“That someone is me.”
“I’ll be the one in the tuxedo.”
“I’ll do my best to recognize you, seeing as how men in tuxedos all look alike.”
His lips bowed into an imitation of humor. He wasn’t actually amused, she knew. His eyes remained troubled.
Remorse twisted hard within her.
Josh slowed his progress. “Good night,” he said, loud enough for the ladies in front to hear.
The other women fell over themselves thanking him, flirting with him, and wishing him goodnight.
He responded with his trademark politeness. His suit jacket spread open as he thrust his hands in his pants pockets. He nodded to Holly right before she was bustled toward her car by the women’s excitement and chatter.
She drove home with a lump in her throat and tears stinging her eyes, trying to understand what had just happened.
She’d been working so hard to battle back the love for Josh she’d always harbored. Nonetheless, her time with him had softened her heart toward him. It had. When he’d dropped his guard just now, she’d seen that her feelings weren’t one-sided. He cared about her too. She’d felt the attraction behind his intentions and experienced the leap of her own response.
So what had gone wrong inside of her? What had sabotaged her?
Fear. That’s what had derailed her. She’d been afraid. Not of Josh. Of what, then?
She reached her building, climbed the exterior staircase, and let herself into the hallway. Rob, gone. Mrs. Chapel, long asleep. Loneliness waited for her within her dark and solitary apartment. Beyond her apartment’s windows: people coming and going. Inside, emptiness.
She didn’t bother turning on lights. The depressing mood of the place suited her. Slipping out of her heels, she walked to her cold fireplace and stood before it, her arms crossed tightly.
Ruthlessly, she raked through her thought patterns, trying to get underneath her fear. Why was she afraid?
She was afraid because she didn’t think a romance between Josh and her could possibly end well. She wanted to blame that certainty on the fact that he lived overseas, or on the fact that they’d run out of time in which to cultivate a relationship, or their past history.
But none of those things were the real, hard truth. The real truth was that she didn’t think it could end well for them because she didn’t believe she was . . . enough for him.
How humiliating! Maddening. She had good self-esteem. She liked herself and she liked her life. But somewhere along the line, a small voice had started whispering to her that Josh was too good for her. Maybe the voice had been there long ago, when they’d been dating, which would partly explain why she’d followed through on his mom’s request that she break up with him. In her heart of hearts, perhaps, she hadn’t thought herself worthy of him.
Or maybe the voice had begun in those dark days after they’d broken up, when she’d told herself their romance never would have worked anyway, in an effort to make herself feel better. Or maybe all the years of disappointing dates, of watching her family members move on to bigger and better things, of humble middle child syndrome, had given the voice credence. Unlike what they said about a lot of people of her generation, Holly was not filled with a sense of entitlement. No. Quite the opposite.
Somewhere along the line she’d become like Shadow the cat, content to remain alone in the place where she’d always lived, because this was where she felt she belonged and what she deserved. Martinsburg was safe and familiar. She’d closed herself off to opportunities for change. For adventure.
For love. Tears brimmed on her lower lashes before seeping over.
“Holy smoke, Holly. Enough already. Quit it.” She swiped the tears from her cheeks.
That sly voice that had been whispering to her wasn’t God’s voice. She saw that very clearly, standing before her fireplace in her bare feet and her beautiful dress. Josh might be intelligent and successful and rich. But God valued her every bit as much as He valued Josh. Her worth, just like Josh’s worth, was found in Him alone. Without consciously knowing it, she’d let doubts creep in and distort her vision.
If she cleared her mind, she could see how Josh’s return to Martinsburg might even be considered somewhat . . . ordained. Amanda and Ben could have married in any number of fabulous destinations. Instead, they’d decided to marry here, which had brought Josh back into her life.