“Did he love you?”
“He said he did, but I dunno. It never really felt right with him.” I sighed and opened my gate. I needed to end this conversation. “Back to the drawing board I guess. It was good seeing you today. I hope everything goes well with the filming.”
“Saying goodbye already?”
Turning back, I recognised that old glint in his eye. Sometimes I wondered if he even realised he was using it. It was the one that always got him whatever he wanted, but it wouldn’t work on me. Not today. Not anymore.
“I’m afraid so. I have a lesson in an hour and there’s a stack of laundry I need to deal with before I go.”
Trev stared me down as though trying to figure out if I was lying. I wasn’t, but even if I had a free day ahead of me I wouldn’t have invited him in. My flat was tiny and being in such a tight space would only heighten the unwelcome feelings I was having. He studied me for so long I thought he might’ve been magically frozen in place.
He swallowed and glanced away for a second. Several thoughts passed over his face before he spoke. “Okay, can we arrange to meet up tomorrow then?”
I arched an eyebrow. “Why?”
His expression was very open. “Because I’d like to see you again.”
I studied him, trying to figure out what his game was. If there was a game at all. Maybe he really did just want to see me. He had always enjoyed my company, after all, and vice versa. Still, I swallowed and met his gaze as I replied steadily, “I’m busy tomorrow, too.”
There was brief flash of unhappiness in his eyes at my answer. A conflict warred just beneath the surface, and I got the sense he was going to argue with me. But then, as though he’d mentally tamped down the urge, he said, “All right, well, maybe I’ll catch you around.”
I nodded and turned to walk inside. His words stopped me.
“You look beautiful, by the way.”
I didn’t move.
“I’ve been wanting to say that since I saw you at the restaurant.”
I still didn’t move or turn to face him and he let out a long sigh. “I guess I deserve this.”
I couldn’t take any more so I simply slotted my key in the door. It wasn’t until I was safe inside my flat that I let myself cry. My skin felt cold and hot all at once, and my pores beaded with goose pimples. I ached. I realised with stark clarity how much I still felt for him. This was bad. It was worse than bad. It was dangerous. Because if he pushed even a tiny bit more, my defences would crack. He’d manoeuvre his way back into my life, and I’d repeat the cycle of falling for him and being devastated all over again.
I started on my dirty laundry but let a bunch of clothes fall to the floor as lyrics flooded my head. I fumbled for a pen and paper and began scribbling them down before I forgot.
You come back
My back is up
You try to open the door
I slam it shut
You look at me like you used to
But it’s not really the same
You’re different, changed
And despite all my strength
I want to know why
I want to open the door
I put the pen down and bit my lip. The words that spilled out worried me, because often my subconscious knew more than my conscious mind. I was like a dog who got kicked over and over again, but my heart was too fickle to remember how bad it hurt, so I came running back every time, tongue out, tail wagging.
Two days went by and to my relief I didn’t see Trev again. Tuesday I was getting ready for my girls’ night over at Karla’s. I worried that he might be there, but reminded myself he lived in a swanky penthouse by the Thames nowadays. It was unlikely he’d be at Casa Cross.
I put on some comfy grey leggings, a purple camisole, and a long, knit cardigan. I also wore my UGGS, well, my imitation UGGS, because those shoes were expensive. Still, even though they were fakes they were still the most comfortable shoes I owned. If somebody makes it so I can get away with wearing slippers outdoors, I’m all for that shit.
I took the tube to Hackney and arrived at Karla’s at seven thirty, a plastic shopping bag on my arm with wine and chocolate, because of course. Alexis and Karla answered the door looking like they’d already had a few.
“Reya, c’mere. Have I ever told you how much I love you?” Alexis crooned as she pulled me into a hug.
I chuckled and drew away. “No, but feel free.”
“Well, I do. I love all of you,” she went on tipsily, with a dramatic hand gesture.
Karla laughed. She wasn’t nearly as merry as Alexis, not yet.
“This is her first night out of the house in two months,” she explained.
“Yes, and I’m making the most of it,” Alexis added. She had a young son who took up the majority of her time, so I didn’t blame her for wanting to let loose. Her partner, King, must’ve been taking care of little Oliver tonight.
They led me inside the living room where Trev’s cousin, Sophie, and Andie, his brother Stu’s partner, sat with glasses of wine in hand. Everybody was well ahead of me.
“Hi, ladies,” I greeted as I handed my bag off to Karla. “More supplies.”
She nodded happily and I took a seat beside Andie on the couch. Somebody had put on a DVD of Vikings—for obvious reasons. I was a big fan of the show because I liked my mythology with a side of hairy, muscled plunderers.
“I’m sorry about the other day,” said Karla, sitting on the armchair by the window. “I haven’t had the chance to apologise yet, but I promise I never planned for Trev to horn in on our lunch. He just showed up and as soon as Lee mentioned we were going to meet you, he wouldn’t take no for an answer.
I brushed her off. “It’s fine. I know what he’s like. Don’t worry about it.”
“You haven’t seen him in a long while, right?” said Andie, her kind brown eyes landing on me.
“Nope. Not for almost two years. It was . . . weird,” I admitted. It nearly shattered me.
“I’ll bet,” said Alexis. “Little bastard should’ve known better than to ambush you like that.”
“Hey!” Karla protested. “That’s my kid brother-in-law you’re talking about.”
“Yes, and you know as well as I do how poorly he treated Reya. She was his best friend for years. Then as soon as he gets a bit of fame he dropped her like a hot potato.”
That familiar burn in my chest assaulted me. I knew Alexis was tipsy and simply speaking her mind, but it still hurt to be reminded.
“He didn’t drop her. They both decided to end things,” Karla corrected her.
“Is that true?” Andie asked, her voice soft. Obviously, she was the one with the most tact.
I rubbed my chest as I spoke. “Yes. Well, kind of. I hardly ever got to see him and it just wasn’t working out, so I suggested we call it a day.”
“You suggested it?” Alexis exclaimed. “I didn’t know that.”
“That’s because it’s none of your business,” said Karla.