I shake my head.
“Evan was my whole life. He was the plan, and I know…” she takes a sharp breath, a small sob escaping her chest. “I know he was planning on marrying me, Will. I even think he was going to ask. Before you all left that night, he wanted to talk.”
My eyes grow heavy, and my heart stills completely. She couldn’t be farther from the truth, and this moment—it’s literally breaking me into two halves. I want to protect her, but I also want her more than I’ve ever wanted anything in my life. How can I keep saving her when every greedy bone of my body wants her for my own?
“My being here,” I say, moving my hands to my pockets and forcing my feet to slide a step away, to give myself distance from temptation. “I haven’t made anything better for you, and I’m so sorry, Maddy…”
“No, that’s not it,” she says, her body turning until her legs fall to the floor.
Her hands reach for my wrists, and I grow weak, letting her pull them from my pockets and bring them close to her, my body following. She turns one hand over, her thumb running along the metal of the watch I’d just been given, and I watch her eyes react to it. It’s obvious it’s old, and there’s a part of her that suspects it was probably my father’s. I can tell by the reverence with which she admires it. She looks up at me slowly, her cheek falling against one open palm, and the pleading look in her eyes undoes me. My hands move into her hair, and I step closer, gently coaxing her to stand, her chin resting on my chest as I lean my head forward and brush my nose against her, my mouth grazing her cheek, my eyes closing as I inhale.
“What is it, Maddy?” I whisper into her ear. “If I haven’t made things worse, then what? Tell me?”
Her hands fall from my wrists to my chest, her fingers slowly grasping fists full of my shirt. I watch her face fall into me and her mouth part, her lips touch my chest, kissing lightly and trembling in-between.
“You’ve made everything clear. You’ve made me feel whole, like something was missing for the last four years, and now that it’s in place, I’m stronger,” she says.
I reach down and lift her chin, and her eyes open on mine as I do.
“I meant what I said yesterday, Maddy,” I say. “Your laugh…your smile? It’s just as beautiful as I remember it. As beautiful as...as I always thought it was, even if it wasn’t mine to admire.”
Her eyes widen with a flare at my confession, and I know by the way she breathes that she understands the truth barely hidden behind those words. I’ve wanted Maddy since she dared me to beat her when we were kids racing in the pool. I’ve wanted to kiss her since I wrapped my hands around hers on the rope swing, and I know in my gut that I loved her first. I loved her more…and I loved her first.
I breathe through my nose, holding on to the quickly losing battle my conscience is having over what’s right and wrong—what would be a betrayal and what is just life, continuing on. The longer I look into her deep brown eyes, the clearer everything becomes, until the choice is no longer a choice, it’s just something I have to do.
My hands slide around her body slowly, and my eyes hold their gaze on hers, waiting for the cue that tells me to stop. When it doesn’t come, I lift her up so her body is flush with mine, and I spin around and set her on the desk, her hands not once letting go of their grip on my shirt.
Her bottom lip quivers, and I press my finger to it, stepping away just long enough to push the door closed completely and lock it. We don’t need anyone walking in, making either of us question whatever happens in the next several minutes.
I walk back to her quickly, and her mouth opens in a way that I know she’s about to doubt what we’re doing. I can’t let that happen, because it’s poisonous, and it will halt me before I can just see…I need to see if this is real, if she feels this, too.
Without pause, I reach through her hair, threading my fingers through the strands, and tilting her head up just enough that her lips are waiting for mine to cover them. I kiss her hard; she leans back with my force, her hands falling to the desktop behind her to catch herself.
“I won’t let you fall,” I say against her mouth.