“Take care of?”
“Well,” Rob said, “my business is doing well. I’m becoming a more important person in certain social circles in the city. I can’t be a bachelor forever.”
“I see,” Lacey said.
“There comes a point,” Rob continued, “where I realize that being married would probably be more of an advantage to my career than being single.”
“An advantage to your career?”
“You know how it is. My clients are married women. The men who send them to me would probably prefer it if I was tied down. It would make my business seem more stable.”
Lacey said nothing. I was standing at the far end of the loft, where I couldn’t be seen. For some reason, beads of sweat were dripping from my forehead. I felt as if I was witnessing a crime. Not only was Rob proposing to the woman I loved with all my heart, the woman I was about to give a letter to confessing my love, but he was also doing it in the least romantic way possible. I mean, I’m no expert, I’d let Lacey down and I knew it, but Rob wasn’t even telling her he loved her. He wasn’t giving her anything near to the proposal she deserved. He was making it sound like a business proposition, like it was something that would be useful for his public image. I felt like punching him out, just for messing up his proposal.
It made me realize just how badly I’d screwed up by not committing to Lacey when I had the chance. I was mad at Rob for letting her down, but when I thought about it, I’d let her down just as badly. She’d been ready to start a relationship with me. I knew it. But I’d been too concerned about my own shit to do what I should have done.
“Rob,” Lacey said, “are you saying that you want to marry me?”
Rob cleared his throat. “Well, I mean, I’m just saying, it would be a good career move for me right now.”
Lacey’s voice sounded uncertain. “So, this is a proposal?”
“If that’s what you want to call it,” Rob said.
There was something strange in Lacey’s voice. I don’t know if she was happy or sad, but there was definitely a lot of emotion in her voice, and she was struggling to contain it. I could always tell when she was emotional, I just couldn’t always tell what it meant.
“Then, I guess I accept, Rob.”
“Really?”
“You know it’s my dream to settle down with a good man, a man who loves me. I want to create a real, meaningful life. A life full of love and laughter, and hopefully, a life full of happy little children too.”
“Well, let’s not get carried away just yet. I don’t want to make a big deal over it.”
“But it is a big deal.”
“Not for me, it isn’t,” Rob said. “It’s just my next move.”
Lacey’s voice caught in her throat. “It’s a big deal for me, Rob.”
“Come on,” Rob said. “Let’s go back into the house. I’m not in the mood for a big emotional display.”
They left the barn. I didn’t know what to think. I reached behind my back and took the letter I’d written from my pocket. Just one more letter I’d written for Lacey that would never be delivered. I moved mechanically, pulling the envelope down from the beam and slipping the new letter into it. Then I put it back up on the beam, grabbed the whiskey, and drained the bottle.
Chapter 26
Lacey
SOMETIMES, THINGS DON’T TURN OUT the way you always planned. That’s life. That’s part of what being an adult is all about. You have these silly dreams when you’re a little girl, you believe in unicorns and princes and dreams coming true. Then, when you grow older, you realize that the world isn’t really like that. You don’t get everything you always dreamt of. You don’t get fantasies and fairy tales. You get reality. And while reality doesn’t always measure up to the ideas you have in your imagination, it does have one advantage. It’s practical. And that’s something you can depend on.
I didn’t want to spend my life alone. I didn’t want to waste it, waiting for someone else to take the steps that they clearly didn’t want to take. That would be a mistake. I had strong feelings for Grant, I knew that, but Grant was my family. It was normal to have strong feelings for someone you’d practically grown up with. It didn’t mean I had to spend my whole life hoping he’d propose to me. Grant had made it very clear that he didn’t believe in marriage. He especially made it clear that he didn’t believe in marrying me. Maybe one day he’d find some lucky woman who’d make him feel differently, but I didn’t want to be still hanging around, waiting for him, when that day came.