I say this because I went online shopping for bathing suits, which taught me many new things about the world of fashion.
Before I begin, let me explain why I was shopping online for bathing suits instead of going to a store.
Exactly.
That requires no explanation.
There is nothing that will kill your soul faster than going into an actual fitting room and trying on bathing suits in the horrible fluorescent lighting, hoping that the store surveillance system does not include some unlucky schmo whose job it is to watch you squeeze your cellulite into what is allegedly a medium.
Enough said.
Plus I don’t care what the bathing suit looks like. I know my size, the aforementioned medium, and all I want is a simple two-piece bathing suit so I can doggie-paddle around in my pool. And yes, I wear a two-piece because it’s fun to run around half-naked, especially if your only audience is four Cavalier King Charles spaniels and a handicapped corgi.
I doggie-paddle with doggies.
Anyway, my old bathing suit was looking crappy, so I decided to get a new bathing suit and went online shopping. I clicked around, found some decent two-piece suits, added them to my online shopping cart, then went to check out. But when I double-checked the order, I found that I had ordered bathing-suit tops, but no bottoms.
What?
I went back to the webpage, where I realized that nowadays, bathing-suit tops are sold without bottoms.
Why?
I had just assumed that a bathing suit included a top and a bottom.
Because I’m normal.
Who buys a top without a bottom?
My first thought was, people are having way too much fun in summer.
Then I realized that it was probably because people wanted to get different sizes for different body parts, and I guess that’s progress, but then the website didn’t even suggest which bottom went with which top. In fact, under each bathing-suit top, there was the standard shopping suggestion, IF YOU LIKE THIS, YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE, but the suggestions were for cover-ups, not for the correct bottom to the top.
Which left me completely confused.
Normally I’m a sucker for IF YOU LIKE THIS, YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE, not to mention PEOPLE WHO LIKE THIS ALSO BOUGHT, but perhaps I’m putting too much faith in PEOPLE.
Anyway, to make a long story short, it turned out there was a whole separate section on the website for bathing-suit bottoms, and I spent the next hour trying to find a bottom for the top, whether it matched or not, which is another new thing.
In the olden days, the top of the bathing suit matched the bottom.
But no longer.
All this progress.
Now we get to design our own bathing suits.
What happened to keep it simple, stupid?
And oddly, none of the bottoms that remotely matched was in stock—though all of the tops were, which I cannot begin to understand or explain.
Who’s buying more bottoms than tops?
Whatever the reason, it made shopping for bottoms a pain in the bottom.
(I kept that joke clean for you.) And it also proved that shopping for bathing suits online could be just as soul-killing as shopping in an actual store.
A bricks-and-mortar store.
Because evidently, bricks-and-mortar goes together more certainly than top-and-bottom.
To stay on point, when the bathing suits arrived, each of them had cutlets in the tops, which I removed instantly, on principle.
If I wanted a push-up bra, I would’ve ordered one.
I mean, what’s the point?
Do I have to look busty for my dogs?
(By the way, Busty is a great word and a great dog name, which never happens.) Or are we supposed to hide our nipples?
World, we have nipples.
Deal with it.
I thought it was ironic that tops came with cutlets but not with bottoms.
Maybe the idea was that you wear the cutlets as a bottom?
Tape two together, front and back.
Like a fig leaf made of Lycra.
Anyway, I’m not a cutlet fan.
Cutlets are not just for dinner anymore.
Can’t a woman catch a break?
Isn’t there any time we don’t have to worry about what we look like?
I say the time is now.
Every woman deserves to relax, especially in July, floating around half-naked in front of dogs or people.
That’s the very definition of summer.
Ladies, throw away your cutlets.
Don’t let anybody push you around.
Or up.
Beach Bums
Francesca
People-watching on the beach is a time-honored tradition. Looking at the ocean is our communal alibi, sunglasses are the universal disguise, but we all know what we’re up to. But despite the smorgasbord of humanity that parades past, there are certain beach bums who show up in one form or another every time. See if you’ve ever run into one of these characters, or if you happen to be reading this on the beach, let’s play a little game of I Spy …
The DJ. This is the person who thinks they’re doing you a favor by pumping their crappy music through crappier plastic speakers. Because why would you want to enjoy the sounds of the waves or children laughing when you can listen to Top 40 music from two seasons ago remixed to the speed of a jump-rope workout? Do not attempt to engage the DJ by politely requesting they turn it down—these people are overgrown teenagers, any attempt to educate them will only inspire defiance. The only recourse is to give them a withering gaze over your sunglasses as you gather your things to find a new towel spot.
The Wipeout Artist. This person is an ER visit waiting to happen. A frat bro doing backflips into shallow water. A teenage girl practicing wobbly round-offs on packed sand. A kid venturing into rough surf with a boogie board twice his size. Whatever they’re doing, it looks like a bad idea. You watch with a mixture of motherly concern and schadenfreude.
The Smoker. Smokers, I get it. We’ve precluded you from smoking in all your favorite places, restaurants, bars, airports. I’ll anticipate your argument: nobody owns the beach! Who are we, holier-than-thou nonsmokers to say you can’t enjoy a few puffs as we all pee in the ocean? You have a point. But the charm of a day at the beach is the natural beauty and the fresh sea air. And it’s a bummer when you see a little kid making a sandcastle with a Marlboro chimney.