I furrowed my brow, confused. “Huh?”
“The pills. That’s what they do. They’re supposed to help me deal with my . . . issues.”
Oh. Realisation dawned and I felt terrible. This was Trev’s ADHD medication, little blue and yellow pills to help him stay balanced. I studied him, noting the agitated edge to his posture.
“Oh well, again, I’m sorry. I meant it when I said I wasn’t snooping.” Pinpricks stabbed at my chest; the excuse sounded so lame.
Trev ran a hand through his air, looking self-conscious, which was a rare sight for him. “Yeah. I’ve stopped taking them, so it doesn’t matter anyway.”
“You’ve stopped? Why?” I asked with concern.
“They fuck my head up. Give me migraines, and I can’t fucking sleep when I take them either.”
“Ah,” I said, a knot of worry coiling in my stomach. I remembered how tired he looked when he showed up at my gig yesterday. “That’s not good.”
“No, it isn’t. Not to mention the fact that last night wouldn’t have happened if I was still on them.”
I frowned, not completely understanding.
He stared at the floor before his eyes lifted to mine, everything about his demeanour uncomfortable. “One of the side effects is not being able to get it up. They can piss off if they think I’m gonna spend the rest of my life like that. If this is what everyone else feels like they can fucking have it.”
I stepped closer and took his hand in mine. When Trev told me he was going to start taking medication, I naively imagined it would be an immediate fix, a miracle cure for all his problems. I didn’t think of the side effects, or how pills affected everyone differently. I didn’t realize he might be suffering even worse just to make the rest of the world feel better. Just to act in a way that didn’t put people on edge, while inwardly he was dying.
“That isn’t how everyone else feels, Trev, and if this is how the pills affect you, you shouldn’t be taking them. Talk to your doctor about your options, maybe he could have you switch to a different treatment.”
His blue eyes came to mine, and I suddenly saw the tremendous stress he was under. So many expectations now that he was going to be the star of his own reality show. The world was going to pick him apart, put a microscope over every crack to see what weak spots they could find. And though on the surface Trev had the polished, pretty-boy looks of a movie star, there were fractures underneath, so many of them just waiting to make him bow under the pressure.
He pulled me into his arms, his hug so tight it almost knocked the wind out of me.
“Don’t let me fuck everything up, Reyrey,” he whispered.
“I won’t,” I murmured, struck by the fervency of his request. Maybe he considered himself his own worst enemy, his mind his biggest challenge to overcome. Squeezing him back, I hoped he heard the seriousness in my words.
“I promise.”
Eleven.
“Let’s just leave them to work it out between themselves,” said Trev to Neil as he led him back out into the living room.
“He’s locked her in with him. He can’t do that,” Neil argued, agitation in his posture.
“I know, but they’re talking now. Maybe they’ll come to an understanding if we just give them some privacy.”
I wasn’t so sure about that, especially considering Leanne and Callum already had a heart-to-heart earlier and it hadn’t achieved much. Although saying that, I hadn’t been privy to the entire exchange. Anything could’ve been said after I stopped listening, and anything could’ve happened while they were out tonight.
James wished me goodnight while Paul gathered the Belgian girls and led them to the door, explaining that the ‘party’ was over. Not that it had been much of a party. They didn’t seem too happy about being dismissed, but they didn’t make a fuss either. Neil went to his own room and I glanced at Trev.
“Looks like I’m bedding down on the couch tonight.”
He frowned. “Why?”
I gestured toward the bedrooms. “My room is occupied.”
He scratched at the day-old stubble on his chin. “Ah, right.” He went quiet, thinking on it a minute, then said, “You can take my bed.”
I wasn’t surprised by the offer, but I shrugged it off nonetheless, even though I was exhausted. Now that I had a belly full of pizza I was so ready to go back to sleep.
“Don’t worry about it. The couch will be fine. Plus, I already got a few hours while you lot were out. You need to sleep more than I do.”
Trev strode across the room and took my hand, pulling me up from the couch. “Take my bed, Reya. I haven’t even slept in it yet so you don’t have to worry about my man-germs,” he teased. “Plus, I’ll just kip in Callum’s until he decides to come back.”
I didn’t protest, mainly because he was right. He hadn’t slept in the bed. Technically, it wasn’t even his yet. Because yes, although I wasn’t concerned about ‘man-germs’, I was concerned about his scent on the sheets. That wasn’t something I felt equipped to handle.
When we entered the bedroom, Trev pulled back the duvet and gestured for me to get in. I rolled my eyes at his mothering and climbed under, not bothered to take my clothes off. They were lounge clothes that could basically double as PJs anyway.
Trev got into Callum’s bed and flicked off the lamp, plunging the room into darkness. I didn’t immediately relax, too aware of my breathing and the fact that Trev was literally only a few feet away. My memories from that night we spent together were still in my head, twisting me up inside. It was funny how clearly you could see things you were blind to in the past when you took the time to look back.
Back then I thought I was being loyal. I thought I was being there for him and he was taking me for granted. But maybe he had more going on than I could have possibly imagined. Maybe he was suffering in a way no one else could see.
“Trev,” I whispered in the darkened room.
“Yeah?” he answered, his voice sleepy.
“Can I ask a personal question?”
“Go for it,” he went on, a little more alert.
It took me a few moments to get the words out. “Are you taking medication now?”
He hesitated for a second, then said, “Yes.”
“Is it the same stuff as before?”
His response was subdued. “No, it’s not the same.”
“Oh. That’s . . . that’s good.”
Another silence fell.
“Why do you ask?” he questioned, curious.
“I was just thinking of that night you spent in my flat, and the morning after when I found your pills,” I answered and heard him exhale. I knew he was remembering. The tension was so thick in the room you could almost see the events of the entire night splashed across the dark ceiling.
“I wish I knew then what I know now,” he said sadly.
“What do you know now?”
“Lots of stuff.”
“Such as?”