“I know.”
Pike tightens his arms around me as I lay my head on his chest. He’s been with me ever since Declan left earlier to pay Lachlan a visit. I haven’t been able to get out of bed since we returned to London yesterday. Everything came to a standstill when we boarded the plane in Chicago. All of a sudden, there were no more distractions, and the weight of the past few days came crashing down on me.
I’m sad.
I miss my dad.
“He’s alive though.”
“Is that supposed to be a good thing?”
His fingers comb through my hair while I grip a wad of his white shirt that embodies the scent of his clove cigarettes. “What do you mean?”
“I mean, if his life is plagued with the agony he told me he carries with him every day, wouldn’t death be better? This world forces people to endure incredible pain. It’s like we’re all a bunch of masochists because we continue to choose life over death.”
“That’s a morbid thought.”
“But it’s true, right?” I tilt my head back to look at his beautiful face—young and free from stress. “Do you feel anything now that you’re . . .”
“Dead?” he says, picking up the word that hurts too much to say. “I miss you, but it doesn’t feel like it did when I was alive. It’s hard to describe. Somehow, I’m always at peace even though I miss you.”
“Missing you is excruciating.”
“I wish I could take it away from you, but you have so much to live for. You have a life with Declan. He’s good to you. He protects you. There are no boundaries for him when it comes to protecting you—he’ll do anything.”
I move to sit up in bed, and when Pike does the same, we face each other. “Are you mad about what we did to Matt?”
“No. I agree with Declan; all bets were off the moment that fucker put your life on the line.”
I gaze into his eyes and release a deep breath before telling him, “I don’t know what I would ever do without you.”
His hand comes to meet my face, and I notice his eyes morph into a laden expression. “Do you think I took advantage of you?”
“What?”
He drops his head for a beat before returning to me, and he finally voices for the first time what I’ve always known. “I was in love with you my whole life.” His eyes glaze over, tear-filled, and he tells me, “All I wanted was to make you happy. No matter what you asked of me, I gave it to you—even when I knew it was wrong.”
“You didn’t take advantage of me, Pike.” I take his hand from my cheek and hold it in my own. “It was me. I took advantage of you. I knew you were in love with me, and I used that to steal from you. I took your love, and I used it to comfort my pain. And I am so sorry I played with your emotions the way I did.”
“Don’t be sorry.”
He takes me into his arms, and as we hold each other, I ask, “Do you still feel that way about me?”
“No.”
“Does it hurt you to see me with Declan?”
Relaxing his grip, he pulls away and runs his hands down my arms. “No.” He holds both of my hands and we sit face to face on the bed. “I love you, I always will and nothing will ever change that. But something happened when I died. The way I loved you changed. I know Declan is good for you. He’s able to love you and care for you in a way I wouldn’t have ever been capable of. Seeing you two together settles me. I know you’re going to be okay in this life because of him.”
“You and Declan are the best things that ever happened to me in this shitty life.”
“And you are the best thing that ever happened to me when I was alive. And Declan is the best thing that’s happened to me in my death, because he’s giving you everything I wanted to but couldn’t. You’re the best part of me, you know?”
I look into the eyes of my savior, and although I wish I could turn back the hands of time and not have pulled that trigger, at least I know he’s moved on to a better place. And now, in his death, he goes on to serve as my orenda in this vicious world. He claims that it’s only Declan who provides my safety and comfort, but it’s the both of them together that blend the elixir that just might be my saving grace.
I hate that I had to leave Elizabeth back at the apartment, but I don’t feel safe handling this situation with Lachlan around her. Between his calls to Camilla and the insinuations from my father that Lachlan is withholding information from me, trust is now riddled with uncertainty.