“They’re not friends, Danny, they’re rubberneckers,” he said. “They just want to gawk at the tragedy. That’s all you are to them.”
I could feel the rage and hurt radiating off him but didn’t share it. What did it matter if they were only interested in my story? They wanted it, and I wanted to give it to them.
But I couldn’t risk alienating Nicholas, not when I was already on such shaky ground with him. I scrubbed a hand through my hair, and when I spoke, I made sure that my voice came out sounding small and weak.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “I wasn’t thinking. I just wanted . . . I wanted them to like me and . . .”
He sighed, but it wasn’t the soft sound the word implies. It was a hard one, like he was trying to expel all of his anger on that exhalation.
“It’s okay. You didn’t do anything wrong.” He turned and looked out over the courtyard. “You know what, fuck this place. Let’s get out of here.”
? ? ?
Nicholas took me to a diner a few kilometers from the school, and we ordered burgers and milk shakes.
“Why did you want to go back to school so bad?” he asked. “You had a free pass to stay out of that place.”
This was a prime bonding opportunity, and I was going to make the most of it by pulling out all my tricks. I shrugged and curled my shoulders in toward myself until I looked like Nicholas and tried to summon his sharp, cynical attitude. “It’s better than staying home all day.”
One corner of his mouth tugged up. “Lex driving you crazy?”
I smiled too. “A little.”
“She means well, but—”
“But she’s a pain in the ass sometimes, yeah,” I said. “Anyway, no one expects me to do anything at school but show up, so it’s not exactly taxing.”
Nicholas snorted. “Like being a football player. Asher says as long as he puts in an appearance, no one cares what he does. That place is such a joke. It doesn’t bother you though?” he asked. “Having everybody whisper and stare?”
“A little,” I said, “but I’ve survived worse.”
“Fuck,” he said, dropping a French fry loaded with ketchup back to the plate. “Right. Sorry.”
“It’s okay,” I said. “You don’t have to be so careful around me, you know. I won’t break. Is that why you’ve been avoiding me?”
“I haven’t.”
I gave him a look. “Nicky. Come on.”
A flicker of . . . something . . . went through his expression. Was it doubt? If he did suspect I wasn’t his brother, he was either biding his time until he could prove it or had convinced himself he was being paranoid. That must make him feel pretty guilty, the distrust in his gut when his brain and everyone around him was telling him Danny was back.
I could use that.
“It’s hard for me to feel like I’m entirely home,” I said, “because . . . I still miss you. Even though we’re in the same house, it feels like we’re still so far apart.”
Nicholas looked down at the table and sighed long and slow.
“Okay,” he said. “Maybe I have been avoiding you a little. But it’s probably just because I avoid the family in general these days.”
“And?” I said, daring him to say he didn’t believe in me after that.
“And . . . I don’t always know how to act around you,” he said. He folded his hands in front of him on the table. “It’s weird. Things are different. You’re different.”
No shit.
I bit back my smile and folded my hands the same way he had. “You’re different too.”
“Well, I can’t argue with that.”
“Maybe we can just . . . get to know each other as the people we are now,” I said.
He nodded, and this time when he looked at me, he actually looked at me. “Yeah. That sounds good.”
“Good,” I said. Very good. Now whenever Nicholas felt unsure about me, he would remember this conversation and feel so bad, he’d argue himself out of any doubts. “It’s nice to be able to talk to you again.”
His brow crinkled. “Yeah?”
“Yeah,” I said. “I missed you so much.”
He looked out the window suddenly, not because there was anything to look at out there, but because he didn’t want to look at me. “Really?”
“Of course,” I said. There was a softness around his mouth that made me think, crazy as it seemed, that he was on the verge of tears. He’d never seemed happy I was back, and I suddenly wanted that so badly. I wanted him to tell me he was happy to have me there. “You’re not just my brother, Nicholas. I know we didn’t always get along as kids, but deep down, you were my best friend.”
His eyebrows twitched closer together, so briefly that most people wouldn’t have noticed. My stomach dropped. He looked down at his watch and said, “We’d better go.”
He slid out of the booth without looking at me and headed for the exit.
? ? ?
The next day at school an office assistant came to take me out of second period. It was the class I shared with Nicholas, and he and I exchanged a look as I followed the girl from Mrs. Whelan’s health class. She took me to the front office and told me to have a seat.
“Dr. Singh will be with you in just a minute,” she said.
Talking to Singh was the last thing I wanted to do, but I couldn’t create a scene by arguing. It might look suspicious. Instead, I pulled the phone from my back pocket and dashed off a quick text to Lex.
“Put the phone away, please, Mr. Tate,” the secretary said. “You shouldn’t even have that.”
I made a face but slipped the phone into my bag.
I waited there for at least ten minutes before Dr. Singh emerged from her office, still chatting with another student. She sent the girl on her way and waved me over.
“Come on back, Danny,” she said.
I followed her back to her office, where she sat down behind the desk and gestured for me to sit in one of the chairs across from her. I did, and she studied me silently, waiting for me to speak first.
She’d be waiting a long time.
“So, it seems you left school early yesterday,” she finally said. “I just wanted to check in with you and see how you’re doing.”
“I’m fine,” I said.
“I’m told there was some kind of incident at lunch. Would you mind explaining what happened?” she asked.
“It was nothing,” I said. “Someone asked me about the day I was taken, and a couple of kids started listening. My brother didn’t like it.”
“That doesn’t sound like nothing,” she said. “What did you tell those other students?”
“Does my mother know you’re talking to me?” I asked. “She told me I wouldn’t have to be questioned.”
“I’m sorry if you feel like I’m interrogating you, Danny.” Singh leaned back in her chair. Her sharp eyes belied her relaxed posture. The look she gave me cut straight through to my bones. “I’m just trying to make sure you’re readjusting to school life. That’s my job.”
“I’ve got to get back to class,” I said.
“I’ve already spoken to Mrs. Whelan,” she said. “You’ve been excused from the whole period for the day.”