Her body seemed to stiffen with my explanation. I only hoped I hadn’t made her uncomfortable—either by calling her my wife to someone else, or for telling her how her brother had been the one to start it. But for some reason, talking to someone else and calling her my wife did something to me, something I couldn’t explain. My chest felt bigger and my heartbeats felt stronger.
Although, admitting that felt like jumping out of an airplane without a parachute—absolutely frightening. Which boggled my mind considering I wasn’t much of a fearful person. Once I made up my mind I wanted something, I went after it. For all things except Janelle. And the only reason to explain that was our history and connection to one another. We had been close friends once, and I believed we had made it back to that place in each other’s lives.
The last time our friendship had been taken to another level, we spent five years not talking. I wasn’t willing to chance that again. Not to mention, if things between us didn’t work out, it would only make everything harder. Losing someone you care about because of a breakup is always difficult, no matter what the reason. But losing an entire family and possibly a business partner and best friend is far worse. It’s unfathomable. And a risk I adamantly refused to take.
Breaking me from my thoughts, she sighed and stilled her hand. “I can’t believe I’ve slept in the same bed with you twice, yet can’t remember either time. Not to mention, you’re starting to give me a complex. I’ve woken up both times alone.”
“If it makes you feel any better, there was nothing about last night worth remembering.”
Her fingers began to move across my skin again, but this time, it wasn’t mindlessly. I could sense her hesitation by the way she circled them in the same spot, as if mentally preparing herself to say something. Finally, I gave in, unable to handle her inner torture any longer.
“Whatever you have on your mind, Janelle…just say it.”
“Did you wear a condom?” She must’ve sensed my body turn rigid, because she pressed her palm against the center of my chest, right over my racing heart, and rephrased her question. “In Vegas, did you wear a condom?”
I tightened my arm around her, not hard, but enough to hide how much her question made me react. At least I hoped it was enough to hide it. I took a moment and attempted to control my breathing in order to slow my heart rate. I had no idea how to answer, and had I known this would’ve been her question, I never would’ve prodded her to speak up. But I did prod and she did ask, so the only thing left to do was answer. And I had to be truthful. “Um…the first time, yes.”
“But not the other times?”
It was such a simple question, one that required a one-word answer. Yes or no. However, the problem was how she’d react to that one word. And in all honesty, the complete answer was far more than yes or no, because it required an explanation—one I wasn’t sure she’d be okay with.
“I think I have the right to know if we had unprotected sex.”
I tightened my arm around her briefly before loosening my hold and dropping my hand to rest against her lower back. “No…not the other times. Right before the second time, you told me you were okay. So I didn’t mention it again. I never asked you what you meant by being okay…I just assumed you were on the Pill or something.”
She shook her head against my chest and my heart quit beating. “I wasn’t. I mean, I’d gotten a prescription for it when I had planned on having sex with Justin, but after that fell through, I didn’t see the point in starting it. I didn’t actually start taking it until after Vegas.”
I was almost afraid to speak when I asked, “So you weren’t…okay?”
“Well, I mean, yeah. I didn’t get pregnant or anything. So I guess that means I was fine.” She craned her head back and leaned away slightly to peer at me. “My God, Holden. It could’ve been so bad. Babies aside, what about diseases? I understand we were both drunk, and there really isn’t any reason to be upset knowing the outcome was fine, but that shouldn’t be an excuse.”
I brought my other hand up to capture her face, force her to keep her head back and eyes on me. I needed her full attention when I told her this. “That was the only time I’ve ever had sex without a condom. Even to this day, you’re the only person I’ve ever had unprotected sex with. Pill or not, I’ve never gone bareback with anyone but you.”
When her body relaxed, muscles loosening, I released her face and let her curl into my side once more. As soon as I had her settled against me, I rested my cheek against the top of her head and whispered, “And trust me, you were a virgin. You certainly didn’t lie about that.”
“If you had been sober that night, would you have still slept with me?”
I tried my best to mentally go back there, but in an alternate universe in order to give her the most honest answer. But no matter what, hypotheticals were always impossible, because what you think you might do, isn’t always what you would do in that situation.
“I don’t know, Janelle,” I said with a slight shrug. “I can’t answer that. I would like to believe I wouldn’t. Obviously, sleeping with my best friend’s little sister would be wrong. It would also be wrong to take your virginity after you cried on my shoulder when your boyfriend left you for not sleeping with him. I want to say I’d have more respect for you than that.”
“But…?”
“But if I’m being honest…I’m a guy. You’re a girl. You practically threw yourself at me, begged me to take you, so I doubt I would’ve had much self-control whether I was stone-cold sober or not. You absolutely refused to hear the word no. I was fearful—you totally took advantage of me.”
She giggled and then groaned, immediately filling me with guilt for making her laugh when she was still so sick. “So you’re basically saying you slept with me because I was your best friend’s pathetic little sister who begged you to do what no other guy had done and deflower me. And you were too much of a horndog to say no. Is that it? That’s why we slept together?”
I stroked her back and contemplated how I should answer. Her questions evoked a winless battle. It was no secret how much I enjoyed going back and forth with her, teasing and laughing and egging each other on, but I also knew she was sick. Most importantly, she deserved the truth. So that’s what I decided to give her. “Not at all,” I whispered against the top of her head while my fingers trailed down her back, dancing along the curve of her hip.
“So then why did you sleep with me?”
“I can’t answer that.”
“Why not?” she pressed, unwilling to let it go.
“Because I don’t have an answer for you, Janelle. I’ve tried to understand my feelings for you that summer, but I can’t. I couldn’t then when it was going on, and I can’t now. No matter how much I pick it apart. For whatever reason, I was into you back then. But it’s obvious it wasn’t meant to be. Is that what you want to hear?”