She nodded, as if it was the answer she’d been seeking. She smiled, and it broke my heart to see that smile. She had the face of an angel, and I was going to ruin her.
I wanted to know what had happened to her. The details. What had Wolf and Los Lobos done to her that she’d finally made a run for it? I’d kill them, all twelve of them, or die trying. She didn’t know it yet, but I’d already made up my mind.
And then she said it, those four words that I’d been waiting my entire life to hear. I didn’t even know it till I heard them.
“Will you help me?”
I’ll tell you right now, there are moments in my life I always knew would come. Even as a boy, I knew my destiny would lead to this, a fork in the road, where the decision I made would decide the man I was to be. Everything else in my life would fade in comparison to the importance of this question.
I knew if I said yes, it would mean the end of me. Instinctively, I checked the gun at my hip. Los Lobos, The Wolves. Every one of them would hunt me down until I was dead.
It would only end in one way.
And I didn’t care. I’d give her what she needed. I had to. But she’d give me what I needed too. A life for a life.
“I’ll warn you right now,” I said, “any help from me won’t come for free. Bad things will happen if I get involved. You’ll regret it. I swear to you.”
“Will you hurt me?” she said.
I wanted to tell her something different. I wanted to tell her I was the man she deserved, someone who would save her and ask nothing in return. I wanted to say I’d take her away to a life of happiness and safety. I wanted to tell her she’d have everything she deserved. But I couldn’t. I’m a lot of things, but I’m no liar.
“I’ll destroy you,” I said. “I’ll take the one thing you’ve got to give, and I’ll drink it up like a desert drinks the rain. I’ll ravage you till you beg me to stop. And then, just when you think you can’t take anymore, I’ll ravage you again.”
I’d given her fair warning. If she still wanted my help, it was on her now. I’d told her I’d take everything she had. But I hadn’t told her the one thing I wanted most. I hadn’t told her she’d give me a son.
She looked at me. She looked around the bar. She turned and looked back at the door, weighing the alternative. Then she answered.
“I don’t have a choice,” she said. “You can take what you want. You can use me to the last drop. Just help me.”
“All right,” I said. “But when the dust settles, remember it was you who came to me.”
“I’ll remember.”
“And I warned you.”
“I won’t forget it.”
“You asked if I’m a good man. The truth is, I’m not a good man. I’m bad. Bad to the bone.”
Chapter 4
Faith
WHAT I’M ABOUT TO TELL YOU, it isn’t pretty.
Can I adequately explain it? No.
Can I put it in a way that will make me come across as anything other than a complete whore? I doubt it.
But the truth is more important than perceptions, and the truth is what happened to me, the decisions in my life that led to that fateful night, and the consequences I’ll have to live with till the day I die.
So, the truth.
The truth is, I’d been standing in that motel parking lot for over an hour when Jackson pulled in. I had no idea where I was. All I knew was that I was still in Nevada, and that wasn’t far enough.
It was raining and I was soaked to the skin. I was shivering. I had nowhere to go, no one to turn to. I took shelter under a big sequoia and watched the men who came and went from the bar.
I’d know him when I saw him—that’s what I told myself. I just had to wait. God would help me. He had to.
And all I had to do was throw away everything I’d ever hoped for, sacrifice myself on the altar of fate, and pray I didn’t get into something even worse than the life I was trying to escape.
It sounds crazy, and maybe it was, but until you’re in that situation, you can’t understand the fear that led me to that parking lot.
Wolf Staten was a powerful man. A ruthless man. He made the rules, and my job was to obey. Earlier that night, he’d told me he was going to lock me up in a secret apartment of his villa. No one but him would ever be able to look at me again. He said it was because he loved me so much, because I was so precious to him.