We’re sitting on his living-room floor, me to Theo’s left, obviously, while he opens up the latest delivery from his future home. Russell records this unboxing on his phone to later add to the “Big Theo Moments” folder he has on his computer. Theo pulls out an SMC fitted cap, an SMC T-shirt, and an SMC hoodie.
I can’t possibly feel panicky because Theo’s pulled out three items, right? That doesn’t make sense. I know why I’m losing my breath: it’s because every time I think Theo might reconsider and stay here in New York for another year, something like this pops up—an email or a letter or a padded envelope or, now, a swag box. I know he’s already got one foot out the door.
Theo puts on the cap and winks at me. “The SMC heads sure know how to seduce a guy, right?”
Alternate universe idea: Theo and I are living together in a huge house overflowing with hats because I bought him a new one every day to get him to stay.
Sunday, May 17th, 2015
Maybe I put too much pressure on my birthday. There are only a few hours left, and it’s not the memorable day I was counting down to, even though all the right pieces were in place: I woke up to a video from a shirtless Theo for my eyes only; my parents gave me three hundred and fifty dollars (I returned ten dollars under the guise of a thank-you tip for bringing me into this world, but really I just wanted a number that felt more even); I hung out with Theo and Wade at Bonus where Theo and I kissed for the first time, and we played several rounds of pinball and air hockey; I got some great gifts and I haven’t even gotten Theo’s yet, but my favorite so far is the Cedric Diggory key chain Wade got me.
And now I’m walking around Union Square with the guy I really love, while he holds my hand and whistles the Star Wars theme song.
But all I can think about is how Theo will be gone this fall.
I won’t have him with me for the first day of school, walks in September, for a couples costume for Halloween, for side-by-side studying for midterms in November, for preholiday craziness in December, for his birthday, for my next birthday. We won’t have those days or every little and big moment in between once he’s gone. I have him now, and I still can’t throw on a smile that doesn’t feel like a lie. But at least I can lie if it makes him happy.
“Today’s been incredible,” I say. “Thanks for throwing all this together.”
Theo took charge of my birthday. I don’t know if it’s because he loves me or because he feels guilty for leaving, but he signed up for the job and saw it through. I had my doubts. He’s been spending a lot of his weeknights and weekends downloading new computer programs to prepare for SMC life. I have to keep reminding myself that he’s not always putting his brain before his heart. More importantly, it’s not a bad thing when he does.
He leads me to a bench. We sit, watching two women play chess on crates nearby.
“Griffin, I got to let you in on something,” he says.
“What’s up?” This already doesn’t feel good.
“I know you,” Theo says. “Like, a little bit. We’ve been dating for almost a year, and we go way back. Fifth grade. I know something’s up. You’re supposed to be able to talk to me when something’s up. If you don’t, the Bad Boyfriend Council will show up at my house and give me a demerit.”
“What happens when you get too many demerits?”
“I’ll be sentenced to an entire month without masturbation or sex. You got to save me here,” Theo pleads. “You’re not okay, are you?”
I keep my eyes on the chess game, on the perfectly even number of squares. “I’m going to miss you,” I tell him, which is true. “I know we still have the entire summer to look forward to, but what’s going to happen once you move to California? We’ll see each other on holidays?”
“That isn’t enough for you?”
“I’m scared it’s not going to be enough for you,” I admit. “You’re going to meet some guy, or girl, and, yeah, maybe you’ll be friends at first, but it’s just going to get you missing something physical. I don’t think Skype-Griffin is going to be enough for you.”
“Will Skype-Griffin love Skype-Theo? He better, because Skype-Theo is planning on loving the hell out of Skype-Griffin, even if he can’t kiss him.”
He’s gotten me to smile. Screw everyone who hates public displays of affection, because I have to get my kisses in before I become Skype-Griffin.
“You feel better?” he asks.
“I’m sorry I didn’t say anything sooner.”