“So it was an accident,” he said. “No one murdered Danny. It was just a terrible accident.”
I could have just nodded. Could have let him have that moment of terrible relief of finding out that none of the people he loved was a murderer. Maybe he would have been so grateful that he would have let me go.
But he wanted to know the truth, and for once in my life I wanted to be honest with someone.
“Maybe,” I said. “I’m not sure.”
“What do you mean?” he said. “Why would my mother confess to accidentally killing Danny if she hadn’t?”
“She could be trying to protect Patrick,” I said. “Or maybe Patrick made her believe she was responsible somehow. After seeing all those arrest records . . .”
“That doesn’t necessarily mean anything,” he said. “So he got into some fights in high school. It doesn’t mean he murdered his own brother. No. Patrick’s innocent. It was just my mom, and it was an accident. You want me to think there’s more to find so you can stay here longer.”
He wasn’t entirely wrong about that last part, and we each knew it. This bit of honesty worked both ways.
“Just your mom?” I repeated. “Think about it. Why didn’t she just call the police if it was such an innocent accident? Knowing Jessica . . .”
Nicholas’s face darkened. “She was drunk.”
“Yeah,” I said. “And Patrick and Lex helped her cover it up. They had to have.”
He shook his head. “No. You don’t know that.”
“Jessica said she didn’t see Danny because it was dark,” I said, “but Danny supposedly went missing when it was still light out on Saturday. If Jessica was the one who killed him, she had to have done it the night before.”
“And Patrick and Lex both said they saw Danny the next day. Dammit.” He stood and walked over to the window, bracing his hands on the sill and taking deep breaths. “They were already lying for her.”
“Plus . . .”
“What?”
“Can you imagine your mom driving out to the desert to dump the bike and . . . bury the body?”
“No,” he said quietly. “It could only have been Patrick. So this is it? Either my brother killed Danny in a violent rage because he was being blackmailed, or, best-case scenario, my mother killed him accidentally and made it look like he went missing so me and my dad and Mia could spend the rest of our lives worrying about him and hoping he’d come home someday?”
“I think so,” I said.
“How long have you known this?”
“Since last night.”
“And you’re just now telling me?”
“Yes. I’m sorry.”
“I take back what I said before,” he said, turning on me. His eyes were on fire. “Turns out I do have the energy to hate you. I’m turning this all over to the FBI. Let them sort out what really happened.”
He went for the door, but I stepped into his path. I felt like a rubber band pulled dangerously tight, and my hands were fisted at my sides to stop them shaking. Nicholas took a step back from me. I think he thought I was going to hit him, when all I was trying to do was hold myself together. I lifted my hands up in surrender.
“Are you sure you want to do that?” I said. “It won’t bring Danny back, but it could send half of your family to prison.”
“You’re just trying to save your own ass,” he said. “If I expose them, I expose you.”
“That’s true,” I said, “but it’s more than that. I know what it’s like to have no family; you don’t. Even if they’re not perfect, even if they did something terrible, they love you. They treat you well and give a damn what happens to you. What would you do without them? What would Mia do without them?”
“Don’t.”
He tried to brush past me, but I caught his arms. I didn’t want him to turn me in, but even more than that I wanted him to understand. “Imagine what this will do to her, to learn these things about the people she loves. Who will take care of her with both of your parents and Lex and Patrick in prison? You certainly won’t be going off to college next year, not unless you’re willing to abandon her when she needs you the most. Think of what her life will be like. They’ll put her in care. She’ll be alone, she’ll be scared—”
“Stop it!” he said, trying to pull himself out of my grasp.
I couldn’t control the words now. “You’re so selfish. All you want is to get away, to wash your hands of this place and these people, and you have no idea how lucky you are. They love you.”
“They’re liars!” he said in a furious whisper. “Killers and liars!”
“Who love you!” I said. “You don’t think it could be worse?”
Suddenly, all of the fight rushed out of Nicholas. Like a plug had been pulled and all that righteous fury that was fueling him went swirling down the drain. He sank onto the floor, burying his head in his hands, and his shoulders started to shake with silent sobs.
“I don’t know what to do,” he said softly. He sounded so young all of a sudden, and I remembered with some surprise that I was the older of the two of us.
I slowly sat beside him. I didn’t know what to say.
“What do I do?” he asked, raising his head. “What does any of it even matter? Danny’s dead. His bones are out there in that desert somewhere. That’s all that’s left of him, and nothing I do can change that.”
Slowly, I put an arm around his shoulder, and he let me. I felt a tremendous lightness taking shape inside of me. I had no secrets from Nicholas anymore.
“We’ll find out what really happened,” I said. “Then you’ll know what to do.”
“I hate you,” he said.
“I know,” I said.
But he didn’t move.
? ? ?
I told the truth and the world didn’t crash at my feet. I thought my lies and pretending were getting me closer to what I wanted, but I’d never felt so close to finally filling that hole inside of me for good as I did after I was honest with Nicholas. I wasn’t sure who the real me was anymore, but for the first time I wanted to try being that person. Secrets were the bricks in my walls, and I wanted to finally take them down.
I woke up the next morning knowing which brick to remove next.
Lex and I were the only ones at home, and I found her reading a magazine by the pool.
“Hey,” I said, sitting down on the lounge chair beside hers. “Can you drive me somewhere?”
“Sure. Where you going?”
“My friend Ren’s house,” I said. “She just lives over in Calabasas.”
Lex checked her phone. “I was going to leave in about a half an hour anyway to meet a friend for lunch. Can you wait until then?”
“Yeah, sure.”
Lex cocked her head at me and put a hand on my leg. “How you doing? It feels like I’ve barely seen you lately.”
“I’m good,” I said.
“School’s going okay?”
I nodded.
She smiled and brushed my cheek with the side of her thumb. “It’s like it was always meant to be now. You here with us.”
My throat got tight, because for some reason I was sure she was talking to me.
I nodded. “Yeah.”
She stood up, dropping a kiss on my forehead as she did. “I’m going to go change, and then we can go.”
? ? ?
Ren answered the door.