’t risk a style like that,” or, “I normally don’t like girls as short as you, but you seem cool,” or, “That outfit will look great once you lose some weight,” or, “I’ve no clue how to speak to women because I’ve only ever seen them through binoculars so I’m going to use cheap psychological trickery on you in the hope that I will do enough damage to your self-confidence that you are willing to sleep with me.” That last one isn’t a typical negging line, admittedly, but in truth it’s what they’re all saying.
It doesn’t need to be this sinister, though. We probably all know the type of person who, when someone has done something to be proud of, will immediately jump in to point out the bits they did wrong. Because why go to the effort of achieving something yourself when you can just bring others down to make yourself feel better?
It’s a cruel irony that in looking for threats so diligently, the brain ends up actually creating them.