His hands fell away from my hips, and even though I could still feel him behind me, I knew by the sudden drift of cool air along my spine that he had shifted away from me.
Part of me wanted to grab his arms and put them back around me. Another part of me longed to explore what had poked me in the back. But the saner part of me knew there was only one way to deal with the situation at hand.
Holden took a step back and blinked several times, as if he’d gotten water in his eyes, even though his face remained completely dry. I couldn’t help but feel as though I were missing something. As if this had been part of a conversation I was involved in, yet I couldn’t remember any of it. I wasn’t sure how to continue, realizing either way would more than likely cause some sort of damage to one of us.
Understanding relaxed his features, and he closed his eyes with a slow, inconspicuous nod.
“Holden—”
“You don’t remember anything from last night, do you?”
My chest tightened, and my heart skipped a beat. “I already told you—”
“Just be honest with me. You don’t need to lie to spare my feelings.” Gone was the smug, carefree, sexy guy I’d known since I was a kid, and in his place stood a man on the verge of an intense emotion I was too scared to name. Either anger, hinted at by his fisted hands and taut mouth, or immense regret, given away by his soft, dark, almost pleading eyes.
But I couldn’t lie anymore—no matter how much I wanted to.
He was right. I didn’t remember a damn thing.
He must’ve read the truth on my face, because rather than giving me a chance to answer, he nodded, sucked air through his teeth, and then shoved the shower curtain aside. As he stepped out, he mumbled something beneath his breath, but I couldn’t hear. I couldn’t move, unable to do anything other than stare at the swaying curtain with a sense of loss settling into my chest. The weight of regret hung heavily over my shoulders until my body caved, falling to the shower floor on my already sore knees.
Holden York had been the man of my dreams since I was six years old. For the last twelve years, he was my brother’s best friend and a constant around the house. Everyone used to joke that he was the sixth Brewer kid and that my parents ought to just adopt him with as often as he was there. Needless to say, I’d been in love with him since kindergarten, despite him being four years older than me. By the seventh grade, I could sign Janelle York better than Janelle Brewer. And when I blew out the candles on my thirteenth birthday cake, my wish was to one day marry Holden, because I’d believed the number thirteen held some sort of magical powers.
Yet here I sat, hung over in a shower in Vegas after an eventful night with Holden. I’d kicked him out of the bathroom, dripping wet, completely bare—and impressively hard. I couldn’t explain why I’d turned him away, because it didn’t make much sense to me. Up until about a year and a half ago, I had no interest in anyone other than Holden. He was the only guy I’d ever had eyes for. But that had all changed when Justin Moose waltzed into my third-period class junior year with his faded jeans and unkempt hair. Suddenly, I’d forgotten all about Holden and my obsession-slash-love for him. My whole world revolved around Justin.
A few months before senior prom, I’d decided it was time to give Justin, who I’d been dating for a year, my virginity. And there was no more cliché time than prom night. I’d planned the entire thing and kept it as a surprise. He’d hinted a couple of times about getting a hotel room, and each time, I told him no—not because I didn’t want one, but because I didn’t want to ruin the surprise. Then, two weeks before prom, before the most important night of my life, Justin did something I never expected. He broke up with me. I was devastated, and even more so when my friends had started to tell me it was because I wouldn’t put out. Apparently, the entire time I’d spent planning our first time together—my first time, period—he’d tried to do the same thing, and when he assumed it wouldn’t happen, he lost interest. He lost interest in sleeping with me, taking me to prom, and dating me.
I was heartbroken.
And the one person who was there for me was Holden.
Even though I had four siblings, three of which were sisters, I was closest to Matthew, with only a few years separating us in age. The girls were much older than us. So, after Justin had finished slaughtering my heart and spitting on it, I found myself at my brother’s apartment, the same apartment he shared with Holden. As it turned out, Matthew wasn’t home—he was actually on a date with Christine, the woman he just married yesterday. I ended up spending the evening on the couch, crying to Holden while watching all the Marvel Comics movies in order of production. But certain words he said to me that night came back to haunt me, words meant to comfort me…
“Janelle, you’re worth waiting for, and any man trying to rush it is a fool.”
“You almost done?” His voice came from the other side of the curtain. His gruff tone startled me out of my daydream and reminded me of where I was. It made me question what really took place last night, and why.
“Holden?” I called out, hoping he hadn’t left the room. When I saw his shadow pause, and then hover by the door, I asked, “How much did you have to drink last night?”
Static filled the air while I waited for his answer. Then, in his gravelly baritone, he said, “Quite a bit. Why?”
“Just wondering.” I turned off the water, not at all caring that I’d done nothing but sit beneath the spray instead of washing any part of me. Suddenly, a towel appeared through the opening of the curtain, which I took and wrapped around my shivering body. When I stepped out of the shower, I found Holden leaning against the sink, staring at me as if I’d been in the middle of a sentence and he waited for me to finish. With a shrug, I asked, “How much do you remember?”
“Every single fucking thing.” His response was immediate, and he didn’t break eye contact, not even to blink. “Had I been sober, I may not have made the same choices, but there isn’t a single moment of the entire night I don’t remember…in vivid detail.”
“Holden…”