So how did I stop focusing on what other people wanted and figure out what I wanted? I got to work with Vera. You already know she wears shirts with wolves on them, but her personality is just as awesome as her clothes. Vera is the epitome of self-actualized. She knows exactly who she is, a person who upholstered the chairs in her office with fabric that has tigers on it, which elevates her to luminary status. Since she does her own damn thing, I knew I could trust her with helping me figure out what my damn thing was. Vera realized I had never been specific about what I wanted in a partner, so she had me make three lists so I could get focused and stop letting codependence be my matchmaker. Read closely because you’re about to make one, too, cutie.
She had me draw three columns and head them with MUSTS, WOULD BE COOL, and RED FLAGS. The musts are things you absolutely need from a mate—for example, wants kids, doesn’t want kids, or has a credit score above 5. The traits that “would be cool” are nice but not essential—for example, plays tennis, is taller than you, hasn’t been married, has a Pez dispenser collection, etc. And the last column contains the “deal breakers.” I know for some of us red flags are actually an aphrodisiac, but that had to change for me so I didn’t end up a bag of battered bones on the side of a mountain. Here are some examples of red flags in case you’re as confused about them as I was: cups his screen with his hand when he texts, always has a just-cleared browser history, or has two cell phones. If you’re a guy, some red flags for girls could include being engaged, sending private Snapchat photos, and being a fan of my stand-up.
I wanted to include my list so you could see how specific you should be when you make yours. And now that you have my list, I’m asking you to hold me accountable! If you ever see me with a guy who does crystal meth and hates dogs, I give you permission to throw trash at me in public. Unfollow me on Twitter, leave an old-lady emoticon as a comment under an Instagram selfie—whatever you think will hurt me the most.
You can also make a list like this to manifest friends, jobs, or anything you want in your future. Many of us have been conditioned to chase unavailable people, settle for bad relationships, and stay in uncomfortable situations, so you should all use this as a guideline. You don’t go to the grocery store without a list of what you want to get, so don’t go out in the world without an idea of what you want from your life.
Today I still have codependent impulses and thoughts, but I rarely act on them. After doing a lot of work trying to rewire my brain and update the old software concerning what I thought was true, now when someone asks me what kind of takeout I want, I actually know the answer. If someone wants to set me up with a guy I’m not interested in, I don’t go out of obligation. And when I do say no, I don’t apologize ten times or make excuses because that’s boring for everyone. If I change my mind later, I replay in my head one of my favorite sayings from Derek Sivers, entrepreneur and all around badass: “If it’s not a hell yes, it’s a no.”
Since saying no can still be challenging for me, especially if I haven’t eaten, I have some stock answers so I don’t end up giving in, because when I do that, I usually end up at Build-A-Bear for a birthday party of some kid I hardly know. Some of my go-to’s include “I need a couple of days to think about it” and “Can we circle back tomorrow?” If I know I can’t do something, I’ll say “I’m overcommitted at the moment and can’t take on any more plans for a couple months. I’ll reach out when my schedule clears up.” Or if I downright don’t want to do something, I say, “Thank you for thinking of me, but that’s not really my speed. Let me know if you want to schedule something else, like an easy dinner.” If you’re codependent, it may sound like a nightmare to say this to people, but I promise that if you do, not one person will catch on fire. Almost everyone is grateful for honesty and directness, and the people who aren’t? Well, that’s why we have the option to “block this caller” on our phones.
I take a lot of pride in the fact that people can trust me now. They can trust that when I’m with them, I really want to be there, and that I don’t do anything I don’t want to do. I’m so grateful that because I give off an authentic vibe, I now attract people on a similar frequency who create that same safe space for me so I’m not consumed by self-doubt or insecurity about how they really feel about me. Today my relationships aren’t laced with guilt or fear. These days I do only 50 percent in my relationships, whereas it used to be if someone gave me 20 percent, I’d overcompensate by giving back 80. If you feel yourself doing more than half your share in a relationship, maybe try pulling back and investing that time in more useful things, like stretching and creating dog memes.
I occasionally still feel my default wiring kicking in, telling me to mirror the people around me and give more energy than I have, but I can usually course-correct before I end up injured, engaged to a narcissist, or imprisoned in South America.
People tend to describe me as a “strong woman.” I personally feel that phrase is redundant. All women are inherently strong. We regularly endure a screaming nine-pound mammal tearing through our bodies and live to post about it. I heard once that childbirth is apparently the pain equivalent of getting twenty bones fractured at once, so I think we can officially end the debate about whether women are strong or not.
Another reason I prefer to reject the term strong is because on some level it signifies enduring pain, whereas after a long reparenting process, I now view being strong as having enough self-respect and foresight to avoid pain. I now redefine strong as being brave and vulnerable enough to ask for help, whether it’s from a doctor, a therapist, or from trusty Siri.
Today if someone calls me strong, it almost feels like an insult. It usually means I’ve fallen back into putting the needs of others before my own or am overworking myself. In my opinion, our society is plagued by an epidemic of self-sacrifice and self-deprivation. We’ve become a culture of martyrs; we glorify busy and almost seem to celebrate exhaustion. In our workplaces, employees compete over who slept the least, who needs the most coffee, who worked the latest, who has the most packed schedule. There’s obviously some other psychological phenomenon at play here because people who are truly that busy don’t have time to blather on about how busy they are.
My point is, maybe I’m not strong. Maybe I’m fragile and vulnerable and terrible at snowboarding, and maybe that’s just fine.
THE ROAST JOKE CHAPTER