“Did you think about telling Julian?”
“Of course,” Mom said quickly. “There were many times that I was so close to calling him.” She took a sharp breath. “And when you were five, I did.”
“Why then?”
She moved her head away from my shoulder so she could look me straight in the eye. “I’m not sure, really. I think you had just done something—made some expression or something—that was so quintessentially Julian. And something cracked open inside of me. I guess it made me miss him.”
“So you called him?”
She nodded. “And after a few moments of talking to him, I knew it was a mistake. We fell into our old pattern of accusations and arguments. I could sense the fear and uncertainty in his voice, and I didn’t want to bring that fear to you. You didn’t deserve that.
“You see, Taliah,” she continued, “I made the initial decision I did not because I thought Julian would be an awful father, but because I didn’t want to raise you in an environment with constant bickering. I didn’t want you to see me as a person who was always jealous and disappointed.” Her eyes met mine again. “It was a selfish choice. I know that. But at the time, it felt like the best one. I really thought, and honestly I still do think, that I was a better mom because I was able to do it on my own terms.”
I straightened my spine so I could sit up more in the bed. “And as I got older, you never thought about telling me the truth?”
She reached for my hands again. “Oh, Taliah. Of course I did. But the more time passed, the guiltier I felt. And I didn’t want you to see me as a liar, and I thought the best way to prevent that was to keep you from knowing the full truth. I was so scared of losing you.” She gripped my hands like she was afraid I was about to disappear right in front of her.
“I’m not asking for you to forgive me right away, but I’m asking you to try and understand why I did what I did,” she pleaded.
I returned her grip, squeezing her hands in mine. “I understand,” I said slowly. “It makes me sad, but I understand.”
She nodded a little and reached out to stroke the back of my head. “You know, I’ve been so worried about this moment for years. I knew that someday you’d discover the truth. And I knew it was closer than ever when you started to ask questions about Julian Oliver a few years ago. But now that this moment is here, now that everything is out in the open, I actually feel better.”
I gave her a small smile. “Yeah,” I said. “We should probably work on that, huh?”
“On what?”
“On opening up more.”
She nodded again and a few tears finally spilled out of the corners of her eyes. “Yeah. We probably should.”
III.
Mom kept her promise and let us stay for the memorial. Aunt Sarah’s house was in a more developed area of Oak Falls. Unlike Tom and Debra’s, her house didn’t sit on a plot of rolling acres. It was a squat white brick home on the end of a cul-de-sac.
She’d organized the backyard for the event. Serving dishes of various dips and casseroles were laid out on a table on the deck, and her husband, Todd, was manning the grill, flipping burgers and hot dogs. She’d set up a small microphone near the edge of the deck and explained that later, she thought people could get up and share their favorite memories of Tom.
There was already a good crowd of people in the backyard when we arrived. I didn’t recognize most of them, but I did spot my cousins nursing root beers and chatting under a shady oak tree. When they saw me, the twins gave me a halfhearted wave and it felt like progress.
“It’s nothing fancy, but it’s something,” Sarah said to us when she arrived. “I thought we all needed something.”
“It’s wonderful, Sar,” Julian said.
“It’s lovely,” Mom agreed.
“I know I told you yesterday, but I’m so glad you’re here, Lena,” Sarah said, and I could tell she really meant it.
Mom gave her a gentle smile and rubbed the small of my back.
I saw Toby standing in the corner by himself. “I’m going to go say hi to a friend, okay?” I said to her, and walked in his direction.
“How are you holding up?” Toby asked me as I approached.
I shrugged. “Overwhelmed. But somehow kind of content. I feel like for the first time in a long time, I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be.”
A look of satisfaction passed over his face.
“I don’t mean—” I said quickly.
“I know, I know. But I can’t help but agree with that proclamation.”
“Really?”
“Really,” he said. “And you know what else?”
My stomach flipped a little. “What?”
His dark eyes twinkled. “If this wasn’t the memorial for your grandfather, I would kiss you right now.”
My cheeks burned in the best sort of way as he reached for my hand. “And I should’ve kissed you last night at the bowling alley. And the night before in the woods. But again, the timing,” he continued. “But I’ve decided to forget the timing.” He wrapped his arm around my waist and pulled me close to him. He leaned down and kissed me gently on the lips.
My whole body thrummed. The kiss was quick, but somehow it felt infinite.
As Toby pulled away, the backyard got dramatically quiet. I worried for a moment that everyone was staring at us, but as I looked around, I saw that the crowd was focused on Julian, who had made his way up to the small microphone. He tapped his fingers against the mic.
“So you’d think by now I’d be used to speaking in front of a crowd of people,” Julian joked. The crowd let out a slight laugh. “But right now, I’m unbelievably nervous.” His eyes found mine and he smiled. “But I’m going to try to fight through my nerves because I want to tell you about my dad.”
The crowd leaned forward in anticipation. And somehow, even though I knew what we were all there to commemorate was an ending, it also felt like a beginning.
As Julian paused, his mouth hovering above the microphone, I briefly wondered if the reason so many people loved his songs was because he invited the listener into a place of certain uncertainty, a place that allowed for sadness and anger. And love.
A place that felt a whole lot like both an ending and a beginning.
And I felt like I’d finally reached a place similar to that myself. A place with lots of unknowns, but that was somehow okay. Better than okay, even.
I was ready for my beginning.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
Endless thanks as always to my wonderful and wise agent, Brenda Bowen. I’m beyond lucky to have you in my corner. Much gratitude to the rest of the amazing team at Greenburger Associates, in particular Stefanie Diaz and Wendi Gu.