Wednesday, August 31st, 2016
I keep digging and digging. Theo is never going to take me back. Not after he learns I’ve had sex with Wade five times already. The first time took both of us by surprise; the second took Wade by surprise, when I appeared at his front door, pissed off because Theo posted a photo of Jackson on Instagram. The third time was because I stupidly went on Jackson’s Facebook page and his three most recent profile pictures all included Theo. The fourth time was because I found the “Griffin on the Left” clip Theo made for my birthday two years ago and was disappointed in myself for believing he’d actually finish it. Most recently was because I was broken and lonely and only felt whole when I was losing myself with him.
But now Wade is holding out for the sixth time.
“You don’t talk to me anymore,” Wade says. “And you know there’s a lot to talk about.”
I’ve never asked Wade how long he’s known he’s gay or bisexual or curious or whatever. Big talks haven’t really been part of the plan. I come over, I do something I wish I could black out, and I go home wondering if I’ll ever have the nerve to drop this bomb on Theo.
“Let’s talk afterward.” I lean in and reach for his zipper, but he catches my hand and backs up.
“You said that last time,” Wade says.
I consider walking out, but then I might lose my only friend. It hasn’t felt like friendship lately, or even friendship with benefits—just benefits. I can’t use him the same way Theo is taking advantage of me. “You’re right.” I get up, moving over to his spinning chair. “I’m sorry. It’s really easy to get caught up in my own bullshit lately.”
“I get it.” His tone is nicer than I deserve. It makes me angry; why, I don’t know.
“So.” I spin around in the chair. “Why didn’t you tell us you’re gay?”
“I don’t really care about titles right now, but Theo actually knew. I told him last year,” Wade says.
I stop spinning. “Were Theo and I dating? Where was I?”
“The afternoon you had me distract Theo while you hunted down a graduation cap for his surprise party. I kept it real with him because I wanted to know how he knew which feelings to trust.” Wade bounces the ball against the wall, keeping his eyes off of me.
“But why didn’t you tell me?” Not being in on something from our squad makes me feel like the third wheel I was when I first started hanging out with them, the third wheel Wade was terrified of becoming after Theo and I came out.
“I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it. You and Theo made big deals about everything, and that’s not me.” Wade misses his next catch, and the ball rolls under the bed. He gives up and sits down on the floor. “You confused me too. I really wanted what you and Theo had, and I wanted it with you. Don’t worry, I’m not in love with you.”
This wasn’t actually a concern of mine. If anything, it’s another reminder how unloved I am these days, but I keep that to myself.
“It’s been really hard watching you so hurt,” Wade says. “I wanted to make you feel better, and it was risky, so I made a move. I didn’t expect it to get so far.”
“Me either.”
I hope he isn’t trying to start something up with me. I love Theo way too much to fake interest in someone else. Sex is one thing to cover up, but I can’t bullshit love. “You cool with it? Being gay or bi or whatever?”
“You and Theo made it look pretty cool. You guys were like bros that kiss and have sex. That sounds wrong, but you know what I mean.” Wade rolls his eyes at himself, fighting back a yawn. “I wish it was as easy as you and Theo made it look. But I got freaked out along the way and didn’t know what would happen if I got rejected. I didn’t want to screw up our friendship.”
I’m tempted to respond to his honesty with some of my own, how I’m only engaging with him sexually to get back at Theo, even though I’m not sure that’s a gun I ever want to shoot. Wade would be stupid not to suspect this, but there’s a huge difference between suspecting someone has a gun and finding one pointed at you. He doesn’t deserve or need to be hurt. He deserves a hell of a lot better.
Maybe he and I can still be friends. But that’s as far as we can go with this. Nothing else—except hopefully that sixth time in bed.
Thursday, September 8th, 2016