She took a ragged sigh before beginning. “Please don’t think I’m blaming you for any of this, Jace, because I’m not. But I never got over you. I’ve thought about you every day since I left. At first I dealt with it by putting all my energy into working hard, getting good grades. I was determined to prove to myself—to prove to you—that I was the adult I said I was. And it worked for me. I was a good student. I worked hard. I saved my money. I took design in school and got a good job.”
Lily Mae closed her eyes for a moment before continuing. “It wasn’t enough. I still felt like something was missing. I still felt alone, so I tried to fix it. My job opened up a whole new world full of guys like I’d never met back home. Fancy, rich guys in suits. Guys who spent more on their hair than I did, guys who got manicures and took me to fancy restaurants and sent five dozen white roses to my office the next day.”
Jace could feel his jealousy flare, but told himself to cool it. He had no right to be possessive of the woman she’d been in California.
“Every one of those guys eventually left. They all said the same thing—that I couldn’t be satisfied. But I knew in the back of my mind it was because to satisfy me, they’d have to be you.” Lily Mae dabbed her eyes with the napkin beside her plate. “So I decided to fill that unhappiness with other things. Material things. It was easy to justify it. My job was all about image, so allowing myself to indulge in things I never would have considered buying was a nice change. And it worked. Buying things made me feel better, at least until the credit card statements started racking up…”
“Is that when the drinking started?” he asked.
She nodded. “I never could hold my liquor, but that didn’t stop me from trying. It always seemed like if one drink made me feel better, three might finally make me feel great. It never did, and it seems like I almost always do something stupid when I drink, like buying a four-hundred-dollar purse online instead of paying the rent…”
“Or driving drunk.”
Lily Mae sniffled sadly. “That was the worst. It cost me a really good job when it came out in the paper. I went freelance after that for some of my regular clients, but at a fraction of the income. And with my bills…”
“How bad is it?” he asked.
She flushed now, and he could tell the admission she was about to make was not an easy one.
“Let’s just say that not all the bad news will fit in a glove box. I got an eviction notice right before I left.” Tears started running down her cheeks. “So before you talk about wanting me back, let me make sure you know just what you’re getting. I knew mama was sick, but I couldn’t afford to come see her as often as I wanted. And when she finally died, I was sad because she was gone, then relieved because I figured she had a life insurance policy I could use to bail myself out with, and then pissed with her when I found out she only had enough of one to cover the funeral.
“So before you say you want me back, understand that you’re not getting that feisty little cowgirl who used to race you on horseback or gloat over catching the biggest bass down at Miller’s pond. You’re getting someone who’s fucked up her life on just about every level.”
“And you think all this is going to scare me away?” he asked.
“It’d scare me away if I were you,” she said.
“Well, you’re not me. I still want you, Lily Mae. But I’m not going into this with my eyes closed. Both the spankings I’ve given you ended in sex, but there’s more to it for both of us than a turn-on. You need somebody to jerk a knot in your pretty tail from time to time. It’s what’s been missing in your life. If we’re going to be together, then you need to understand that you might find yourself with a sore ass if you go having temper tantrums, or if I catch you doing anything I consider self-destructive. And you need to understand that there will be times when it’s not going to be followed by sex, either. So now I need to know: does that scare you away? Because as much as I love you, I can’t have you here unless you recognize right away who wears the pants in this house. Is that something you can live with?”
Her eyes met his then, and for the first time Jace saw the shadow of the girl he’d grown up with. “Live with?” she asked with a small smile. “I’m thinking it’s something I can’t live without.”
Chapter Six
Lily Mae could tell that Jace wasn’t comfortable lying.
“It was dark and she didn’t see my truck.” He was helping the man from Lloyd’s Towing and Auto Body Repair hook up her SUV, which he was paying to have fixed.
“Insurance?” the man asked.
“She’s a friend and I don’t want her premiums going up because of an accident that could have been prevented if I’d put that security light up like I planned to, so this is on me.”
The driver shook his head. “It’s going to cost a pretty penny. And your truck needs fixing, too.”