When I first met Vera at her office, she was wearing a T-shirt with a wolf airbrushed on it. So. This probably goes without saying, but that’s really all I needed in order to hire her on the spot.
Vera was the first therapist I had ever met who taught me about neurochemicals and helped me understand my brain on a biological level. She’s very solution-oriented, whereas the therapists before her all seemed just fine talking about the problem ad nauseam. Instead of listening to me blather on about my delusions and further embed my negative thinking, Vera put me to work by starting EMDR (eye movement desensitization reprocessing), hypnosis, and giving me books to read about addiction and neurology. She was the first person who seemed to really want me to get better. I became the second.
I obviously had a lot of neural rewiring to do, which would take some time, but right off the bat she noticed that my picker was very off when it came to men. According to Harville Hendrix, we tend to be attracted to people with the negative qualities of our primary caretakers, and I was no exception. Although changing who you’re attracted to takes a while, in the meantime Vera at least helped me stop the bleeding. She started by trying to keep me out of another draining relationship by giving me a psychology test created by Carl Jung. It’s very simple, yet mysteriously profound. It’s a couple of questions that can give insight into someone’s psyche and values without having to ask them directly. Unfortunately, it’s not socially acceptable to ask someone on the first date, “So are you a sex addict? It would be great if you could just let me know now before my brain starts producing oxytocin, which will make me all chemically attached to you, thanks!” Vera told me I’m required to perform these tests on the first and second dates with guys to find out who someone really is before I’m in too deep and putting some guy’s name on my car insurance even though he has two DUIs.
On a date, ask the server for a piece of paper and a pen. If you don’t have a server because you’re at home watching Netflix for the first date, immediately leave the house and go to a public place because that is way too casual for a first date, ya nut. Also, do not bring your own piece of paper because that will make you look very crazy for being so prepared. You should play this game only if you’re feeling safe and have clean motives; it should be spontaneous and fun. Your date should not feel like he or she is being interrogated by Tommy Lee Jones in a movie from the nineties, and you should not look like you’re an insurance adjuster with a clipboard in your hand, investigating mold.
Once you find something to write on, give it to your date and have them write down their answers, which you should not see. Since this game illuminates a lot about the subconscious, how about you play the game first? Yeah, now. It’s never too early to find out who you are so you can either fix it, celebrate it, or get a head start on being in denial about it.
Here goes: Write down your favorite animal. Don’t just pick an animal you think is cute or funny. Really think about it. Pick an animal you admire. Also, it can’t be an animal you know, such as your cat or the lizard from your childhood who was dead for a week before you noticed. When I first played this game, I chose a dog, but when I stopped texting and really focused on the question with my full attention, I ended up choosing a honey badger. This is one instance where I’m going to tell you not to trust your gut. Instead, overthink it a little. Once you choose your animal, write three reasons that you chose it in adjective form. This was what my quiz looked like:
FAVORITE ANIMAL: HONEY BADGER
—SCRAPPY
—FEARLESS
—DON’T GIVE A SHIT
Next choose your favorite article of clothing. It can be anything from a hoodie to a ball gown to a Windbreaker. Or it can be a leotard or your favorite tube top if you get down like that. Then write three adjectives to describe that article of clothing. Mine was:
ARTICLE OF CLOTHING: HOODIE
—VERSATILE
—COMFORTABLE
—WARM
Next up, choose your favorite body of water. It could be a river, an ocean, a glass of water, any iteration of H2O. I once went white-water rafting on the New River in Virginia. It was a terrible experience and I am very confused about why people go white-water rafting when Mother Nature has proven over and over again that she gives zero craps if we live or die, but I do remember being in awe of the river. There was just something so amazing to me about its being so beautiful, but also able to kill you at any moment, a concept very sexy to me during the time in my life where I instantly became smitten with anything that was both attractive and treated me terribly.
BODY OF WATER: THE NEW RIVER
—SOMETIMES ROUGH, SOMETIMES CALM
—FUN
—UNPREDICTABLE
The last element isn’t listing a favorite thing, it’s more about your instinctive reaction to an imaginary situation. So imagine you’re in a white room with no windows or doors. List three emotions that you’d feel. Mine were:
WHITE ROOM
—SURRENDER
—CALM
—RELIEF
Now comes the fun part! Now that you’ve written down all your answers, you can get to finding out who you really are, not who you pretend to be! If you’re doing the quiz with others, ask them for their answers first before telling them what the answers mean for maximum insight and LOLs. Here goes. Your favorite animal apparently represents how you see yourself. So according to my quiz I see myself as a honey badger: fearless, scrappy, not giving a shit. This metaphor really held up when I also discovered that honey badgers are eager to pick fights even when they aren’t hungry, their teeth can break the shell of a tortoise, and they’ll eat literally anything. I mean, that’s kind of me in a nutshell, which I would of course also eat. That said, if your date puts down honey badger as his or her favorite animal, I strongly suggest you leave immediately and fake your death. Animals that reflect well on a person: elephant, whale, lion, monkey. Animals that could be red flags: shark, snake, crocodile, recluse spider—okay, you get it.
I have a friend who did this quiz with a girl he was dating and the animal she chose was a leech. He assumed she was joking and laughed it off, but months later he found out she was gold-digging numerous guys at once. I highly recommend that when people tell you who they are, do yourself a favor and go ahead and believe them.