‘He did, a good one. He was a solicitor, a partner, never quite made senior partner.’ This was my fault, in your sick eyes, wasn’t it? ‘But that’s another convoluted story. For now, all I’ll say is his days were numbered. His reputation shredded, the other reason why I think he disappeared into hiding.’ This slice of the story is irrelevant to what Bea and Ruan need to know. Not even Jack knows; I don’t think he does anyway, although he did ask an odd question the other day. Something about corporate fraud cases, whether the crimes carried prison sentences. Apparently, it was a debate they were having at school. The problem is, I’ve become so suspicious of seemingly ordinary questions, normal conversations, I’m continually searching for hidden agendas.
‘So, are you saying, he may have tried to kill you both because he lost his job?’ I can tell Bea is struggling with the concept of you.
‘It’s considerably more complicated, unfortunately. Remember what I said about the psychopath: failure and responsibility are simply not possible. Around the same time things began to fall apart in his professional life, our marriage, if you can call it that, collapsed too.’ I’d planned to see you settled in your senior-partnership role, to leave by the back door, escape to Spain to live with my parents. You should have been happy with your lot… you could have blamed the whole marital split on me. People would even have felt sorry for you. But you had to ruin things, didn’t you? Greed. Power. You didn’t need to do it. ‘He knew his practising days; his intended recognitions and promotions were in jeopardy. Not long before this time, we’d trawled the courts, battling over Jack. Him wanting ownership, me wanting to protect him. I knew who he was, what he was capable of… but the courts only ever saw a professional man. They didn’t understand his status was about to be called into disrepute. Eventually, the decree absolute was granted and…’
‘And he’d lost everything. Was devastated about losing you and Jack.’ Bea nods.
‘No, Bea. No. He hated me for saying no to him. He blamed me for his professional demise too. He’d failed on both counts; he needed to hurt someone, me.’ I can’t afford to reveal any more. It’s like trying to write a synopsis for the bible.
‘God, he’s one messed-up guy,’ she tells me, though putting it far more politely than I would. Ruan leans forward, then again collapses back into the cushion, clearly uncomfortable.
‘The thing is, from my perspective, that night was merely the final episode. The tip of the iceberg from the many years before. It’s one of the reasons I don’t talk about it, because, as you just were, Bea, people are horrified, yet I have to believe it was… simply a shit period of my life. Something I don’t think people can appreciate is, to us it had to become normal living, to act as a protective anti-trauma ruse. It’s the only reason we remained sane.’ I notice the rising of Ruan’s eyebrows as he half smiles at me. ‘Well, kind of sane, anyway,’ I add.
‘But you told me things hadn’t worked out, and in the end he’d gone to live abroad, that was the end of that. He didn’t want anything to do with Jack. Never sent any cards or tried to call, anything. End of?’
‘Yes, I know I did. Please believe, I’m truly sorry I lied to you. I see now, it was a mistake, but at the time I believed I was doing the right thing.’
Bea nods solemnly at me. I do feel bad but how do you ever bring this kind of background into new and normal conversations? What was I supposed to say?
‘I’m sorry to you too, Ruan.’ I squeeze his leg, now sprawled all over my side of the sofa.
‘It’s okay,’ soothes Ruan. ‘It’s really not the kinda thing you want to drop into conversation. I get why you had to almost pretend it didn’t happen. But, Jesus, poor Jack. Bloody hell.’
Bea’s eyes fill with tears. ‘Poor little thing, how come he’s so lovely?’
‘I know. It literally eats away at me. Every day.’ It still hurts, more than I can ever express. ‘I think I’ll carry the pain and guilt with me for the rest of my life. In the end I couldn’t completely protect him. As a mum, it’s a daily torture.’
‘I bet.’ Bea nods. ‘So, if you don’t know what happened after the car incident, he could be anywhere now. I mean, he could be here in Cornwall.’
I nod. As the years have gone on, it’s all become muddied. I struggle to distinguish between what I remember, what I’ve been informed of and what I’ve since dreamt or had nightmares about. I’m about as reliable as an eyewitness to a crime scene sometime after the event. The mind fills in blanks and confuses, becomes highly suggestible. I’ve never said anything but I’m also as sure as I can be we were not alone that night, on the road. Someone was following us. Two shards of light, spearing the dashboard from behind. But after the blackout, can I even be certain of that?
‘How badly hurt were you?’ Ruan asks. ‘After the…’ he waves his finger ‘… you know.’
‘I woke in the ambulance, my head pounding. I’d several facial cuts and—’ I lift a section of my hair up, about an inch below my middle parting ‘—a nice little gash. A few broken ribs from the side airbag. The front airbag didn’t release; it had been disabled. His released though. Concussion, and a serious case of whiplash. We were both lucky apparently. The terrain broke the speed, before impact.’ You knew what you were doing, didn’t you?
A high-pitched whistling and a swoosh of the shrubbery against the front window makes us jump. It’s so dark outside, and blustery as the coastal wind approaches a crescendo. I can’t see beyond the shadows and the promise of a new moon.
‘The wind’s picking up again – think we might be in for another stormy night,’ Ruan comments in an exaggerated Cornish accent. Bea glowers at him. ‘Sorry, Evie, go on.’
‘I remember coming to. It was like a reverse plughole effect, images circling me so rapidly as my head spun. I panicked because I didn’t know where Jack was, then apparently became hysterical, screaming out his name. Then it was black again. When I came back to, they told me Jack was fine, remarkably unhurt but in shock. He also had minor impact injuries from the side airbag. He was in the ambulance behind as they needed to take him in for observation.’
‘But he’d gone,’ clarifies Bea.
‘Yep. He’d gone by the time the ambulances arrived.’
‘Who called for the ambulance, then?’ Ruan presses.
‘I don’t know. The police said it was a woman, said she’d discovered us but she’d left before the emergency services arrived. We’re not sure who it was. They couldn’t trace the mobile number either. It was a pay as you go; it didn’t lead to anyone.’ Both Ruan and Bea nod. ‘He conveniently seemed to disappear off the face of the earth. I didn’t hear anything, until I received an odd phone call a few years later, a man’s voice, advising me he was living abroad somewhere. Somewhere being Spain, then he hung up. I don’t know who that guy was either.’
‘Bizarre. But why? Why would he do that? Why move to Spain?’ Bea asks.
‘Oh, Bea, it’s so convoluted. For the moment, please can we leave it at my ex-husband, Jack’s father, was a manipulative, cruel machine? Made our lives hell, then things started to go wrong for him. He slipped, while I grew stronger; he knew it too. He lost control, before I was ready.’
‘Ready for what?’ interrupts Ruan.
‘My plan. Years of planning our escape. Jack and me needed closure, not this. Always trying to forget, always hiding from our imaginations, from thinking the worst, watching the shadows, listening for noises. Sleeping with my car keys and mobile phone. Always wondering when, always waiting. I didn’t get the chance to put my plan into place. We’ve not been allowed to break entirely free. He was supposed to be content with the life he made, a successful partner, to become senior partner; Jack and I would have stood a chance to escape. It wasn’t supposed to end this way.’ It hasn’t ended, has it?
I’m drained and exhausted and it’s only just beginning.
‘But it still seems so bloody unreal, to want to kill you both?’ Bea continues.