I don’t know when I’ll see your parents or sister next. Maybe next month around your birthday I’ll stop by and bring something for Denise. But it’s good to know I’ll be welcomed back.
“I’m visiting Theo’s grave today,” Jackson says after we leave your building. “I was planning on coming out for his birthday, but I think I’m going to stay home and try to figure out what’s next for me. It’ll be nice to have a little one-on-one time with him.”
“Is that your way of making sure we don’t invite ourselves to tag along?” I ask, wrapping my arm around Wade’s.
“A little bit,” Jackson says.
We try to convince him to have lunch with us, but he’s dead set on having his Theo time before having to meet up with Anika and Veronika tonight to try and repair their friendship. Jackson invites the two of us out to California in April for spring break, and looking that far ahead in my almost-relationship and in general is sort of scary, but not overwhelming.
“Is it okay if I hug him again?” Jackson asks Wade.
“He’s not the boss of me,” I say, stepping into Jackson’s arms. I hug him like the brother I never had, like the brother I would’ve never slept with if I’d known I’d one day be calling him a brother of mine. “Thanks for everything, Jackson. I don’t even want to think about where I would be if I couldn’t turn to you. That Alternate Universe Griffin is pretty fucking screwed.”
“Well, that Alternate Universe Jackson isn’t exactly living his best life either,” Jackson says, stepping back. “If you don’t stay in touch, I’m going to have to fly back out here and harass you, and I’m not sure if Wade is going to be a huge fan of that.”
“He still won’t be the boss of me by then,” I say.
“That’s what he thinks,” Wade says.
“Go easy on Theo,” I say. “And yourself.”
“Back at you,” Jackson says.
We hail Jackson a cab. With one last wave, he’s gone. I really don’t know when I’ll see him again, but I promise you, Theo, that we’ll continue taking care of each other, and that I’ll never turn my back on him again.
Saturday, January 6th, 2017
“I don’t know why I agreed to go back to school.”
Thank the Creator of All Universes that Wade is a kind, bored soul who is spending his Saturday morning helping me catch up on missed assignments.
“I think we both know why,” Wade says, pointing at himself. “Solid life choice, by the way.” He is lying across my bed, finishing my math homework—don’t judge me, I can’t possibly do all of this by myself. Team Mountain, remember? His elbow touches my hip, and if this were us months ago, we would’ve shifted away. Now I inch closer to him.
I’m letting my playlist run wild, and after I put the finishing touches on my history report about World War II, I turn to Wade. “Done.” I lie down next to him, knowing I can trust nothing too sexual is going to happen because we’ve left the door open. It sucks, but I’m happy Wade and I aren’t having sex for a while. Our beginning was pretty rocky, so we need a fresh start. This means earning our relationship.
“We should get going.”
Not only am I going back to school this week, but I have a therapy appointment this afternoon with a new doctor. Dr. Anderson was fine and all, but I’m starting over with this psychiatrist my mom’s friend recommended to her. Hopefully Dr. Fergesen doesn’t make me anxious, or I’ll walk out of her office too. I’ll figure out my next move from there.
We throw on our coats and go outside, walking to the clinic.
“I know I’ve been lying to myself about how well I’m actually functioning, and I know I may not be able to scrub myself clean of all the impulses and anxiety completely, but I want to see if I can take some control of my own life back,” I say.
“You’re welcome,” Wade says.
“I didn’t say thank you,” I say.
“I noticed. I thought I’d nudge you in the right direction.”
“Thanks for forcing me to be honest with myself,” I say.
“Anytime, champ,” Wade says.
I smile at him before looking ahead. There’s nothing wrong with someone’s saving my life, I’ve realized, especially when I can’t trust myself to get the job done right. People need people. That’s that.
Even though I’m incredibly anxious as to how this session will go, I feel like I can do anything right now, like make snow angels in nothing but a T-shirt and boxers and never get sick, or race Wade up the side of a building, not giving a single damn about gravity.
I’m on his left, of course, but in the middle of his story about his earliest memory at the movie theater, I shift to his right and hold his hand, which does feel weird, I can’t lie. But it feels good, too. I’m no longer waking up on the wrong side of my life.
HISTORY