“So this young man, he’s…” Susan begins.
“Evan’s,” Maddy fills in, her voice breaking at the mention of my brother’s name. That small emotion she just emitted hurts, but I remind myself that she hasn’t known about Dylan for long, and as much as I know she’s mine, she was also Evan’s for a long time. Betrayal hurts regardless.
Susan’s bottom lip puffs out, but she sucks it in quickly, holding onto that quivering urge.
“I see,” she swallows.
“Evan’s,” Curtis repeats, standing behind his wife, his hands on her shoulders. I wait for him to look me in the eyes, and when he finally does, I nod.
“Dylan, can you say nice to meet you?” Tanya encourages. My nephew makes a few sounds, and with Tanya’s lead, it’s possible to recognize the sounds Dylan makes to be the words she asked for.
He reaches his hand forward, and without hesitation, Susan takes it between both of hers. I watch her body shudder at the contact, like touching something important and discovering it’s real for the very first time. This is how my heart reacts to Maddy.
“Dylan, you look so very much like your father,” Susan smiles, and I can’t help but follow suit. There are so many things that she could have said, but none of that matters to Dylan, or Tanya. My resentments, the heartbreak Susan and Curtis feel on their daughter’s behalf, the betrayal that must eat away at Maddy—it’s all real, all valid, and we recognize it. But just not here—not in front of the innocents.
“He really does,” Maddy says, echoing her mother’s words.
Curtis nods in agreement behind his wife, and his eyes slide to mine with a new layer of understanding behind them.
I carry a lot of anchors in that water, Curtis. And I’m going to need every bit of help I can get to unload them for just a few seconds.
Maddy
I did not shave a third of a second off my time again, but I swam fast enough to win my heats easily, and I breezed into first place in both the one hundred and two hundred free races. Funny how winning can still feel like a disappointment, though, when you know you have more to give.
“I’ll get the record at trials,” I say, sliding into the space on the bench next to my father.
“Damn straight you will, and before I’m done, you’ll be beating this guy in the water,” my dad winks, nodding toward Will.
We both look on while he stretches his arms, leaning over and letting his limbs swing. His body looks ready, but I can still see his head is caught in so many other places.
“Where’s Mom?” I ask, trying to loosen my father up. He’s clasping his hands together and swaying where he sits, and it’s beginning to affect everyone sitting next to him. I lean into him, and he catches on, glancing down at where my arm touches his and shifting his position while flexing his hands.
“I guess I’m nervous, sorry,” he says. “Your mom’s in the family section with Duncan and…”
His lips part, but nothing escapes except for a heavy sigh.
“Evan’s family,” I fill in for him. My father bites the tip of his tongue and his mouth stretches out in forced smile.
“Yeah,” he says, blinking as he looks away from me.
We both watch on in silence, letting the shouts around us fill in the quiet while Will stands behind the heat before him, pacing. He never listens to music like so many of the other guys do, and I wonder if it’s because he already has plenty of noise in his head. He talks to himself, closing his eyes and imagining the start, nodding where every stroke goes as he visualizes the race.
“She…the girl…” My dad struggles for what to call her.
“Tanya,” I answer.
He breathes out a short laugh, pulling his lip up on one side.
“She didn’t know about me either,” I answer before he asks.
My father’s lips pull together tight as he nods, his eyes on the activity in the pool, but not really focusing on any one thing. I struggle to say more, wanting to explain how I found out, how much it hurts, but how I also feel like everything has been pushing me toward Will anyhow. None of it makes sense, and my heart is a messy place. That’s what stops me. I’m sure those questions will come from my parents—about how Evan and Tanya met, how I found out, how old Dylan is, what his struggles are. I’ll need to tell them about Tanya’s cancer, and I’ll need them to understand Will’s commitment, because I don’t plan on going anywhere, but I can’t lie to my father. I can’t say I’m not scared, because he would see right through me.
I am terrified.