“Are you awake?” Jackson asks.
“Yeah,” I say, wishing I had a piece of gum. It sucks I can’t run out of here and hop on a plane to escape all of this, because my flight isn’t until this afternoon. But nothing about my life has been easy lately, and maybe that’s how it should be. I turn as Jackson is sitting up, and I register Jackson is dressed—completely different clothes than yesterday, thankfully. I’m still one hundred percent naked, so I cover up my entire body with the sheet I slept in, suddenly insecure of everything.
“I didn’t get any sleep last night. Maybe five minutes,” Jackson says. “Probably six minutes,” he corrects.
I slept. I know because the last thing I remember is turning away from the ceiling and squeezing my eyes shut after promising Theo I was done talking to him.
“It didn’t mean anything,” I spit out. It sounds harsher than I intend, but that’s me since Theo died, rough around the edges, and his betrayal has only made me sharper. It sucks for Jackson that the tip of my sword is at his throat—poor wording considering last night’s event—but Jackson isn’t at fault because he didn’t actually steal Theo away from me. Theo was simply over me. “Right?”
Jackson nods strongly, like the pirate bobblehead I put in Jackson’s car’s cup holder on our way back to his place the other night.
“You’re completely right. It was a weird day. Being back at that beach really twisted me.”
“We were vulnerable,” I say, which is a half lie. He was hurting because of how much he misses Theo, and I was trying to hurt Theo.
“Exactly.”
“I’m going to get dressed,” I say.
Jackson turns away. I had no problems being naked around Theo. It’s not as if Jackson has a six-pack, but I don’t feel that comfortable around him, sort of like when I was a kid and would keep my shirt on at the beach around my friends. I find my underwear on the floor next to my sad-looking condom. I get completely dressed in ten seconds and throw the condom in his trashcan. I tell Jackson to put Edward Scissorhands back on so I can see how it ends, while I go brush my teeth. But all I end up doing when I get to the bathroom is sitting on his mother’s shower bench and crying while the water in the sink runs.
“I’m okay, Dad.”
“I’m not buying it,” Dad says. His bullshit detector has improved tenfold ever since it failed him on Monday morning when I flew out here.
I’ve been 90 percent honest about what Jackson and I have been up to the past couple of days, but he can tell something else went down besides watching movies and driving around town. I don’t know how to tell him Theo dicked me over and how I did something unforgivable in return.
“I know. Things aren’t awesome right now, okay? I promise I’ll tell you both everything when I get home tonight.”
“That’s all I wanted to hear.”
“How everything sucks?”
“No, honesty. We’ll both be at the airport ready to pick you up,” Dad says. “Don’t change your mind last minute and fly to some other country.”
I hear footsteps in the hallway, so I tell my dad I have to go and will text before I board. I hang up and sit down on the bed as Jackson, wearing nothing but boxers and a towel around his shoulders, enters the room. He doesn’t say anything to me. Last night has undone the friendship we’d started, but maybe once I get home and we have space between us again, we can salvage some of it.
Jackson kneels before me and his hazel eyes lock with mine. He kisses me and I give in so easily, I don’t push him off. His hand goes under my shirt and finds my shoulder, squeezing, before coming right back out to untie my shorts’ drawstring. I massage his sides, still a little wet. He climbs into my lap and kisses me again, this time rougher, not nearly in control of himself like he was the first time we did this.
I pull away because despite Theo’s betrayal, I’d rather feel nothing than shame, but Jackson keeps coming for me. “Jackson, stop.”
He backs off, rolling off of me and onto the bed. His eyes are red. “I miss him so much. I never deserved him. I’m not the guy he thought I was. I fucked up.”
“We both did.”
“No, not about last night. I didn’t want to ruin your trip, but . . .” Jackson is crying, and I’m terrified of whatever it is he’s about to say. I have no theories. “I didn’t go . . . I didn’t go into the ocean to save Theo like I said I did. I ran to get a lifeguard instead because I was scared I would drown too, and . . . I didn’t want to die but I was really fast, I swear, I just couldn’t risk . . .”
Jackson is the reason Theo broke his promise to never die.