She turns into me, and I let her, my hands finding her face, then sweeping back her hair. Our legs tangle and we push apart just enough to look each other in the eyes.
“I can tell you every single thing about that moment, Maddy. We were on the other side of the Swim Club parking lot, where your dad had those old wooden benches carved out of logs. The air was humming with the sound of June bugs and the sun was half below the horizon, storm clouds covering one side of the sky and orange filling the other. Everything smelled like cedar, except for your breath. That smelled like cinnamon, because you’d just finished eating a bite of my mom’s cobbler. You were wearing that purple T-shirt we got for free for completing the presidential fitness testing at our high school. Your hair was down, but it was crinkly and wavy on the ends from swimming with a ponytail all afternoon. And,” I stop, because saying this next part terrifies me. As close as Maddy and I are right now, I’m not sure if it’s as real for her as it is for me. Evan is always there—even when he doesn’t deserve to be.
“Maddy, I know you wanted me to kiss you that day. For just a second maybe, but it was there. I stopped questioning, and you stopped talking, and it was quiet,” I say, encouraged that she isn’t flinching right now, or denying anything. Her eyes are set on mine, and her mouth is soft. “I got up when we heard Evan pull the car into the parking lot, but I kicked myself all semester for not having the balls to kiss you then and ask you to be mine.”
Her hand moves to my face and she inches up higher against me, her eyes fluttering closed and her lips dusting my mouth.
“I remember,” she breathes.
I let my eyes close with her touch, relishing it. But Evan…he’s still always going to be there. Maybe even more for me than her. I think the only way to move past it is to weave our stories together, to make sure she knows all of my details so I can learn to live with what they shared.
“I came home early for Thanksgiving,” I say. I feel her muscles tighten against me, her face shift in my hands, but I keep my eyes closed and my head down against her. Her eyes make me weak, and I tuck things away, because I’m too afraid of losing what’s in front of me.
“I came home with plans of following through with it, kissing you like I should have before I left. And when I came to your house, you and Evan were sitting on the couch together, holding hands…” I stop, shaking my head and pulling my lips in tight. “Then later that night…” I swallow hard. “I saw you both together…at The Mills. That’s when I knew you were never going to be mine.”
Her lips find mine again before my eyes can open. She kisses me hard, her hands weaving through my hair and her body inching forward until the space between us is completely eaten up with her response to my doubt.
I kiss her back, and I soak up the taste and feel of her, even though I know it’s not enough. I take this for now. I take her kiss, until our lips are raw and our bodies are exhausted. Our eyes are barely able to stay open, and the sunset looms only an hour or two away—our wake-up call to jump into the competitive waters and push our bodies to the max again.
“I know it’s going to take you a while to believe it, and I know our story…it isn’t how these stories are supposed to go,” she says, her face almost panicked. Her lips quiver, and a familiar fear washes across her face, making her pale. I recognize it, because it’s the same anguish that takes away my courage, makes me believe I don’t deserve things. This is where we run. We both do it; when we’re afraid that safety net will be gone—we run.
Please, Maddy…please don’t run from this. I know you feel it.
I hold her head in my hands, my forehead against hers, and I let myself beg for it. Because I need to hear it. I don’t think I can come back from this now—I’m too far gone.
“Please,” I whisper.
“I love you, Will Hollister,” she says, and I let my lips dust hers just at the sound of those words.
“It has been forever, Maddy. That’s how long,” I say against her skin. “I have loved you…forever.”
I pull away just enough to look her in the eyes.
“I loved the idea of your brother,” she says. “And the safety that came along with letting myself fall for him. But my love for you is deeper than that. It’s the real kind of love. It’s not about ideas or fantasies. It’s just something my heart can’t help. And I know with every single beat of it that whether Evan cheated or not, I’m with the man I was truly meant to be with. My story with Evan—it doesn’t matter. This is the only story that does. Our story.”
My body is exhausted, and my eyes fight to stay focused on her angelic face, but I do just long enough to tell her I love her more. I say the words a dozen times—a dozen different ways. I could never say it enough, and I don’t think I’ll ever grow tired of hearing how those words sound falling from my lips to land upon her ears.
“I love you so much, Maddy, and I’m going to win. I’m going to win for you, and fuck anything else.”
Chapter Nineteen