She blew out a watery breath, her eyes rimmed with red. “I said I don’t expect you to understand what it’s like to be around someone you have feelings for when they have complete and total disregard for you, for everything.”
My heart did a quick thump. Little did she know, I knew exactly what that felt like. “I thought you both gave as good as you got. That day at the gym it seemed like you enjoyed taunting him.”
She exhaled shakily. “Yeah well. Sometimes I’m my own worst enemy. He’s just always had this way of provoking me, so I act like a dick. He acts like one back, and the cycle continues.”
She held my gaze for a second then returned her attention to washing her hands. A moment of silence fell before I spoke, “You’re wrong, you know. I’ve, well, I’ve actually been in a similar position to yours.”
Her blue eyes flared. “You have?”
I nodded and glanced over my shoulder to make sure nobody was eavesdropping. “Trev and I used to . . . have a thing. We were friends for a long time, it briefly became more, but then it fizzled out.”
“Was it his fault?” she asked, drying her hands with some tissue.
“I’m still not too sure. Sometimes I blame myself for getting ideas about someone I knew deep down could never commit. You know about his condition, right?”
She nodded. “Yeah. He has therapy every week. There’s a clause in our contract preventing the film crew from including footage of us discussing anything to do with his treatment.”
Well, that was interesting. And a good sign. Although I worried about him taking three weeks off to film. Perhaps he’d arranged to meet a therapist while we travelled. I focused my attention back on Leanne. “He seems to have matured a lot, and the therapy must be working because he could be just as careless as Callum back then. So yeah, I know how you feel. If you ever want to talk, well, we’re going to be sharing a room for the next three weeks, so I’m sure we’ll have ample time.”
That got a small smile out of her and she nodded, surprising me when she said, “I’d like that.”
When we boarded the train, I was startled to see several members of the film crew already recording. I thought they weren’t starting until Wednesday, but they must’ve wanted to catch footage of the journey. It didn’t look like anyone had been hooked up to microphones, so I presumed they were going to use it for a montage or something like that. Those watchful glass lenses made me self-conscious in my ripped jeans and grey jumper, but I quickly brushed it off. I was going to have to get used to cameras over the coming days.
Trev seemed able to read my thoughts when he said, “Don’t worry. I bet the camera loves you.”
His reassurance took me off guard, especially that last bit. I frowned and went to grab my suitcase. We were in the first-class section, so the seats were a little fancier than typical. There were also food menus for later. I lifted my bag to put it on the storage shelf above my seat when Trev approached from behind and took it from me.
“Let me,” he murmured, his warm body at my back.
I shoved aside how his closeness made me feel and slid onto my seat, glad it was by the window. A second later my nerves kicked in when Trev took the one right next to me.
“Leanne looks like she’s been crying,” he said in a quiet voice. “Is she okay?”
I glanced at him then around the carriage. Leanne was sitting two rows up, her earphones in.
“She was little upset but I think she’ll be fine. You should talk to Callum about maybe employing a little more tact around her.”
He appeared interested by this. “What makes you think I have any say in what Callum does?”
I only arched a brow in response. He knew as well as I did he had power there.
“Fine. I’ll talk to him,” he said on an exhale, and I was surprised he was taking my advice. I was a mere employee in this situation. It wasn’t like he was under any obligation to appease me.
“I’m wrecked,” he continued. “Didn’t get much sleep last night. You mind if I take a nap?”
I shook my head. “No. Go for it.”
He sank back into his seat, folded his arms and closed his eyes. “If you need to use the john just climb over me. I promise I won’t mind,” he said, eyes still closed as his mouth formed a smirk.
“I’m sure you wouldn’t,” I said and shook my head. “But if I need to use the bathroom I’ll be waking you up.”
He cracked open one eye and chuckled. “Spoilsport.”
I would’ve questioned his flirty tone, but this was who he’d always been. Even when our relationship was platonic he’d been flirtatious. It was ingrained in his personality. I wasn’t sure there existed a woman between eighteen and eighty he couldn’t find some way to charm.
The train started to move and a fizzle of excitement ran through me. This was it. We were on our way. I hadn’t travelled much in my life, just back and forth to Spain a few times when I was a kid to visit family. My parents emigrated from Madrid when they were in their late teens to make a life for themselves in London. I was looking forward to visiting Barcelona because I’d never been there, but Madrid not so much. There were too many memories there, and memories made me hear my mother’s voice in my head.
?Por qué nunca dices la verdad? Estás tratando de arruinarnos con tus mentiras.
Why do you never tell the truth? You are trying to ruin us with your lies.
My thoughts had me feeling unsteady. Trev’s breathing deepened and I suspected he’d nodded off. I pulled my notebook from my small handbag and began to write.
Close your eyes and pick a word.
Describe the person you see in your head.
Not the one in theirs.
Take your time.
Take your time.
Tómate tu tiempo
Don’t be scared. Don’t overthink.
Strong, good.
Proud, better.
Flawed, yes.
Truthful, always.
We are all a work in the making.
Even when we end we are unfinished we’re never really finished.
I was scribbling for a couple more minutes when Trev’s voice startled me. “Can I see?”
I froze, goosebumps claiming my skin, then turned to him. “You know I don’t like that.”
“But I’m gonna hear you sing them eventually. Why can’t I read the lyrics?”
I worried my lip, thinking on it as I shut my notebook. “Because words without music are far too revealing. The music massages their starkness. Most people are too busy listening to the melody to realise you’re baring your soul.”
Trev stared at me for a long, long moment. “So, if I read your lyrics it’s like discovering a secret, but if I watch you play I’m too dazzled by the music to hear the truth?”
I shrugged and looked away, feeling self-conscious now. “Something like that.”
“It’s not just the music that dazzles people, you know. It’s you.”