I know the way to touch her, just what kind of kiss will make her lose her mind.
Is it so wrong I want whatever part of her I can get? If her heart is never going to be mine, I’ll settle for her body, for any damn thing she’s willing to give. I’ll be a fucking dog at the table, begging for scraps, just as long as she graces me with something. A smile. A touch.
Her body, coming hard around my cock every time.
There’s a noise behind me. I turn and find Eva framed in the doorway, wrapped up in a short, silky robe. My cock leaps to attention again, just seeing the way it pours off her body. “Hey.” She gives me a sleepy smile, her hair messy, but her eyes shining bright. “What are you doing out here?”
“Just thinking.”
I beckon, and she comes to me, sliding into my lap and wrapping her arms around me like she was made to fit there, just right. I take a ragged breath, wishing I could stay like this forever. That the future – and the past – could all just melt away.
But it’s too late for that. I can tell Eva’s got something on her mind. She takes my hand between hers, toying with it, twisting her fingers in mine. I hear a reluctant sigh.
“Tell me,” I say, kissing her head, knowing the end is right there in front of us. “Just get it out, whatever you need.”
Eva pulls back, far enough to twist around and look me in the eye. Her gaze is shadowed, almost fearful, when she finally asks the question I’ve been asking myself for five long years now.
“Why did you leave me?” Her words slice through me, so deep I swear they draw blood. Eva looks away, like it’s hurting her even to ask. “Why did you just go? If you didn’t want me, you could have just said. Left me a note, or called. Anything to tell me what was going on. But instead, you just disappeared. You left me here, and you never even said goodbye.”
Her voice twists, and I can see it in her face. Fuck, I can see the wound still open, raw and painful.
I did this. I hurt the one person in the world I swore I would always protect.
I broke her heart, and I might never be able to make it right again.
I can’t stand it. I get up, pacing to the edge of the balcony just to get some room for this, the pale excuses I must have rehearsed a million times. But those words, the platitudes, they don’t mean jack shit, not with Eva waiting. Waiting for the reasons I don’t have to give.
“I’m sorry.”
It won’t change anything, but I mean it with every fiber of my being. I grip the railing, and say it again, still avoiding that beautiful face and all the tragic disappointment waiting there. “I’m sorry, I truly am. I wish I had something to tell you that would make it okay, but I don’t. I don’t have anything. I was young, and fucked up, and I thought I knew best for us. I thought leaving was the only chance I could give you.”
I stare out into the dark. Fuck, here I am, supposedly older and wiser, and I’m still too chicken shit to face her.
Be a man. Be a goddamn better man than you were five years ago.
I steel myself, and turn to face the truth. Eva is looking at me with hope in her eyes, like she’s still holding out for an answer that will make sense of it all. But there is none.
“I did it for us,” I say finally, hollow with regret. “For you. I thought… I thought I was giving you a chance to live your dreams. Taking myself out of the equation before I just dragged you down.”
Eva stares at me. Whatever she was expecting me to say, it’s not this. She shakes her head, trying to process it. “I don’t understand.”
“I know you don’t.” I look away, hating the guilt clawing tight in my chest. “You didn’t know what it was like for me, back then. And that’s my fault, too,” I add bitterly. “I hid it from you. I hid a lot of shit. About my dad, how bad it got there in the end.” I pause, the past rushing up on me again. “But you have to believe me, I thought I was doing the right thing. I was just a fuck up with no future, heading straight to the gutters – or jail.” I look at her, plaintively. “How could I have ever given you the life you deserved?”
“That’s not true!” Eva cries, angry.
I bow my head. “And maybe I know that now.” I sigh. “But back then, I was just a stupid kid. I was so goddamn scared of turning out like my dad, a loser drunk that couldn’t hold a job. Who did nothing but cause misery, until he ruined everyone who loved him.”
She closes the distance between us. “Finn, you’re nothing like your father.” Eva insists. “Nothing!”
“That’s not what he’d tell me,” I answer softly, remembering the insults and petty taunts. “All those nights he got so blind drunk he could barely stand. He said I was useless, that it was in my blood, and there was no escape. I was damaged like him, and I’d only bring you down.”